To feel so much hate for myself

[Navynoire]

I’m 33 year old, first time mum, baby born 7 months ago.

Prior to giving birth I was experiencing intrusive thoughts, these were really frightening and we’re in relation to my unborn babies health. I was becoming obsessed that something bad was going to happen during my pregnancy.

I started some CBT which really helped.

Baby was born, pandemic commenced and my anxiety spiralled.

I sought help and was diagnosed with Post Natal anxiety and OCD.

I’ve been having CBT now for 18 weeks, the therapy will end at 20.

I’ve learned some great techniques and whilst they have helped, I’m no where near back to normal.

I’m obsessed with Covid. Covid is everywhere. Everyone had Covid, Covid is on everything i touch, it lurks even where I go.

I’m trying my absolute best to get back to some sort of normality but it’s too hard.

My group of friends have all started to meet for coffees / lunches, but I don’t understand how I can go when rule is to maintain 2m?!
How can I sit 2m away and have lunch or coffee?

I’d be too paranoid to use cups, knives / forks in fear of Covid being on them.

I honestly hate myself. It may sound dramatic, but I absolutely hate hate hate myself for being like this
I’m so angry! I feel like I’m going to ruing my baby and husbands life living this way.

I’m so frightened something is going to happen to my baby or to me.

I’m currently taking steraline and I’d hoped this combined with CBT would make a massive difference. But it hasn’t.

The risk feels to big.

I just feel like I’m a huge failure and whilst everyone has gone back to normal, I’m sitting at home worrying I’ve touched a contaminated surface and going to die.

Why am I like this! 😔

Hi @Navynoire I am no expert, but what I've read on invasive thought type OCD lines up with what you are saying.
Maybe I'm taking a leap from such little info, but unfortunately this is how your brain works! (I have a work friend with this OCD that I base that on). So it's not unreasonable for you to think like this, but your thoughts are more extreme than the reality of the world.

Can your final sessions help with covid specifically?
Do you have a garden where you could invite friends to yours (spaced out and with your own crokery/cutlery?). Maybe a walk in the park or picnic instead? Something as a small start. It's not as scary out once you finally get out.

Sorry this isn't the best advice, hopefully others here on MN can help. It's a crap condition, but you seem sensible with it. Keep fighting!

I’ve been doing lots of garden meet ups, walks etc. But that’s my limit.
I really want to do more. I’m just too frightened.
I feel like this worst mum. 😔

@Navynoire you're keeping your baby safe, in my eyes that makes you a great mum!

What is it that you'd like to get out and do?

When I was a kid we didn't go out much. Money wasn't there and maybe there wasn't as much feeling that you 'had to' go out and do lots of activities. I'm 32 and my sister and I had happy childhoods. Don't put yourself down for not meeting the Instagram lifestyle, keeping yourself well is the best thing for your baby too. It sounds like you are doing everything right to me!

For reference: I've got 1st baby on the way and am worried about pnd. I get mild anxiety that's worse in winter. Low days happen, they are allowed, but each is a new day.

If your baby is fed, clean and healthy then with these struggles on top you are doing an even better job than average! I know it's not a competition, but you've been given a hard path- try to keep perspective of the important stuff

@Thack I just see other people being “normal” going to the pub, out for lunch / dinner. I just don’t feel like I’m ready to do any of that.

You need to keep going with the therapy and cbt.

You can crack it, don't hate yourself your doing an ace job by looking after your little one.

Coffee and meet ups will be there in the future if you're not up for that now.

Hi Navy, I'm also a mum with diagnosed OCD and I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

You are not a failure, not a bad mum and you shouldn't hate yourself.

Your mind is actually highly sensitive, concerned for others and empathetic. That is why OCD affects you the way it does. You have much to be proud of and much to look forward to.

You absolutely must tell your therapist you are feeling like this. Its really good that you recognise that your feelings are not normal, but you need some help to manage these feelings.

You dont have to go anywhere or do anything you dont want to, but i think you are doing better than you think you are, purely because you DO seem to want to do some of these things.

@Emeeno1 OCD is the worst 😔

It’s the constant doubt and the over estimation of danger that’s so hard.

You are so right, it is the worst. I have awful intrusive thoughts that I couldn't even write here because people do not understand.

But you know what, I know that going through this makes me understand what so many others are going through. We need so much to understand each other.

Today may be bad but tomorrow might be brighter.

If you like reading (or have the time right now!) there is a really good book called The Imp of the Mind I found helpful.

www.amazon.co.uk/Imp-Mind-Exploring-Epidemic-Obsessive/dp/0452283078?tag=mumsnetforu03-21#:~:text=In%20The%20Imp%20of%20the%20Mind%2C%20a%20leading,new%20advances%20in%20brain%20technology%20to%20pervasive%20

@Navynoire my ocd started after I had dd1 who is now 14. I tried to ignore it all these years and now since lockdown it has taken more and more control over me. I have only just started therapy now all these years later so I think you have done really well getting the help early on as I wish I did. See if the therapy can be extended so you can get more sessions.

I agree ocd is horrendous.

You are not a bad mum in any way shape or form. You love your baby and you want to protect them. You also recognise your thoughts aren’t helpful, that’s a big plus. Please explain how you are feeling to your CBT practitioner, I also urge you to return to your GP and explain that you feel you need further support and you’d like to review your medication. You may need a higher dose or you may need to try a different type of medication. It’s ok to push for more help. You’re doing a brilliant job arranging garden meet ups and it’s admirable that you want to keep moving forward. You’re honestly being extremely brave. Mental health conditions are exhausting and scary but you can overcome this with the right help. Be as kind to yourself as you can and congratulate yourself for trying to manage your fears, it’s something to be extremely proud of.

@OfTheNight Thank you. I just wish I could do more. I want to be brave for my baby.
I just feel so frustrated with how scared I am.