To be annoyed by this? Or being overly sensitive?

[bluesoup1]

Bit of a long story.

I have rosacea and am a member of a rosacea support group on Facebook. The type I have is facial flushing which can be triggered by a number of things but when it happens not only is it unsightly but also usually brings with it a killer headache and my face feels like it's on fire.

I posted a photo to the group last night and had a lot of lovely comments (the group is generally great and such a safe space), but one guys response was "it's probably worse in your head than in real life. You still look pretty and I'm sure lots of men will find you attractive with or without rosacea. I don't think you'll have any problem landing a man!!" Now perhaps his intentions were good, but am I right to find this a tad misogynistic? The idea that a woman might only care about her appearance in order to please or attract a man??

The second part to this. Well I'm gay. I wasn't going to mention this as frankly I could be bothered in engaging in conversation with this man but a friend on the group mentioned it on my behalf. His response then was "ah well, I'm basically a lesbian in a man's body so if you ever change your mind 😉😉😏😏." I wonder if the tables were turned and a gay man said to him "I'm a straight woman in a man's body so if you ever change your mind."

This isn't the first time I've had comments like this and a lot of gay women would testify saying the same thing. "I'm sure I could change your mind." "You just haven't met the right man yet." It's often men like this who also sexualise and fetishise gay women. I have straight male friends who've been hit on my gay guys. Laughed it off, taken it as a compliment and given them a gentle rejection. But I can't help but think the types of guys who say things like this are also likely the times who'd be fuming if a gay guy tried it on with them.

Perhaps I am being overly sensitive but I've had years of these kinds of comments. My girlfriend and I once had a bunch of drunk guys at a bar yelling at us to kiss and called us "stuck up dykes" when we refused. I've had people say "but you're too pretty to be a lesbian it's only the women who can't find men who become lesbians" and all sorts of other crap. It's so tedious. The guy from the Facebook group may have genuinely not realised how irritating comments like that are and he perhaps thought he was being terribly funny I'd just love to know what's going through peoples heads.

You’re not being unreasonable at all to find this offensive. My sister is gay and I can’t tell you the amount of nights out we’ve been on and she’s had similar comments “sure I can’t change your mind?” “You can’t be gay gay women don’t look like you!” “You’re a lesbian? That’s hot!!” So many men completely sexualise lesbians and their relationships.

As for the comment on your flushing. Sounds to me like he was really trying to pay you a compliment but is probably just a bit naive and ignorant in how things come across. I had a terrible reaction once’s time a spot cream and came up with a terrible rash and my boyfriend said “it’s ok I still think you’re hot.” He meant well but him finding me hot or not was the absolute least of my worries.

Definitely misogynist, but I think he had the best of intentions. I know it's contradictory. I hope the flare up calms down soon.

He sounds a grade A creep. Can he be removed from the group?

I am also a lesbian, and I once had someone tell me I obviously just hadn't met the 'right man'. Well...I don't want a man, whether he's 'right' or not!

@WhatInFreshHell

I am also a lesbian, and I once had someone tell me I obviously just hadn't met the 'right man'. Well...I don't want a man, whether he's 'right' or not!

I had a guy once literally grab his crotch and say "I've got a cure for lesbianism"

If he's over 25 then he probably doesn't have the best intentions. He spoke how he thinks, women are for fucking and as long as we stay fuckable, then it's all good.

We need to stop giving men the benefit of the doubt. We wouldn't do it with racism, so why sexism? Likewise homophobia.

You've just found that there isn't any safe places for women, if men are on there. We should be grateful for their attention, even if it crosses into sexual harassment. I'm surprised that it wasn't pointed out to him how much of a saddo he is.

Just going to answer one bit of this and say I agree that the first comment was misogynistic, but I think there’s a general social assumption that the main preoccupation of women (in particular) is to look ‘attractive’. Perhaps the guy genuinely thought he was paying you a compliment. He may even have thought the second comment was complimentary! Very clunky and naive.

Don't listen to people excusing it. Is the purpose of the group to find love or for people to tell you that you're attractive? or is it to help boost your confidence when you go out etc.

Frankly i'd ask the mods to have the comment removed. It's sexist claptrap in the first part and sick-making piss-taking in the 2nd part.

Unfortunately this is completely normal. Lots of men assume that a woman's main concern is whether or not she's attractive to men. They think they are being really nice when they reassure you - it honestly hasn't even entered their heads that you might not give a shit. In their world men are proper people who do things, have goals and ambitions, and women are add ons to these people whose purpose is to be attractive so they can "catch" the most successful man.

I expect he's on the group in the first place to hit on women with low self esteem.
His comments were terrible.

He’s a creep. No normal man would make comments like that and think it’s acceptable.

Just report him to the admin and block him so you don't see his posts. You're way overthinking this - you get numpties everywhere

@BlueJava

Just report him to the admin and block him so you don't see his posts. You're way overthinking this - you get numpties everywhere

This is hugely trivialising and not far off the “get over it attitude” of women who find being wolf whistled annoying.

is it a moderated group? Complain to admin

He's a homophobic, misogynist dickhead, just like all the other blokes who have made similar comments over the years. Report to the group admins to get him removed. Groups like this need to be inclusive and supportive, he's damaging that.

His comments are grim.
I wouldn’t have got too wound up about the first comment, I wouldn’t have been happy but I could brush it off. The ‘I’m a lesbian in a mans body’ comment is offensive on so many levels.