To think that parents can help siblings to get along?

[rachll]

Inspired by another thread about siblings not liking each other, what do you think helps/ encourages siblings to have a good relationship?

Myself and my husband are both only children, so the sibling dynamic is a bit of a mystery to us, but we want our 2 children to get along well!

So, if you have siblings, do you get along?What did your parents do to help you get along with your siblings? Or did they do anything that hindered your relationship? e.g. favouritism, not enough 1 on 1 time etc.

YABU: there's nothing parents can do- it's down to personalities

YANBU: parents can help develop sibling relationships

I think it can be the way people deal with thing but my older two don’t get on no matter what I’ve done to help them to. They just have nothing in common

It’s a mixture of personalities and parenting imo, some children never get on despite being raised the same and having no reason to despise each other. Other children get on great with nothing contributing to that.
My two get on really well, they have the occasional argument but they’re heading into teen years so it’s possible it could all change. I like to think raising them equally and together helped form their strong bond. I have never been close to my siblings and I blame that on parenting, not being raised together despite living in the same house, favouritism and not having anything in common with each other.
All I can advise is don’t force it, children bond in their own way all you can do is encourage playtime together as they grow and similar hobbies and let it develop naturally.

I have 3 and we all get along despite being very different. It's always been our mother's focus that we get along. Growing up we weren't allowed to 'tell tales' on each other and she'd always step in if we were arguing and struggling to resolve things and help us make peace. She'd also encourage us to be supportive of each other and celebrate each others achievements and be there when times were tough. Kindness to each other was always priority.

As adults I had a falling out with one sibling. She spoke to that sibling and encouraged them to meet with me to resolve this issue and we did and we moved past it. So even as adults she steps in if needed (although that's the only time I can think of).

A few 'big' things have happened to us individually over the years and she'll encourage us to lean on each other during these tough times and we do and it helps.

So yeah, we get on but I think a lot of that has been helped by the ongoing encouragement we received when we were young and even now as adults from our mother. I'm confident that when she dies, we'll continue as we are because it's instilled in us now. It's quite comforting knowing I'll have them even when she's not around which I think was her 'plan' all along:

For us, we've always been rigorously careful never to compare the girls, favourably or otherwise, to each other, and do not allow others to do so either. We had firm words with their tutor when he did.

We encouraged them to look out for each other, to be positive about each other, and facilitated them doing things they enjoyed doing, together. They are fiercely protective of each other.

As a family, we've been through some reasonably difficult times. When we relocated, the only person around their age group that they knew, could rely on, and knew what they were going through and where they'd come from, was each other.

They can get on each other's wick, they're very different people in many ways, but the last time they had a real barney, was nearly three years ago. I'm so glad they have each other, and that they're friends and allies as well as sisters.

My parents favoured one of my brothers, allowing him to be a nasty, bullying, physically violent piece of shit to his siblings. None of us have anything to do with him.
So I think some properly shit parenting can help a shit relationship.

But amongst my other siblings, and talking to friends from large and small families - it’s all personality driven.

Don't compare them to one another. That means one of them has to be the loser and sets up a competitive dynamic. Discourage them from comparing themselves.

Assuming that the arguments they have are fairly low-key and evenly matched, don't get involved. Tell then 'you can sort this out between yourselves' and let them get on with it.

Be a good role model. Let them see that you and your partner can disagree but still love one another. Show them how to apologise and compromise and move on. Do the same with friends and relatives. Be open that sometimes your mum or best mate or colleague really annoys you but you still like them and respect them and want them in your life.

And then hope for the best!!

Like theday said, there are probably siblings that won't get along whatever you do. But that's no reason not to try: there are all sorts of undesirable things that could happen to your children and that do happen to some children; doesn't mean you don't try to avoid them.

I was one of 4 and as a child got on noticeably better with my younger siblings than my eldest, but we are all on excellent terms as adults and have many shared happy memories- I think that counts as a success.

Some things our parents did:

Never showed favouritism. My mother has often said "My favourite child is the one I happen to be thinking of at the moment"- and we believe her!

Give to each according to their needs- there wasn't any anxious reckoning "if you've spent x amount of db's violin lessons you've got to give me the same at once"- but the reason there wasn't was because we trusted them to even it out over time.

Not permit physical fighting. Every single fight broken up with the simple motivation that we have certain standards of behaviour in this household: you're not allowed to fight any more than you're allowed to put your feet up at the dining table. Fights broken up, sent to separate rooms, whatever it took, just not allowed. This avoided the resentment that arises if a physically weaker child is frequently hurt by a stronger one.

Insist on certain standards of speaking to each other- no name-calling, no insults, no goading. In fact, I think they could have been a bit stricter with me on this score as I was a precocious little brat and always trying to outshine my older brother.

Shared memories. We had outings together, picnics, we travelled a bit, we joined in with things like baking and DIY. What my parents got really right imo is that they wouldn't let one sulking child spoil everybody's fun- they ploughed on regardless and showed as little resentment as possible. It took the power away from the sulking one.

We are very different people- two of us academic, two not, different personalities, different paths in life, but those shared memories and skills give us something to talk about.

Also, shared memories can be used for bonding: making disasters into a funny story for the family to share and bring up again. Don't be afraid to tell a story against yourself- it shows confidence, which is not a bad thing. And a silly story handed down through generations reinforces that however different we are, we belong together.

I noticed with my ILs too, how good they were at using shared memories- not least funny stories about when things went wrong- to reinforce bonding between their adult children.

The mistake, I think, is when you make a very conscious effort (and spend lots of money) on Creating Perfect Memories, days when nothing must go wrong, and everybody must be in a good mood, and nobody must get cross or be starting a cold or spill their coffee on their best outfit. The good shared memories, the ones that help to bond, are when you're hiding from the rain under a coat that has to stretch over four people, or when mum sits on the ice-cream, or you miss the bus and have to have an improvised singsong while you wait an hour at the bus stop.

My nieces and nephew are now in their thirties but they still talk fondly of the time when we had to wait for an hour for the boat from the Isle of Wight and dh and I did an improvised fairy-tale session with all the facial expressions and gestures. Over the years, this has settled into a ritual formulaic retelling which ends triumphantly with the last person leaving the bar on the boat as dh falls into the boiling cauldron.

Some stories are so good they end up being handed down through generations. Very often they are the ones about disasters or silliness (greatgreatgranddad helpfully offering to post a parcel for the maid only to discover he had posted off his own silver spoons, grandma cheeking an aunt, dad being carted round the neighbourhood as a Guy by his big brother on 5 November). What they do is reinforce the feeling that however unlike me those people are, we belong together, there is a connection. And that can help with sibling bonding too. The point again is, don't make it tedious stories about how clever and admirable people were. Silly stories work.

From my perspective the only thing parents can do is reduce or remove anything that can cause resentment

Growing up one of my siblings had special needs (undiagnosed but damn obvious to anyone but my parents it seems) and he got all their attention

It caused so much resentment between me and my other sibling as we then had to fight for the tiny sliver of attention left.

Even our birthday parties we couldn't choose as my brother would have a melt down if he wasn't in full control. Every holiday had to be somewhere he wouldn't kick up a fuss, every day out was his choice for an easy life

Parents who can give both children equal attention will go far in keeping them close. Other than that there isn't much you can do

My now mid teen dds don’t seem to like each other much now, it’s been this way for about 18 months.
No arguments or shouting etc but just a dislike of each other’s company, one leaves the room if the other comes in (if it’s just the two of them), very strained questions asked from one to the other and only when they’re desperate for the answer and can’t find it out any other way.
It’s fucking exhausting to be honest and I don’t really know how to make it better.
They were very close growing up, were each other’s best friend.
Any advice would be welcome!

I try not to solve problems but encourage the girls to figure out a solution between themselves.

There was nothing my parents could do. We are just too different. I love him but I can't say we would have been friends if we weren't related. We literally have nothing in common save for genetics.

I think sometimes you just have to focus on them being civil and accepting they may not speak much as adults. It is good practice for people you may not get on with in work

One brother, favoured by mother when younger. We have absolutely nothing in common, don’t even look alike (definitely same father!) we don’t not get along but have no shared interests and probably only meet once a year socially. DH and me have DS and DD. When younger didn’t really get on even through teen years. Now live together (for 2 years although selling soon) and have actually holidayed together on their own! Have amazing relationship (not all the time) - sort of relationship I would’ve liked with my brother. It just seemed to happen tbh and at times I was concerned that their relationship would turn out like my mine with my brother.

It’s both. Parents can absolutely exacerbate any issues between siblings or cause bad feeling through, for example, favouritism, but personality does play a role too. My parents were (and still are) scrupulously fair with us when it came to things like time, money, encouragement and we don’t not get along as adults but all have very different personalities and senses of humour and aren’t friends.

My siblings are my best friends now and while we were close growing up we weren’t always great friends. I think allowing them to grow into their own people and having shared experiences is really important. We got much closer when we all grew up and could go out together and support each other in life issues. But that was from 20 onwards so don’t worry too much.

My boys get on well and are 7, 5 and 2. The 5 year old does have a very easy going personality so that has really helped as ds1 is the more dominant leader type. Ds2 is generally happy to do whatever ds1 is doing so I'm really grateful for that. Naturally however they do fall out and can Sometiems resent each other. I take the time to talk through the argument and try and show each other the other ones point of view with the emphasis on "feelings". E.g. ds2 doesn't like it when you do that as he feels scared/upset whatever..- it's about trying to get them to empathise with the other one. Also I try and grow I them a love for one another. E.g. isn't "ds3 so cute when he does that". Teaching them to thank each other and look each other in the eye when they speak!.. basically slowing down and taking the time to correct the way they speak to each other and relate to each other. This is more helpful in the long run than blaming one for hurting the other one (when there may have been provocation). It's better to work through these arguments and acknowledge everyone's feelings than just distract them onto something else as that doesn't solve the core problem. Also trying to get ds1 to realise he is a "role model" for his younger bros! And try and make that something he feels responsible and proud of.

Sibling on sibling abuse seems to have been shrugged off by a lot of parents in the past. It pretty much ruined my childhood and I don't speak to this sibling anymore.

I would say treating them equally is a huge factor, based on my own upbringing. My parents always showed absolute favouritism to “D”Sis and it’s caused a lot of resentment over the years. Even now as adults it still goes on.

I asked my mum if I could put her as a named driver on my car insurance a few years ago when I learned to drive as it would save me £800ish. She said absolutely not, I would crash and her premiums would go up, etc. My sister learnt to drive recently and my mum was falling over herself offering to be on the car insurance and save her some money. (My sister earns twice my salary.) This is a small petty example but I could list dozens more.

It depends what you mean by "get along." You can certainly parent them to be kind to each other, and be respectful and considerate to each other (and everyone else.) But you can't make them be close, or good friends, or even to like each other if they have very different personalities.

Very interesting thread as I am an only child, and have 2 girls. Still young but really struggling in lockdown to be able to give them separate time -so they are resenting each other. But I don't have any childcare I can use at the moment so they both have to be with me all the time...
Once back at school (youngest just starting) I have said they need to each do 1 afterschool activity so that I can do something with just the other child... Counting down the days!!!

I think as children yes definitely parents can have a big effect

Dsis and I were always set as competitors. She was the pretty one and I was the smart one so i grew up thinking i was ugly and she grew up thinking she was stupid. Very much caused by my dm. Both regularly used to play favourites. Still do really but i am extremely LC and don't engage in it. Huge use of shaming , " your sister has done x y z why can't you do it"

What i would say is as an adult my dm tried many many times to get us to have a relationship but it always caused more harm. Before i checked out of the whole thing i would get requests to contact my dsis and it would always go to hell within a minute. Ultimately for us the damage is done. My dm was so desperately needy that whenever we seemed like we were getting on she couldn't bear not being a part of it and would torpedo it in one way or another. She absolutely had to be the centre of things. Now i just choose not to ever engage with my dsis and dm has been told not to push it , not to interfere and finally at 72 has realised that if she does i will walk away from everything , I've had to do it before so she knows i will. She briefly tried it a month ago by mentioning it upset her and I just said No and changed the subject. I have no sympathy , she started it all (although in all fairness i can't blame her for anything since we became adults ...we make our own choices) so she can't winge about it later.

My DC are young and get on very well now but I realise that may not last. They are treated equally (not the same as at 7 and 4 they can't be treated the same we have taught them the difference between equal and the same) , I refuse to use shaming in any part of my parenting. As they get older the goal is to basically stay out of their relationship and not play games.

Thank you for all your advice. We are trying to treat our 2 children equally, not compare and spend family time as well as individual time. Thanks also to the person who mentioned not forcing things too much.
Any further advice is much appreciated!