More of a wwyd in friend situation

[Bumblebum14]

Like a lot of people my mental health has taken a battering during lockdown. I have suffered from GAD and acrophobia in the past and both have come back with a vengeance recently.

I am part of a group chat of 8 girls, 2 of whom I thought I was pretty close with. With lockdown easing they arranged a night out about a month ago. I really wanted to see them but mentally I just couldn't face it. I haven't been out socially in months and the thought of being in a big group, having a panic attack or just causing a scene in the pub really frightened me. So I made my excuses (as I was embarrassed to tell the whole group about my mental health stuff) but told the two girls I'm closest to my real reason in private.

After a month the group chat has gradually died off to nothing. And my two closer friends have barely spoken to me either. One of them did tell me that nobody understood why I didn't go and felt like I made excuses which means I don't care about the friendship. So it sounds like there was obviously bitching happening on the night.

I feel so sad and let down. And angry that my mental health issues may have cost me my friendships. I'm particularly upset with the two "close" friends one of which hasn't spoken to me at all and seems more annoyed that I didn't go out than concerned about my mental health issues. Part of me wants to write a message to the group explaining myself but the other half thinks fuck them. Wwyd?

Bump

First I'm so sorry that you've suffered this way in lockdown, hopefully as things start to open up then your mental health will improve too. As far as this group of yours is concerned, don't feel that you have to explain yourself to them all, maybe the way you did it to the closest 2 was fine. Can you contact one of them for a meet instead of all at once? Would that be easier for you?

@chargeorge thank you. Am feeling particularly low and this hasn't helped. It would probably be easier to see just one of them yes but I still feel very hurt and let down by them both. They knew the true reason I couldn't be there and could have simply told the rest that there was a genuine reason but sounds like they all chose to have a good bitch instead. And not getting in touch afterwards makes me feel like they have made a collective decision to not bother with me again

Sorry OP, they don't sound like very good friends. You opened up to them and they brushed it off as you making excuses

Gosh we’re very similar @Bumblebum14 and I have been very mentally unwell lately. But you know what? My group chat friends have been nothing but supportive.

And because they’re supportive this has made me feel comfortable going out twice with them..

My MH improved as a result (but is still in a dire place).

Mental health doesn’t discriminate. No doubt one of them will go through it in the future.

I KNOW it’s hell. Absolute hell. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Put yourself first but be honest with people about how you feel because more people will understand than you realise.

More people have gone through their own mental health crisis than you realise - promise. Talking really helps!

Thank you. I wish I could talk more freely about it but this reaction has made me feel even more reluctant to discuss in RL. A lot of people understand but it seems a lot of people are also totally oblivious. I'm quite a private person and I didn't want to make a big deal of it but I guess now it looks like I wasn't making enough effort.

You know that you never know what is going on in other people’s lives, they may be in tough spaces themselves

If I were you I’d try and catch back up with everyone- pretty much as if nothing has happened, after all you haven’t done anything wrong, so why react as if you have?

Tell them that things were tough for a while but you’re gradually coming back out of it, etc etc and see if you can suggest something you COULD handle so you can meet up again?

I’ve been guilty of this myself- telling myself that nobody gives a shit, when actually others have a LOT of crap going on that I don’t know about and whatever I was upset about wasn’t actually as difficult as what they had.

Not saying this is the case with you, but these are strange circumstances and I think everyone deserves the right to be a little odd at times, when life is normal, normality will return

Chin up! You are getting through this - and well too! You’re asking others for their take on it rather than just lashing out or assuming they don’t care etc.

It sounds to me like it’s just the one friend who has an issue. I was in lots of group chats during lockdown but to be honest as things have eased people have started to use them less and less - so that’s more likely what’s going on.

How many times have you made your excuses in the past?

I don’t think your close friends could have told the others you had a genuine reason for not going without it being awkward.

Also, are you waiting for your friends to contact you or have you contacted them since the meet-up? They might think you want a bit of space? If you can do you think you could contact them and arrange a meet up? You could message the whole group if you want but I’d keep it light. Nothing wrong to mention that you have found lock down difficult or whatever but I’d be careful not to sound like you are accusing people of being unsupportive.

How do you all communicate usually ?

They dont sound particularly supportive however you do seem to be basing your feelings of the group on one conversation with one friend. You have no idea what's going on with the others.

I would try to initiate contact either with the group chat or individually, after all why should the emphasis to keep in contact just be on them.......

I could have written @humidityhairyhairs post.
I suffer with anxiety. Some times are worse than others but a few years ago it got really bad.
I have a group of friends 2 of whom I woupd be closer to than the 5 others but I told them all. Individually. The relief of it was huge.
You will be very surprised how understanding people are. Sometimes they might even feel the same. I don't go around telling everyone I meet but
I have opened up on occasion. Talking and being open may help you more than you could ever imagine.
Give them a chance. You're feeling let down but is there really any need to??

They knew the true reason I couldn't be there and could have simply told the rest

To be fair I would assume that they kept it private as it wasn’t their news to tell. They obviously knew you hadn’t told the others and it wasn’t their place to tell them. It sounds like, with the nobody understood why I didn't go and felt like I made excuses which means I don't care about the friendship the others are hurt that you made excuses not to go and feel you don’t care so haven’t been in touch whilst you are hurt they haven’t been in touch.

Tell them. Explain that you really do care about the friendship but that you are struggling.

I hid my MH issues and made excuses for years, it lost me friends. I’ve now told 2 people in our friendship group. They revealed they feel exactly the same!

Thank you all. I can see from these replies that I've probably catastrophised a bit. And painted myself as a victim without really considering how it might have looked to others. I will think about the best ways to open up communication again. My mind is just totally shot and exhausted at the minute.

I think your 2 friends didn't say anything & the rest have just thought you aren't bothered. And the chat group just died out anyway.A short 'my anxiety is making me struggle to be social at the moment' without going into detail would elicit nothing but sympathy from most people. I have anxiety & depression so I'm not talking out of my behind here. People are more understanding that you think. Regarding it as a shaneful secret will make your emotional well-being worse IME. It's ok to be vulnerable with people who care for you.