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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be irritated/concerned about DP/SIL and money?

18 replies

NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 16:41

NC because the details could be identifying.

DP's younger siblings both still live at home. They pay quite a lot of the bills and rent for the house (PIL contributes from his savings), but are not named on the tenancy. The council has, in the past, offered to find PIL and MIL alternative and more suitable housing; they're both struggling with the stairs and it's looking more and more likely they'll have to go for this at some point. SIL might be able to move with them as a carer, but as you now can't inherit council tenancies, when they die she wouldn't have a home. (We think she might be able to inherit the tenancy if PIL and MIL don't move, as it predates the new rules.)

SIL doesn't seem prepared for any of this. BIL has some savings and has been wanting to move into his own place for a while, but SIL won't save. She's not flashy with money, but there are things she could cut back on and won't; she also won't ask PIL and MIL to contribute more, though they could do this.

I know DP feels responsible for BIL/SIL in an older sibling kind of way, and has suggested SIL should consider moving near us when PIL die. My worry is that we'd become the automatic port of call if SIL were struggling with money. At the moment it looks as if SIL would probably inherit enough money from PIL for a decent rental deposit, but not enough to afford the sort of rent she'd need to pay for the sort of place she'd see as liveable. I am frustrated because whenever we discuss things like how much private rental is, SIL simply refuses to consider the fact that what she could afford would be a room in a shared house or a very small place, and just says 'I don't like the idea of that'. When we say 'then maybe you'd need to start saving now?' she'll say she can't seem to save.

She's not a stupid woman at all, but she's very sheltered from having lived at home all her life, and she doesn't seem to see there's a real financial worry here. DP's heart is in the right place but she is awful with money (we've just paid off the debts she had when we met). I don't know if I am borrowing trouble to be worried about this now, or if it's sensible to try to keep pushing the conversations so that maybe slowly SIL will start realising she needs to think about the future? I am worried that if she doesn't plan, we're going to end up with SIL in a panic because she's burned through any inheritance, can't find a home she likes, and expects us to solve it all.

OP posts:
Phbq · 16/08/2020 16:43

How old are SIL and BIL? (approx)

NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 16:44

Sorry, should have said. Mid 30s.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 16/08/2020 16:46

You paid off her debts?

Well that explains why she doesn't bother saving.

Stay out of her finances. Beak completely out. Don't discuss money. Don't try to be her financial advisor. Don't lend her money. Don't give her money. Don't let her live with you.

In other words, start treating her like a normal adult sibling not like your idiot child.

NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 16:47

Oh, no, we've just paid of DP's debts! Not SIL's.

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 16/08/2020 16:47

Sorry but she is an adult, what had it got to do with you?
If in years to come she cannot afford the rental on a nice property that’s not really your problem. Thank you are way over invested here.

NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 16:50

I'd love to say it's not my problem, which is why DP is part of my worry.

I am worried that DP will feel responsible and will want to get involved.

And frankly, I am also worried because it seems to me that SIL could end up in a really bad situation, which does concern me.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 16/08/2020 18:54

You say DP not DH and yet you write we've just paid of DP's debts

Why did you help pay off your boyfriend's pre-relationship debts?

NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 19:05

Well, you could equally say DP paid them off and I paid for other things - we have separate accounts (out of which the debt money came each month) but also a joint account. We have a child together, so a lot of expenses are joint, and the bottom line is that if DP hadn't had that debt we would have been jointly better off. We've both had periods not working and looking after DD, so we've both been in the position of depending on the other, but my point is that I wouldn't take DP as a good example of being careful with money.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 16/08/2020 19:08

Have you had this conversation with dp? Is he aware of your concerns, and that you don’t want him to give her money.

NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 19:11

She's aware I'm concerned; I've not said 'we shouldn't give SIL money ever' because I don't know if I actually feel like that. I wouldn't, for example, ever mind giving a sibling a loan short term - my siblings would do that for me and I'd do it for them, and DP knows that.

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 16/08/2020 19:12

@Standrewsschool

Have you had this conversation with dp? Is he aware of your concerns, and that you don’t want him to give her money.
If they’re not married it won’t be the OP’s money being given to the SIL. This is one of the few occasions when not being married could be an advantage! He can give away as much of his own money as he likes, but the OP doesn’t have to give hers away.
NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 19:16

@MaskingForIt, to an extent this is a reason why we're not married, but it still bothers me because the bottom line is that if DP has less money overall, we're worse off as a family. Plus I don't actually want to be in a situation where we're having a big disagreement over money and it would be much harder to have that disagreement if SIL were already struggling, rather than now, when she isn't.

OP posts:
nanbread · 16/08/2020 19:22

I think people are making assumptions that the OP's DP is male, hence the confusion over whose debt was paid...

You need to carefully speak to DP and agreed on some ground rules on how much your DP is willing to bail SIL out.

This may affect your child, who you are jointly responsible for, so it's understandable why you're concerned.

At the same time I'd hate to see a family member struggle and would certainly do what I could to help - but there's a point when that becomes enabling.

NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 19:24

DP's a woman; that's why I said 'she'. I'm sorry that line of the OP was confusing.

And yes, I am worried about that line between reasonable help and enabling. SIL will struggle a lot when her parents die - she's incredibly close to her mother and really doesn't cope well alone. We'll all feel awful for her. It's just that would be the absolute worst time to start trying to argue over financial help (IMO). And I therefore don't know if I'm wrong to be irritated/concerned that both SIL and, to a lesser extent, DP, seem to want to hide their heads in the sand about it all.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 16/08/2020 19:30

I can see why it could be a problem; I think you need to agree with your DP what is reasonable eg. lending her the deposit for a room in a shared house is if she were to need it but not subsidising her rent. It’s fair to encourage sil to start thinking about it but be careful not to go on about it too much as otherwise she’ll just withdraw from you. It may be that she has to find out what she can afford the hard way

NaggingWorries · 16/08/2020 19:34

That makes sense, @user1493413286.

I definitely don't want to say too much and make her withdraw. At the same time I think, because she's always lived at home, she has the idea that there's always going to be someone to turn to if things are tight on money - I could see her getting into a panic about money and not knowing how to deal with it, and I both want her to feel able to talk about it to us before it gets critical, and not to see us as a resource to bail her out.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 16/08/2020 21:53

Could her parents talk to her about it? Or the brother? I am thinking they might see the problem too and help give her a push to move out at the same time as brother. Maybe DP could encourage her parents to look for a swap to a smaller place. This could give SIL the time to come to terms with having to move out while she's not having to deal with bereavement or a very ill parent at the same time.

NaggingWorries · 17/08/2020 09:17

That's a good idea about talking to her brother - he'd have a vested interest too, I guess. We've never got anywhere with her parents because her dad just won't think about the future and her mum would be horrified at the idea we wouldn't instantly decide to protect SIL and help her out financially (she's never managed her own money and won't believe that we're not so rich we can afford anything we like).

DP is working on her parents about moving - but I think chances are SIL would move with them as a carer, so in a sense it wouldn't change anything except we'd know for sure if she could inherit the tenancy. That wouldn't be likely to make her realise she'd have to think about getting her own place in the end, though.

OP posts:
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