To worry about my younger sister.

[Bobby29]

I live with my partner and children. My younger brother and sisters are all quite a bit younger than me. I haven’t lived at home for 10 years.

One of my sisters is 18.

She’s not got much get up and go. She dropped out of college, has never had a job - not even a part time one. She just doesn’t want to. Just sits around on her phone all day. She doesn’t lift a finger in their house. My stepdad would be awful to me if I didn’t do chores etc, but she seems to get away with everything.

I don’t like to compare but at that age I was working and moved out into my own place when I was 19. I was always fairly independent. She is not at all. Doesn’t do anything for herself.

But the thing is my mum and my stepdad buy her everything. Literally she has the latest phone, designer clothes, expensive make up etc and I just can’t help thing it’s not really doing her any good?

They never had much money when I was that age and I had to work for everything. I never had the latest things in fact the complete opposite. I probably sound a little jealous here (maybe I am a little). I never had a dad to spoil me like she does so I guess that plays on my mind too.

Aibu to think they really need to encourage her to get a part time job and not expect everyone to do things for her? I know things are hard with covid and lockdown but there has been a lot of casual temporary work advertised locally for the summer season where I live.

Surely it’s not good for an 18 year old to be expected to be given everything on a plate?

Maybe I’m just not used to it 🤣

I can’t help feel that she needs some encouragement!

YANBU. You could casually mention it to your mum but other than that there's not a lot you can do without starting a row I imagine? Or perhaps address your sister directly and ask what her plans are/what would she like to achieve and maybe offer to help her research/have a look over her CV etc.

Of course it's not good, how will she ever learn to stand on her own two feet? But it is your mum and stepdad who are the issue here, of course your sister will take what is given to her as she has no incentive to work.

I could have written your post although the ages are slightly different.

It baffles me as my mum and step dad were so hard on me and I had to do everything for myself. To the extent that when I started uni and didn’t get a place in halls I had to drive 100 miles every weekend to look at houses to rent without having a clue what I was doing and then having to take out a student account just so I could have an overdraft to pay the deposit.

It feels like they’ve just given up with my younger siblings and give them money, let them get away with doing the absolute bare minimum etc. It’s sad because they’re very capable children but they’re allowed to just sit around on electronics all day. I don’t think they did any home schooling at all during lockdown and my parents are highly educated so no excuse.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do if I’m honest, I try to encourage my siblings as much as I can as I think a massive lack of confidence in their own abilities is a big part of the problem but I’m not sure it makes much difference when they’ve got such a lovely easy life.

Very similar situation too! My younger half sister is 18 too, she has very few qualifications, has never worked, and doesnt have any get up and go.
I actually feel very sorry for her. Being the unwanted stepchild made me ambitious and independent.

Shes only and in a pademic. I don't know any under 18s who work.

Only 18 oops

Lots of under 18s have summer jobs, weekend jobs, and after school jobs.
I did summers in the local chip shop, a paper round, summers dishwashing and waitressing, and when I was in 6th form I had job cleaning offices, and a christmas temp job at wilkos.
Good to have money. Good on a CV no matter what you go into.

YANBU. This just seems to be the way of it with 18 year olds these days, up to mid 20s sometimes. Certainly that's what many I encounter through my job are like. Expect everything and give nothing, no initiative, no common sense and also no manners (as in, put your phone down when you are talking to someone). God, I sound ancient!

Yanbu but I think this is fairly common these days.
I'd stay out of it in case you come across as envious or something. But you're right, they're not doing her any favours.
I worked for 2 pounds an hour when I was 16! Tbf all I learned is that many people are bloody horrible! (It was a waitressing job.)

“This just seems to be the way of it with 18 year olds these days, up to mid 20s sometimes.”

This is just not true! I’m 20 and have been working in some capacity since the age of 16, as have almost all of my friends.

Although, tbf, a pandemic is probably not the best time to take this up with her!

Is she very shy?

My 18 DS has get up and go...I insist on it ...😅 To be fair so have all his friends and the 18 yr olds where we live. He has worked for two years in a shop while at college and is starting his degree apprenticeship so job and studying at same time....it isn't true all 18 yr olds are lazy, spoilt phone gazers.

@themarzipandildo I am so happy to hear that. You have restored my faith! X

hiddeneverythin

I’m glad

I too could have written your post. I agree it’s not so much your sister, but your parents. Do you ever say to them yet she needs a kick up the backside? I do [constantly] to DM- she’s realising now the truth of it.

@Bobby29 I know exactly how you feel. My DSis is 37 and our DM has been paying the rent on her flat for 12 years now. She gave her £5,000 to furnish it, has bought her a car, paid off credit cards and often pays for her shopping when they go to the supermarket together.

I, like you, have always been the sensible, independent one. DM insists she loves us equally but it's hard not to feel hard done by when she treats us so differently. I'd love my mum to say, "I've just given your DSis some money so here's the same amount for you." I'd probably turn it down but it would just be nice of her to offer. I know I shouldn't let it affect me but I definitely feel less close to DM as a result.

My DSis has worked but mostly in low wage jobs and I feel she should be encouraged to live within her means rather than be subsidised. It's not done me any good bringing it up with my DM but I hope you have better luck, OP.

Sorry, forgot to mention that I never get a penny off my mum and she certainly never helped me when I moved into my first flat and when we go out she never even buys me so much as a cup of tea! I'm always the one who pays.

Another independent,
much older “stepchild” here too!
Are your stepdads also very domineering over your mums? My mum is like some kind of hologram. Her thoughts and opinions are all based on my stepdad’s. She’d never disagree with him about anything. It makes the differing treatment of her two sets of children very clear.

Yes @AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken exactly that. Stepdad a very domineering angry little man. Shed stand by and do nothing, and eventually I felt like I might as well have been her stepchild too.
I'm actually completely no contact with her and the stepdad now. Now that I'm a mother I understand her less and less.

Why should she work when she has everything handed to her on a plate?

@1Micem0use

Yes *@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken* exactly that. Stepdad a very domineering angry little man. Shed stand by and do nothing, and eventually I felt like I might as well have been her stepchild too. I'm actually completely no contact with her and the stepdad now. Now that I'm a mother I understand her less and less.

I actually wrote “I feel like they’re both my stepparents because my mum doesn’t really exist anymore” but deleted it because I didn’t think anyone would get what I meant. How depressingly reassuring xx

Thanks all! I actually forgot I posted this interesting to know there’s many who feel the same. I know she is only 18 but where I live (touristy seasonal area) there has been loads of jobs advertised for the summer which is the same every year! Really easy to find a job form 16+ here even if it’s just temporary or seasonal! I loved going out and earning my own money at that age!