AIBU to think that my husband’s ex is totally out of line and he is ridiculous to put up with it?

[Ickle37]

I have lurked on here for five years to get answers and tips about step parenting and ex’s. Now I am stumped. There is so much more to this story, but the bare bones of it being-
DH has been literally stranded in a total shit hole due to “ operational need” for 5 months. No one has seen him. He gets home soon. Obviously my children will be delighted. Dsd lives a long way from us. During the 5 months we have been made aware that he isn’t allowed to contact her, because the phone and sim we bought her has been taken away but she is really cunning and her mum doesn’t realise anything about Instagram chat ( but we still pay phone bills wtf!)
So because i know everyone has their limits of socialising i opted out of the trip to see dsd ( though despite her dreadful mother we have a pretty solid fun/ loving relationship) . I know already that my dsd would have been worked into a frenzy about all this, so i dont want to add to the drama. My dh and ds will take the 500 mile trip to see her.
Ex has said they can only meet once outside , they cant hug and not be in the same car. Is this nuts?? Aibu to think she is using the pandemic to get another dig in. Dh can get a test and would have had three by the time he gets there.. Ex is still working full time and dsd would have had a week at school!!
What do other mums of split families think?
My dh is a lamb of a human, so kind, but completely unable to cope with confrontation. These two HATE each other with a venom i don’t understand if you have had a child together.... it baffles me. Why would you want a child who has been cooped up for 5 months, not seen her Daddy for 6- to not get a hug!! Aibu?

No yanbu of course he should get to hug his DD.
I assume it isn't the first time ExW has exerted control over DH.
Considering she is back in school I don't see theres a risk.

Children of separated families have always been able to move between houses for contact, so of course she can see him normally.

Did his ex move away from your DH with his dd? Not sure how a decent relationship can be had between him and his dd living 250 miles away.

@Livelovebehappy

Did his ex move away from your DH with his dd? Not sure how a decent relationship can be had between him and his dd living 250 miles away.

I and DD’s dad lived around that distance apart. 4 hour drive. From when she was 5. They have an excellent relationship - they saw each other every 2-3 weeks until she was 18 then sorted it themselves. There’s always a way. In this case the ex seems unreasonable, which might cause an issue, but the distance isn’t the problem.

Try 500 miles. No. Its hideous. This isnt my choice, though my fault. He has always worked abroad for long long periods of time. He met me and we now live in the town where my ( quite high earning ) job is. The option to move to close to dd is always on the table. On balance we felt the access would be less and more problematic, arguments increased and revenue of both parties obliterated. Dh basically parents all his children on web cam. Such is life. Its been this way long before me.

It is up to your DH to stand up to his ex and if his child with her us over 8 it helps. She is 250 miles away so what else can she do that he can't fight?

I agree. As a parent I would destroy anyone who got in my way. I say this to him, he just said i had 9 years of absolute misery and I cant take it anymore. He is devoted to his kids, but how much battle do people have in them really?? Whats the point in the arguments after 5 yrs and both parties re- married!?

I got married late as did all my friends, the few couple i know who are split say the same- there isnt much like for each other but for the kids they keep it cool and easy. I just cant compute in this time, why a mother is trying to come between her daughter ( nrly a teenager) and her Daddy?? Whats the use or purpose??

He hasn't really demonstrated to dsd that he cares much though, has he? Couldn't he go to Court and get a sensible arrangement sorted so that a) he gets to see her on a more definite basis which ex can't argue with, and b) that dsd KNOWS he considers contact with her to be worth the trouble of going to Court over it.

Agreed. It’s something that i have championed, as have my family ( huge group of bossy women). We get to the point of talking to solicitors and realise it will just get nasty.. Lots of money spent, and a dsd who will resent every waking moment with us because her Mum is a class A manipulator. My dsd is a happy little/ big girl, Daddy buys her what she wants ( with reason) she has a family unit which seems ok by us. Why rock the apple cart for our own sake. Why must the answer be courts?? Why cant people just be kind and reasonable?? Why cant a mother allow reasonable access to a man she decided to have a child with!!!

He sounds useless.

He parents all his children via webcam?

What a legend he is.

Why do people do this - they settle down and have DC knowing fine well they have neither the energy nor the commitment to be a constant part of their lives, moving 500 miles away for a new partner thinking their DC will understand? I genuinely can't see how you could love, respect and cherish someone who treats their DC like something they can drop.

He chose to move away, chose not to move back closer, buys his daughter everything she wants, parents by webcam, encourages her to hide interenet activity from her Mum (fuck knows who else she is chatting with on that Instagram chat!) and swans in and out every few months... And you wonder why the child's mother, who has to do all of the day-to-day work while Disney Dad parents via webcam doesn't like him?

He doesn't happen to have two older daughters does he? Because he sounds very like my ex. I hate him because it's me that has to pick up the pieces when he fucks off away again for 6 months at a time.