Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Avoiding kissing DH

21 replies

Soyoucantfigureouttherealme · 16/08/2020 12:02

Name change.

I don’t know whether this is an age thing but in the last year and a half I’ve been kissing my DH less and less. Mostly during intercourse. In truth I’m aiming to stop kissing at all when we are being intimate.

The reason for this is because somewhere in the last 2 years he’s began washing machine kissing me.

I wonder if this is normal? Is anyone else dealing with this? How do I tell him without making him feel insecure about it?

Recently, when we kiss, I find that he empties his saliva into my mouth. There was one night I was so annoyed and disgusted I pushed it all back into his mouth.

Often when we kiss when being intimate I find myself wiping my lips and face every three or four kisses. It interrupts the swing of things.

When I shower after we are done, my face is often very dry. From where he has slobbered all over me.

It’s driving me nuts and it’s the reason why I’m avoiding being intimate with him. I’ll make up as many excuses as I can to avoid being intimate because of this issue.

As I wrote this, I realise, when I met him he never used to kiss using tongues and I did. Actually in the last two years he’s begun using tongues and I’ve switched to not using tongues. Wow this is tmi . I apologise if you’re trying to eat lunch !

I don’t know what defines a good kisser but in my previous relationships I’ve always enjoyed kissing and never have had this issue. I have good saliva control. I’m thinking maybe he was never good with tongues and he’s now decided he likes it but has very little saliva control.

Sometimes after we are done, I excessively scrub my face in the shower to get rid of the feeling of the saliva being slobbered across my face.

It’s a huge turn off. It’s not sexy anymore. It just makes me shudder.

I apologise to anyone who has read this and now feels a bit ill.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 16/08/2020 12:05

Just be honest with him.

HeartZone · 16/08/2020 12:07

Sounds disgusting.
Have you talked to him about this and told him you don’t like it?
Does he respect you?

Pipandmum · 16/08/2020 12:09

Talk to him. Just say you don't really like what he is doing, in the same way you might ask him to touch you differently. Say it with love and kindness and encourage him to do it in a way you would enjoy more.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 16/08/2020 12:12

...just talk to him about it? Surely if you're able to have sex with him you should be able to discuss sex/kissing/intimacy etc

Sparticuscaticus · 16/08/2020 12:16

"DH I don't like how you've started kissing, please stop - you're forcing your tongue in my mouth too much, it's not gentle, sexy nor tentative, it's too much slobber and saliva wet all over my face and i can't bear it any longer"

Viola

Done

StrawberrySquash · 16/08/2020 12:16

Talk to him, not in a 'this is disgusting way' in a 'this is what I like' way.

maras2 · 16/08/2020 12:18

DH tried this ONCE 50 years ago.
I immediately pulled away saying WTF do you think you're doing?
Tactless I know but I was only 17 and really grossed out.
He said that he thought it would be sexy Envy (not envy).
I assured him that it was not and if he ever did it again it would be the last.
Anyway being honest worked and we've just celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary.
Just tell him.

HaudMaDug · 16/08/2020 12:52

I'd be more bothered about the fact he did not used to kiss like this. What's prompted his change of kissing style? Why does he think its sexy?
I would not be bothered about making him feel insecure if you are turned off by the fact he is slobbering all over your face.

Just tell him your skincare routine cannot cope with being drooled on.

Sunflowerlover20 · 16/08/2020 12:57

sorry reading your post made me feel physically sick!Envy

You need to nip that in the bud now how you have let in go on more then once I have no idea!

Why the sudden change?
Is he watching porn?

SadSack39 · 16/08/2020 13:01

I would just laugh and push him off and say 'hey too wet, too wet'.. sure he will get the hint

goodwinter · 16/08/2020 13:07

You need to tell him! Don't ruin your sex life/intimacy for the sake of avoiding an awkward conversation.

nicelyneurotic · 16/08/2020 13:09

Eurgh this sounds disgusting. Perhaps he finds it a turn on? It's strange he hasn't picked up on your discomfort. You need to be direct and tell him straight.

Soyoucantfigureouttherealme · 16/08/2020 13:12

Thank you for your advice.

You are correct in advising me to talk to him about it.

As I was reading your responses I was trying to think about why I haven’t done it already.

If I’m being honest with myself it’s probably because being intimate has a lot of meaning to him. It’s a big part of him and he’s always made sure he meets my needs and I’ve never had to tell him he’s done anything wrong. It’s always been really good and when he’s done something differently I’ve liked it.

It’s the first time I don’t like it and I’ve never been in a position where I’ve had to say ‘I really don’t like this’. And because I know how much care and effort he puts in, I feel bad. And that’s entirely my feeling.

I don’t think it’s a sudden change, I think maybe it’s one of the new things he’s done and because I didn’t say ‘please don’t do that it’s not working for me’ he assumed I liked it.

I also think it stems from the fact that I once very long ago said I liked tongues and he said he’s never kissed like that. And then perhaps he’s run out of new ideas and that’s one he’s tried later on. Only to discover he’s not very good at it.

Though I do appreciate your concern regarding why would he change?! He works from home and barely leaves the house and anything that makes him leave the house he thinks is an inconvenience because he’s mostly buried in work. I don’t doubt our relationship at all. He’s a good father and a good partner. He tries his best.

You’ve all given me good advice and I’m glad I asked.

So thank you.

@Sunflowerlover20 I can only apologise ! Grin

OP posts:
Soyoucantfigureouttherealme · 16/08/2020 13:18

@HaudMaDug my skin care routine can’t cope with it, you’re absolutely right. If he slobbers on me I have to cleanse and moisturise my face again to prevent irritation otherwise I itch throughout the night.

OP posts:
goodwinter · 16/08/2020 13:33

Aw OP, if he's as thoughtful and attentive as you say, he'll want to make sure you're enjoying things as much as he is :)

Sparticuscaticus · 16/08/2020 18:26

Hmmmm
I would tell him it's too much. Just as I suggested. You are a long time married hopefully and if I or my partner did something that grossed the other out, I or he would want to know straight away especially if it was something as innocuous as changing kissing style . It doesn't matter how you say it, as long as you DO say it. The longer you leave it, the worse it gets.

Bumbrella · 16/08/2020 19:02

I felt sick reading that.

ILoveFood87 · 16/08/2020 21:13

Omg this sounds disgusting.

ClareBlue · 17/08/2020 00:00

At least he is still trying new things which has to be positive. Best to say you don't really like that during the kissing, but then 'but I do like that' and direct to something that he does that you do like. Then no fragile egos are in danger.

NameChange84 · 17/08/2020 00:08

How long have you been together and how did it start - out of the blue? Any other changes in your relationship?

New kissing style and “buried in work“ is a bit of a red flag for me. When my Dad had an affair, I just remember my Mum saying, “I should’ve known, he’d started kissing me differently. In all those years, he’d never kissed that way before, it was horrible.”

If no concerns, then just say, “DH, I love it when you kiss me like this.” and show him
how you want him to kiss you rather than telling him. Avoids being misconstrued and him going too far the other way from no tongue to washing machine!

Soyoucantfigureouttherealme · 17/08/2020 17:23

Apologies to @Bumbrella and @ILoveFood87 Grin

@ClareBlue you’re right . That’s a better way of putting it. Draws More attention to the good.

@NameChange84 I’m sorry to hear about your mum. Is she okay now? Is she in a happy place?

In answer to your question, it’s been 10 years and I can’t begin to explain to you how he really doesn’t have the time for anything else.

If I break it down, he usually works from home from 7am- 6pm and in between he comes downstairs to eat. Usually if he leaves the house it’s to take the kids out or to meet the accountant, business partner or get a hair cut (I know it’s a haircut because he comes back and his hair is shorter than when he left)

I manage his calendar; I work for him so the appts are booked in by me. I liaise with the people he meets for business and there are always email follow ups. Like I said previously, I don’t doubt him, he’s focused on life and work. Which is what drew me to him. He’s very serious but in a way that brought me comfort made me feel safe and secure.

He does go to the gym but again he found it annoyingly time consuming so he bought the equipment to train at home instead of having to go out. His words were ‘it takes 30 mins there and back which equals to an hour each day! That’s 5 hours of work each week I can be doing!’ (He really loves working, he’s passionate about his work)

When he goes out for activities, it’s either with his brother or dad. His best friend visits once or twice a year but he usually comes and says hello to me and the kids.

And to finish that off, he pretty much wants to be intimate everyday. And if for some reason he isn’t, I know it’s because he’s helped himself at some point because I’m too tired or avoiding him Grin I would think if there is someone else involved he would keep his phone to himself and not want to be intimate as much.
More often than not, the kids have his phone.

And we spend Saturday together with kids work free. And Sunday he takes the kids out to visit all family members.

Thank you for encouraging me to break that all down. I realise I’m the problem and not him!

I also acknowledge we sound very boring. Not spontaneous at all.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page