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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argument over my phobis

18 replies

Sueeeeree · 17/08/2020 07:19

Hi,
I'm 26 and boyfriend is 27.
I never realised until recently that i have a phobia of water.
I just cant bring myself to go in to open water. It makes me clam up.

Boyfriend and I took his teen nephews swimming on a lake 3 days ago. It was sunny so i was happy sunbathing whilst they were swimming. I stood in water but I had a minor panic and got out to sunbathe.

We went again today with nephews. I was really excited and I bought myself a float so I could go in the water and feel safe. I honestly thought I would do it.

But I saw the lake and I froze so I told his nephews I"d be in soon so i sat down. Boyfriend had gone toilet which was a 20 minute walk away.

It was freezing today and I stupidly wore a skirt and bikini but they were all in wetsuits. His nephews were shouting over for me to come in and I kept saying "I will soon!"

Boyfriend came back about half an hour or more later and he saw I looked down and I told him I'm cold and I dont want to go in the water. He then said "oh not again" and a spat started.
I said I wasnt in a wetsuit so I was cold whereas they were in wetsuits. He then offered to to buy me one but as they were £180 I said no as I wouldnt wear it as I dont really swim. He then started telling me to go try one on and I said I didnt want to so he was getting stressed, i was getting stressed.
In the end i went to try one on but they were all too big for me.

So I said it's fine, i'll sit and watch.
But i felt frustrated with myself that I just couldnt go in the water. So I got a bit tearful that I couldnt do it (even though i know it was unreasonable panic).

Boyfriend came out and asked if i was okay, i said yes, i"m just scared of water.
He went back in.

On the way home, I admit i was quiet and not really speaking to anyone but I was gutted about my phobia.
Anyway, there was a guy walking on the street who couldnt walk properly and boyfriend and his nephew started laughing. I snapped about how they shouldnt be laughing at a person with a disability.

Cue a massive argument in the house. Him saying how I always go in a mood and i honestly thought we were breaking up.

We havent but I feel so stupid and embarrassed and just need to vent :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Sueeeeree · 17/08/2020 07:20

I meant phobia in title

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2020 07:26

Your boyfriend sounds like a knob. He wasn't kind to you when he knew you were afraid and then he laughs at a disabled man as well. Not a good guy for you.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 17/08/2020 07:28

You were right to call them out on making fun of a person with disabilities, completly.
He had a go at you probably because he knows he hasn't got any reason or excuse to do this.
Open swimming is fun for some not for others I won't do it without my life vest on, if you don't like it, you don't have to do it. end of, he's a bit of a dick isn't he.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 17/08/2020 07:28

I don't think YABU to be afraid of the water, and it's up to you if you choose to address it. However you didn't say to him initially or was a phobia you said you'd feel better with a float, you got a float, it didn't make you feel better, ok that's fine, but you didn't dress appropriately for the weather and then sat on the beach crying while he was trying to have a day out with his nephews. He was willing to spend a lot of money to make you feel more comfortable as you stated that it was in part because you were cold. You should've either gone home or out a smile on stayed on the beach and definitely not gone next time they do.

The later comment is almost irrelevant, yes they should've been challenged on their discrimination, you snapping at them after being moody all day was never going to be effective.

Original poster

Sueeeeree · 17/08/2020 07:32

I was trying to explain to him that my reaction to open water is the same as someone who can't jump out of a plane or who cant be in a room with a spider but he doesnt get it;
I really only found out the past few days how scared i was of open water as i dont really swim. I thought i would be fine.
But he thinks im making excuses and that it seems im more hormonal.
Also he says i need to sort how i deal with my emotions. I suppose i do but i froze and panicked over the lake water.

OP posts:

mysuperpowerisme · 17/08/2020 07:34

I dont have a phobia of water but i dont like swimming in anything other than nice heated pools :D

He was being unreasonable but taking the piss out of someone who cant walk properly isnt a great role model for kids :S

Original poster

Sueeeeree · 17/08/2020 07:34

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit i agree and i would've gone home if i had my car but he drove. And ive told him i wont go next time

OP posts:

Tadpolesandfroglets · 17/08/2020 07:37

He sounds awful. Do you really want to go out with someone who treats you like that and thinks it’s okay to laugh at others?

malificent7 · 17/08/2020 08:00

Never mind the first bit....him laughing at a disabled person would be a deal breaker for me.

Chanjer · 17/08/2020 08:11

He sounds horrible. laughing at the person that couldn't walk well? Really?

I have the same fear of water like lakes and rivers. I don't even like watching other people do it. It is silly but it's a phobia

heartsonacake · 17/08/2020 08:18

It’s okay to have a phobia, but you need to be clear on that.

Don’t make up excuses of “I will be in soon!” and “I can’t, I’m not dressed appropriately” when they aren’t the route of the real issue and you still won’t be going on.

Particularly with the nephews - if you’re repeatedly saying “soon!” and not going in they’re just waiting for you and going to be getting annoyed so it’s not fair on them.

I also think it was unfair to sit there crying while he’s having a family day put.

Just be honest: “I won’t be going in the water because I’m scared to.”

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2020 08:21

Well, if you can't swim it's not surprising you're afraid of open water and you're probably wise not to attempt it until you can swim. Are you interested in learning how to swim?

You certainly should be interested in losing the tosser boyfriend who likes to mock disabled people though.

wildcherries · 17/08/2020 08:27

He laughed at a disabled person and showed his nephews that it was an acceptable thing to do. And he is unkind to you when you are afraid.

Why are you still there? He's not a good person.

SerenDippitty · 17/08/2020 08:40

@mysuperpowerisme

I dont have a phobia of water but i dont like swimming in anything other than nice heated pools :D

He was being unreasonable but taking the piss out of someone who cant walk properly isnt a great role model for kids :S

Me too. I might at a push go into the sea and play in the surf but wouldn’t swim out further than waist deep. Would not swim in lakes or rivers.

And he was a knob to laugh at the disabled man.

EKGEMS · 17/08/2020 12:07

He's an immature,insensitive,ignorant idiot!

LakieLady · 17/08/2020 12:10

He's being a complete shit.

Explain to him that you have a phobia. If he still behaves like a shit over it, bin him off.

recklessruby · 17/08/2020 12:19

Yanbu.
It sounds like he was trying to act the big man in front of his nephews by making out your phobia is stupid when its absolutely not. A phobia is a primal reaction you cant help. I used to have a few but have managed to get over most at the grand age of 52.
He was unkind and that s not what you want from a boyfriend.
Similarly mocking the disabled man. That's horrible and you were right to call him out on that.
Why are with someone who makes you cry?

MzHz · 17/08/2020 12:31

When is your birthday?

Give yourself an early present of dumping this sorry excuse for a human being and find someone better

Sheesh, even without the laughing at a poor old man this guy is a prick! Being in a relationship with a man this awful is a poor reflection on anyone

Be smart. Dump him today and get on with living well!

Re the phobia- you CAN fix this - if you want to. It’ll take time, it’ll be uncomfortable for you, but the sooner you can try to overcome it, the less deep seated it will get. Is it just open water? Are you ok in pools?

I’m a swimmer myself now, but was afraid of water, face in water and I’m slooooowly becoming more confident in open water. I’m twice your age too, I t can be done love, if you want to and when you want to.

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