To be at the end of my tether with my mothers boredom

[LovelyBranches]

My mother is 70 and I’m in my mid 30s with two young children but I often feel like I’m still treated like a naughty teenager by my mother. She’s a widow and we lost my father nearly 12 years ago and ever since then I am both her punching bag when things go wrong but also her best friend when things are going well.

She’s very possessive over me and hates me seeing my PIL, thinks that she deserves first right to see my children and generally thinks she deserves a lot of my time. I have a very complex relationship with her, I love her and speak to her regularly but she has narcissistic tendencies and blows up about nothing and I often feel the full force of that which is upsetting and exhausting. She gets bored very quickly and loves nothing more than to tell me the absolute minute detail of her life and how much she has cleaned things. Before lockdown we had lots of disagreements because she would let herself into my house and clean it and then make me feel like I live in a stinking house (I don’t).

During lockdown she has got worse. She is lonely and I completely understand that it isn’t nice to feel lonely but she completely rejects everything I suggest, I suggested her watching Netflix on her computer-no too small. I offered to buy her a new tv so that she could watch it-no I am a tv addict. I bought her sudoku books-wrong,she only likes arrow words.
I phone her and FaceTime her numerous times a day-I should be visiting her. I mentioned that my MIL has been gardening-too much effort and I visit MIL too much. I said I would help her and her friends set up zoom so they could speak to each other-no, she doesn’t like speaking over the computer. I bought her wool for her to crochet with-she hasn’t picked it up.

My DM is a member of a walking group and that has restarted but she doesn’t want to go for coffee with them after the walk because she is scared about covid.

I feel like I have another toddler who constantly tells me how bored they are. She regularly shouts at me to say I am not doing enough, I am a terrible daughter, I don’t visit her enough. She has looked after my children a few times now because dh and I work full time (from home at the moment), and this is the only thing that makes her happy, she treats my children well and they love her but I don’t want them to go to her all the time.

So AIBU to give up trying or is there something out there that eases boredom and loneliness that I am just not thinking of.

Nothing is going to stop her constant demands for your attention other than you changing your level of contact with her

Stop pandering to her.

I'd shout back.

Are you her only child? I agree that the more you give the more she'll want, and if she's a fit and healthy 70 year old she shouldn't be making herself deliberately dependent on you (or any one individual).

Living too close to parents as an adult has significant pitfalls... Though once they actually need practical support its useful... codependent relationships are bad for everyone.

Stop offering her ideas/suggestions of things to do.

At the end of the day, she's an adult and her own entertainment is her own problem. Many people (myself included) have been bored and a bit lonely during lockdown. But it's not other people's job to sort that out for me.

I have a friend who sounds a lot like your DM. Very "woe is me", always asking for advice/ideas, but then never acts on any of the advice she's given. She wants people to make sympathetic noises at her, but has no real interest in changing her situation.

No way should you put up with being shouted at on the phone. You should tell her "if you shout at me, I'm going to hang up on you." And then follow through.

Do you have any siblings who could share the burden?

I'm of the view, that just because they are our parents, it doesn't make them immune from being called out when they are behaving badly.

I would stop trying to solve her boredom, because every time she gets bored she will cone to you expecting entertainment. The only way this will stop is if you refuse to d o her thinking.

OP I could have written your post and have a DM who sounds very similar. No advice really but just a hand hold and acknowledgement that you're not on your own with it. It's very hard and I empathise. Haven't managed to find a way to move forward with mine other than to shout back on occasion - which does work for a while though not ideal either.

I noticed that DM has your children to look after while you work. Perhaps you have not realised and it took me a long time to realise maybe you have been dropping off and picking up without stopping for a cup of tea and a chat. Maybe this is why DM feels lonely

She doesn't want solutions - I suspect she enjoys moaning.

Change locks so she can't just come into your house, try and meet in neutral locations though that may be hard at the minute - any outside venues.

Tell her less about your life - so she has less to comment on - screen calls and have a set time/day to ring her or when you feel you can cope with the calls.

Basically start managing her behavior as she won't change but how you respond to her can.

" She has looked after my children a few times now because dh and I work full time (from home at the moment), and this is the only thing that makes her happy, she treats my children well and they love her but I don’t want them to go to her all the time."

Why?

All the way through reading that, I was thinking, why not rope her in for childcare duties. She's lonely and wants company, kids need looking after, you want her off your back, she treats the children well. Seems like a perfect solution all round to me,

She has looked after my children a few times now because dh and I work full time (from home at the moment), and this is the only thing that makes her happy, she treats my children well and they love her but I don’t want them to go to her all the time.

Are outting out with her at weekends to zoo or parks as possiblity ie something to do with your nuclear family? It could help dilute her comments to you and increase her confidence in going back out and about.

'So AIBU to give up trying'

No,not at all. Your mother sounds like my MIL, and I know exactly what you mean when you say it's like having a bored child to entertain! It sounds like absolutely nothing you do will ever be enough OP, and that is so exhausting and soul destroying

So have a think about what you actually WANT to do for your mother. How much contact would YOU like, how often would YOU like to see her, share things with her that YOU want to share,but don't play the game of endless jumping through hoops trying to please her. It sounds like she doesn't actually want solutions, she wants to stay stuck in martyr mode. That's really sad, but it's her problem, not yours. Shes an adult, not your child, and you dont have to pander to her

So it may well feel very strange, but do try to shift your focus on how you would like to conduct the relationship, rather than only thinking about what she needs from you

Thank you for the advice so far. I am an only child so feel an extra duty to be there. She’s not all bad and I feel sorry for her that she is on her own after my father died. She tells me everyday how independent she is and has no idea how much she asks of me, from her point of view she (pre-covid) cleans my house, looks after my children and lives in her own home but she rings me numerous times a day to say how someone has slighted her, she obsesses over absolute minutia and she refuses to do anything new. I desperately want to help her, I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone’s day to be primarily about cleaning and making sure the neighbours bin isn’t two inches on her side. She absolutely rejects everything other than me visiting her or my children being in her house. Even then, she tells me it’s not enough.

Is she hinting at having the kids more?

If she shouts at you, hang up. It sounds like an awfully enmeshed relationship. Your purpose in life is not to make her happy.

I do ask her to help with looking after my children and she is very loving towards them, but growing up I know she can have a nasty streak and I always try and make sure that it never crosses the line where looking after my children seems like a duty rather than a pleasure.

She raised me with a much firmer hand and I have made it clear that I don’t speak to my children like she did with me and I won’t raise my hand to them either. She has been very respectful of that, but there’s always something at the back of my mind that stops me asking her for more childcare.

is there something out there that eases boredom and loneliness that I am just not thinking of.

Yes, it's called stepping away and letting her manage her own life.

I think you've had years of emotional abuse that has led you to think that calling, video calling etc multiple times a day when you're mid-30s, working fulltime, have 2 kids yourself... it's only normal if you genuinely WANT to and have time to do it. In my social circle, the level of dependancy your mother has been placing on you would be nipped in the bud quite quickly - it's different if there's an emergency, but this is just normal daily life. most people don't have the time or energy to be boosting her emotional life to that degree - if my mum needed daily calls/videos etc, well.. between work, commute, raising small children, i could manage it for a few days in a row by juggling stuff.. but it wouldn't be sustainable.

Think about what committments you are having to juggle, OP.

Presumably:
You want, and need, to take care of yourself.
You want, and need, to be a good mother.
You want, and need, to be a good wife.
You want, and need, to be a good employee to enable the above.
You want, and need to be a good family member.

Notice the running order I placed those in.

Why has your mother brainwashed you into thinking she comes first, and you are responsible for her? She seems to have warped your headspace into thinking that, instead of it being her duty to support and love you, and develop you as a strong independant person in the world.. YOU (as the child) owe it to her (as the parent).

This is a shocking state.

You should get yourself over to the Elderly care forum on MN, there are many toxic demands that elderly parents place on their children, and you need to develop skills to push back on where you are happy with a boundary being formed.

(I say this as the child in your relationships.. my mother was always prioritising my grandmother, to the point that whilst i wasn't neglected physically, every spare moment in the evening/weekends was shopping for (my healthy, 60-something, richer) gran.. helping her get to the pharmacy, calling her every day or else she'd ring ring ring the landline.. then any attempt to actually have a day as mum/dad/me/my siblings, gran would "feel ill"... this went on for 20 years after even i moved out of home, she lived into her 90s and i look back on my childhood knowing that us kids were neve,r ever a priority... don't do that to your kids.)

Restrict the call to once a day only. Every second day, spend a bit longer talking to her but make the in between call, a quick checking in one. Let her ramble on and restrict what you tell her about your own life, so that she can't have too much of an opinion.

Tell her you will speak to her once a day only, as you are finding you are neglecting the children too much and you need to spend more time with them.

Oh and stop trying to find solutions for her. Sympathise and say things like "That sounds hard. What do you think you can do about it?"

My DM can be a bit like that and she lives with us so it can be constant. I've tried as best I can to get her involved with things outside the home but you can only lead a horse to water. DM's world is us and home, and it's been worse since March of course. She gets so irritated by stupid minutiae but that's just how she is now.

You just have to accept that you can't change people, only they can change themselves. But it's absolutely fine to feel cross and frustrated with them at times.

I agree with Jeremy above. Whenever she whinges and creates a problem for herself, put the onus back where it belongs; on her.

Ask her what she is going to do about it. When she asks you what she should do, tell her you don't know, you aren't her, or the problem isn't yours, how is SHE going to solve it. Make her think about things. You can acknowledge the problem (as Jeremy says, say 'oh, that sounds hard or miserable or whatever') but don't offer solutions.

She doesn't want solutions anyway. She just wants to moan. Stop trying to help her.

And send the kids to her more often. Sounds like they all have a great time (but don't let her make you feel guilty about seeing other people or going out without her. If a partner did that, it would be called 'abuse').

Hmmm I’m commenting to come back and read later, because I was reading Mumsnet while on the phone to my mum during my work day. Similarly she’s widowed and 70 and thinks my house is filthy.

What do all the elderly parents of uncontactable-unless-a-genuine-emergency people do? They cope, that's what.

In my family, good luck just getting a police officer to "have a bit of a chat" while on shift (sure, they can radio in a family emergency, but the phone's in the station locker at shift start).

Or a teacher during class time - can't just stop because mum wants a chat during the day on the phone.

Or in a call centre where there's always a queue of customers to answer and you need your 15mins "official" break time to actually get water/nip to the loo.

Or a waitress serving in a busy coffee bar, etc.

Honestly, elderly parents have unrealistic expectations sometimes - if you want to, and can, support their expectations - awesome. Otherwise, push back.

She sings like my mother. Loves to moab about how awful her life is, has reasons (excuses) why every solution I put to her is inappropriate. I concluded (with the help of a counselor) that she's only happy being unhappy and I let her get on with it now. I refuse to be dragged down by her.

Luckily I live far too far away for her to be able to pop in. She suggested buying the house next door but that would be horrendous. When I was about 25 she found a house she thought would be perfect for 'us', with a separate flat upstairs for me. Except, as I pointed out to her, she'd never have let me spend any time on my own up there as she'd demand my attention the whole time. She agreed, and couldn't see anything wrong with it!

The more you give your mother the more she'll demand. You need to decide (with someone else if necessary) where your boundaries lie then put in the work establishing them. She'll fight back but it'll be worth it.

Stop enabling her to treat you like crap. Stop buying things to cure her boredom, let her be bored and find her own solution to it. She's not a toddler and it isn't your job to entertain her.