Parenting an adult child!

[Lula72]

I have just had the most horrendous row with my 20 year old daughter, she still lives at home and is not showing any signs of actually growing up into a responsible adult. She is very selfish, can't keep a job, doesn't and won't help out around the house, but yet expects a meal on the table every night, she has no respect for her room, stained brand new carpets. Anyway my partner and I went away for the weekend and returned to the house which I though smelt of weed 😩, when I challenged her she went ballistic, shouting and screaming and swearing at me, I lost the plot and said I wished she would just leave, so she packed a bag and went to her boyfriends family, her attitude towards me was just awful. I have just reached the end of my tether, I want to move out of the city we live in but feel trapped as she doesn't want to move and just isn't responsible enough to fend for herself, I feel I can't live my life and there is just no light at the end of the tunnel. I would just love some advice and to not feel like I have been a totally shit mother.

You are not being unreasonable. If you want to move then move. Its sink or swim time

I'd be telling my daughter that we are selling up and leaving in x months, she needs to sort herself out a job and accommodation in that time.

Change the locks and text her to ask when she'll be collecting the rest of her stuff.

Seriously, this is the child that you brought up, to be a selfish, lazy, disrespectful adult woman. This is mostly your doing. So whatever you've done so far, it hasn't worked, time for something drastically different.

You can’t keep on living your life for her benefit. One of the rewards for keeping a child alive for 18 years is that you get to put your own needs first again. Your daughter is old enough to have to face life on her own dollar - so time for tough love, some non negotiable house rules and you jolly well move and do what you need to do

OP if your dd is and wants to be treated like an adult then she should be acting like one.Sadly she isnt displaying that.You have nothing to feel bad for. Your dd needs to reassess her life choices and grow up.

If she wants to move back in then you have to set up boundaries.

She works.

She contributes, both financially and in kind.

She treats you with respect.

Two month trial period , if she can't stick to the agreement then she has to leave.

If you were feeling kind you could give her her two months trial financial contributions towards a deposit.

Twenty is not too young to learn that the world (including employers and landlords) doesn't look kindly on abusive freeloaders.

Can you support her in living in some sort of shared accommodation OP? Why can you DD not keep a job? Things probably will be better once she moves out!

I made mine move out a month before she turned 18, I wasn't accepting her behaviour any longer.
We have a much better relationship now and I have no regrets at all.

@Bananabread8

Can you support her in living in some sort of shared accommodation OP? Why can you DD not keep a job? Things probably will be better once she moves out!

of mommy is going to continue to financially enable her why should she keep a job?

@RoadworksAgain

Change the locks and text her to ask when she'll be collecting the rest of her stuff.

Seriously, this is the child that you brought up, to be a selfish, lazy, disrespectful adult woman. This is mostly your doing. So whatever you've done so far, it hasn't worked, time for something drastically different.

My god, harsh!! Sometimes you can try your hardest and kids don't turn out to be the perfect person.

You need to sit down and have a calm conversation like adults. Shouting and changing locks isn't going to make this relationship better. Say you are moving, you can support her as she finds interviews, housing etc. You need to be firm but fair. She isn't going to change overnight

You will get posters here telling you it is all your fault. They believe that when a child (including adult children) are difficult it is the fault of their parent (most often the mum). It is insidious nonsense that you do not find until contemporary times.

Some children are just more difficult than others.

I feel your pain op my dd 18 had to move back home when university shut due to lockdown she was a nightmare as she was also furloughed from her part time job. Did nothing round the house while we worked. She moaned about everything was in bed all day up all night making a mess in the kitchen. We had a few rows she’s left to go and live with my sister and life is much calmer no more walking on eggshells although I don’t think dd is happy there either as dsi is very strict and she told ds she is being treated like a child but she hasn’t asked to come home yet

Her BF's parents will soon tire of her if she keeps up the lifestyle. Either that, or she'll realise that she's being a ball ache. I think you've given her a shock and frankly she needed it.

@RoadworksAgain

Change the locks and text her to ask when she'll be collecting the rest of her stuff.

Seriously, this is the child that you brought up, to be a selfish, lazy, disrespectful adult woman. This is mostly your doing. So whatever you've done so far, it hasn't worked, time for something drastically different.

I think this is good advice.

What you have been doing clearly isn't working.
She's 20.
This is not normal acceptable behaviour.

You both need space from each other.

I think the text from you should be very calm, delighted she is happy with her move and that you really hope it moves out.
Pack up her stuff and have it ready for her.

She needs a dose of reality.
Her attitude whilst at home is the problem more than her age.
She sounds like a deeply spoilt, entitled brat.
I don't believe parents have to take any old shite dished out to them by their children.

You aren’t a shit mother. But she’s also never going to be independent when she has it made at home. You should absolutely move, and let her know that you’re not anticipating her moving with you. Try to engage her about what she needs to do to find a place of her own - what does she need to save for a deposit, where can she work to fund herself etc. She had some sharp growing up to do and if she’s not taking those steps voluntarily you would be doing the right thing to push her into it.

My parents sold the family home when I was 20, and I had to move out, I wasn't even a bad kid either you have to put yourselves first, especially when she treats you like this

Stop feeling guilty. Too many adult children still at home have no respect for their hard working and caring parents. I do think that we are living in times where too many young adults expect to have rights, without understanding that they go with responsibilities. Everything to them is unfair if they do not get want they want.

So stop going over things in your head and enjoy the peace and quiet while she is gone. Then prepare a contract of what you expect from her while she is under your roof. Make it clear that anymore poor behaviour will not be tolerated. If she can't or won't agree, show her the door. She won't be on the street. Seems that she is too canny for that!

She needs to learn that the world outside won't put up with her shenanigans and neither will you, even if she is your daughter.