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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To fall out with my parents over their parenting choices.

14 replies

user1487755366 · 16/08/2020 11:06

My parents are 1st generation immigrants from a very 'traditional' and 'strict' culture when it comes to discipline and academics. There's a large age gap between my brother and me - I am married, independent and have chosen to live around 300 miles away but still maintain good relations. My brother is 15, almost 16. They are extremely pushy when it comes to academics and restrictions on what he can and can't do and I really believe it's starting to affect his mental health. When I saw him recently, he was withdrawn and clearly unhappy. My mother sets him daily 'extra' school work throughout the summer holidays and rants to me about how he spends far too long in front of his games console. I think he uses this as a form of escapism as he is generally quite unhappy. I've suggested to him that he tries to diversify his hobbies, meets up with a friend etc. but they live quite far from a lot of his peers and the current situation means public transport should be avoided. He is about to go into year 11 and they parents (especially mum) both totally lost the plot on how crucial the year is and how much work he needs to do. I have challenged this countless times, reminded them about how good is grades are and how their pushiness is making him unhappy and it's all fallen on deaf ears. Today he texted me, clearly extremely unhappy and angry and I can't bear to watch this happening. It's literally like history repeating itself and, after I left home (at the earliest opportunity), I spent years of having counselling trying to get over the stressful parts of my childhood. I really think he is depressed and it really pains me that I can't help. I'm running out of ideas - does anyone have any suggestions? WIBU to turn this into a full on family fight (I simply don't think it would work and it might make it work) or do I need to just gently be there as remote support and encourage him to move out and get some independence as soon as he can, move out for uni etc.

I'll say as well, they both love him dearly (no doubts there)and his basic needs are more than being met, he obviously doesn't drive yet but will start learning as soon as he can and performs extremely well at school.
I feel guilty and almost selfish for 'getting out' but I had to do it to save my mental health and I would be encouraging him to do the same but that's 2 years down the line...

OP posts:

Beamur · 16/08/2020 11:11

YANBU but anything you say, will it have any real effect? Your brother has something you didn't have, he has you - your love, support and understanding. He's not alone.
It's so hard at the moment, with the restrictions on travel and so on and your parents obviously hugely value academic success.
Do they back off once he has done the extra work?

TidyDancer · 16/08/2020 11:11

Can you have him with you for a week before school starts back? Sounds like he needs a break. Your parents do sound awful tbh.

Julmust · 16/08/2020 11:14

Good idea about the break with you. It must have been even harder for him than usual without the release of school and having them cracking the whip 24/7 under lockdown

mbosnz · 16/08/2020 11:15

Do your parents know how much their pushiness, and unbalanced focus on academics to the detriment of mental health impacted upon you? Would you be able to have a conversation with one or both of your parents about this, and say that you are very worried that you are seeing the same negative impacts on your brother?

With my daughters, we're very clear that mental and physical health are extremely important in attaining your best possible grades, and that these have to be focused on as the foundation stones for academic achievement.

Original poster

user1487755366 · 16/08/2020 11:16

@TidyDancer

Can you have him with you for a week before school starts back? Sounds like he needs a break. Your parents do sound awful tbh.

I'd like that and have offered many times (he's been up before and they were all here last week) but now with Covid things are harder. I don't want him getting a train all that way and I can't go and get him. No way of getting here without at least one of them which is not what I want.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1487755366 · 16/08/2020 11:26

@mbosnz

Do your parents know how much their pushiness, and unbalanced focus on academics to the detriment of mental health impacted upon you? Would you be able to have a conversation with one or both of your parents about this, and say that you are very worried that you are seeing the same negative impacts on your brother? With my daughters, we're very clear that mental and physical health are extremely important in attaining your best possible grades, and that these have to be focused on as the foundation stones for academic achievement.

I have sincerely tried but it's fallen on deaf ears. It's plain as day to me that this is hindering rather than helping him.

OP posts:

Odile13 · 16/08/2020 11:27

Could you talk to your brother privately about all this? It sounds like he might appreciate somebody acknowledging how hard it is and how your parents mean well but aren’t going about it the right way. Tell him your experience and what you did. I would also try taking to your parents again but it sounds like they might not listen.

It must be a really tough situation to be in. You sound like a very caring sister.

WiseOwl69 · 16/08/2020 11:41

How far is the train to you? Is the issue the distance/changes or Covid?

If Covid I would make sure he had a mask, his own food I’d the journey is long, and get him on a train. Imo his mental health right now is more urgent than the Covid risk.

Flyingarcher · 16/08/2020 11:52

Is he being pushed into a particular career path too - Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer? When actually he wants to follow the arts or has little interest in sciences.? This can have such an impact on a young person.

Flyingarcher · 16/08/2020 11:58

I think your parents will be very concerned that he has been out of school for so long so probs that is exacerbating the emphasis on academics. In my experience, mental health issues are seldom understood because from their background, they had to tough it out, work incredibly hard and it is something not in their realms of experience. I have found with similar parents, the way to go is to emphasise the impact on poor wellbeing with academic outcomes. Sometimes another member of their community who is regarded as successful or an expert, can also help be a voice of reason.

Pythonesque · 16/08/2020 11:59

My youngest is his age. I'd agree with getting him to take the train, good to foster his independence. Unless you yourself are at higher risk I think it's manageable and will do him good.

Coi planning to sit down with mine this afternoon to discuss a revision timetable, but when I mentioned it last night he said thanks.

MinnieMousse · 16/08/2020 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinnieMousse · 16/08/2020 12:09

Sorry, totally wrong thread!

Original poster

user1487755366 · 16/08/2020 12:12

@Pythonesque

My youngest is his age. I'd agree with getting him to take the train, good to foster his independence. Unless you yourself are at higher risk I think it's manageable and will do him good.

Coi planning to sit down with mine this afternoon to discuss a revision timetable, but when I mentioned it last night he said thanks.

Thank you for the responses. Unfortunately I am at higher risk so train isn't an option. I also think it might just be a short term fix.

OP posts:

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