Just cut off a best friend but sick of fake friends

[wobblywinelover]

Hi all posting here for opinions. Been friends for over 20 years which is significant, but she's let me down a couple of times (sometimes understandable) but the latest was she would take me out for a meal and pay for it and thank me for all the support i'd given her through her divorce etc (It was tough, sometimes it was every night video calling with updates expecting kind supportive words etc, got very draining) but we got through that, she said she wanted to take me out for a meal on friday to thank me for my counselling services, next minute I know she is telling me she's off to her sisters that night, no reference to our night out which I had pencilled in on my calendar and she said she did the same ( admitted she had a bad memory) but this is something I thought was important as I hoped she had. Anyway i've messaged her saying i'm cross and thought our friendship meant more. It's not the first time tbh, she's shown lack of empathy in my situation via video chhats andi've found her frustrating. I've now blocked her I'm so annoyed after 20 years of shit i'm not going to be taken for granted. She was annoyed at my 'cross messages' ie setting boundaries. I've just blocked her I see no going back after the rest of the shit i've counselled her through what do you guys think was I right to block her?

If you feel the friendship has come to the end of the line then yes, you were right to block her.

I've also cut off a number of friends over the last few years after deciding that the costs outweighed the benefits emotionally. It is sad but it's important to look after yourself and from what you've said it didn't sound like she saw you as much more than a free therapist.

I feel that there’s more to this than meets the eye.

The fact that you’ve blocked her , after 20 years, without sitting down and talking to her about how you feel about how your friendship is going speaks volumes.
It sounds like you’ve had enough of her.
It would be interesting to hear your friend’s side of this story though.

Seems a bit extreme to block her & cut her off after 20yrs because of 1 missed meet up. I guess only you know the history & if this is a friendship worth saving. If it was a friend I wanted to keep I would meet up with her and tell her I was hurt and feeling a little taken for granted. Sounds like she's been having a rough time & you've been a good friend. I'd give her a little leeway.

Sad you’d cut an old friend off that easily. No need for the blocking imo, it’s unnecessarily hurtful. Just act like an adult and communicate. Tell her you’re upset. Let her make amends if she wants to. If she doesn’t, just scale back the friendship. No need for blocking and dramatics imo.

I've got a problem with the phrase 'counselling services'. It sounds odd and really quite business like, considering you two were supposed to be 'best friends'.

You haven't 'counselled' her through anything. You're not a professional therapist waiting for an invoice to be paid.

Perhaps it's best for both of your if you part company as shit happens in life and best friends are who we tend to rely on. Not 'counselling services'.

I understand your frustration but I think blocking her as a final act of ending things is a bit unfair/severe as the friendship has been for so long . I think you should explain directly how you’ve felt and why you feel sidelined, allowing her the opportunity to apologise and see your perspective (and not just via ‘Cross messages’). It sounds like this is the first time she’s hearing of you feeling taking for granted and didn’t know she has upset you (even if she should’ve, but she may have been distracted with her divorce etc).

By all means if she doesn’t take steps to see your perspective then you’d be well within your rights to cut ties as it may have run its course.

I think as a general rule it’s best not to make big decisions about the people in your life while angry, as emotion can cloud your judgement. It’s one thing to fully reflect on a friendship and see that it might not be best to carry on, but blocking someone after a series of heated messages (which can be notoriously bad at showing tone anyway) and deciding to end things based on that seems more rash.

I think this must be a final straw? Otherwise it would seem extreme. I ended up blocking a friend of several years because he cancelled a catch up but it was on the back of being late EVERY time we met up, or waiting till I was outside his house to pick him up at the agreed time to say he was still in bed etc. I gave up and decided it wasn’t worth it

What @1Morewineplease said. It sounds insanely melodramatic and self-defeating to end a 20 year friendship over something so minor without even talking to her about it.

I agree it’s also deeply odd you keep referring to you ‘counselling’ her.

Yeah this is a bit of a final straw extreme thing, she's shown a complete lack of empathy for my dating life, always thinks i'm being negative (despite the fact I ended up with a stalker and have upped my life insurance because I think he's dangerous) she didn't believe me on that either. She's belittled my views on a lot of things. I can show her proof of my stalker but she still thinks i'm overacting. I've never felt such despair and lack of support for my situation but i'm expected to give her divorce advice even though i've never been divorced!! Just feel our situations have been imbalanced. I was in fear of my life but she dismissed it despite me reporting it to the police yet I have to hear every detail of her divorce. Quite frankly i'm sick of it, have done it for two years plus but now she is letting me down. Makes me want to throw the towel at her, didn't give a shit about me or the fact a guy was stalking me.

I've spent years being a supportive friend and helping through things because that's what friends do. but when I need a bit of help back or a promise fulfilled that's where I refer it to a false promise. I'm sorry if that sounds dramatic but after 20 odd years thought she'd fulfill a promise of a night out. Not that i'm expecting the earth or anything. Just a bit of genuine two way friendship]#

I don't feel that she's been a good friend to me given the circumstances I was in. so In some respects I think she was just happy to tell me all her problems and ignore mine. For at least 3 years I would say

For me blocking is only good in certain aspects but I view it as a form of control and manipulation. 20 years of friendship and you have blocked her without giving her the chance of a face to face conversation based on why you're upset with her. Its a bit much

I'm not meaning to control or manipulate, I just can't be doing with shit! I feel that if I didn't block her she would just say i'm being unreasonable and blah blah blah and choose to ignore her wrongdoings. Why shouldn't I block her if i'm sick of the lame excuses?

it does feel like counselling services when all she does it talk about herself but when I try to talk about me and my experiences with abusive relationships she doesn't understand what a. what a narcissist is, B the meaning and consequence of gaslighting. And never want to be bothered getting to know about it. God forbid she could go through it because she's now lost a friend who could explain it to her!

I sympathise OP I had similar with a "friend" who would turn up on my doorstep every time her and her bf of 7 years had an argument, and I'd listen for hours but she was never interested in me and my life.

We eventually fell out after I told her how I felt and then she blocked me 😁 this was about 5 years ago, she unblocks me every now and then and messages me when she's pissed but then blocks me again when I don't reply 🤷‍♀️

thanks @happinessischololate I feel the same the imbalance is real. Despite 20 years. I've put up with it for too long. The interrupted face time calls, the disrupted phone callls, the cut offs every time this that or the other excuse sick of it all