I’m sat in my bed trying not to cry and I just need to vent to strangers who will hopefully not judge me. Even if nobody reads it, maybe it will just be okay to get it off my chest.
I’m lucky that I have parents who are alive and a mum who I am very close to. I really have nothing to be upset about when it comes to that. I have a gorgeous baby and a wonderful partner. I am so lucky. But I can’t help but feel I’ve been dealt with so many unfortunate things during my life. I’m 25.
My parents split up when I was six. I didn’t care, and I still don’t. My dad took the house and my mum, my sister and I stayed in a big place for homeless families for a year, where we had a one bedroom flat. It was very small and my sister and I shared the double bed while my mum had the sofa. It was okay. I experienced psychosis when I was four. I would see things and believe there was a monster watching me. I remember jumping down the stairs and hurting myself because I saw something chasing me.
I made friends in the flats, it was kind of fun being in our own little club where we all basically lived together. We finally got a council house after something happened with an older boy. I don’t know if it counts as sexual assault because I wasn’t touched, and I don’t want to invalidate real victims. But I was six and he was a teenager and he made me pull down my underwear to show myself to him and then took out his penis and I ran back to the flat crying. After social services got involved we were allowed to move.
My mum then got into an abusive relationship with a man who would beat the sh*t out of her. I never saw it but when she finally left it was scary when he turned up to our house at 3am and broke the door down.
I’m lucky in that I now have a great step dad. My dad moved away four hours away when I was 12. I didn’t see him again until I was 22. He had a new family and it was like I’d been forgotten. It hurt.
I had bulimia throughout my teens because I hated my body. When I was young and my parents were still together my dad would tell me I was fat.
When I was sixteen I got sick and developed bacterial pneumonia because vomit got caught in my chest. My lung collapsed and I was in ICU for three weeks on oxygen and with a chest drain draining fluid out of my lung.
I lost most of my friends after that and failed my A Levels because I had to spend so long recovering.
I got into a relationship when I was 17 and was so in love. I found out he had been talking to about 6 other girls behind my back a year in but still stayed. He ruined me financially and refused to be intimate with me. It got to the point where I just stopped trying. We stopped having sex completely and he cheated on me and left me for a girl at work. After six years of supporting him and being left with nothing. I know, it’s my fault.
I think the hardest part of my life was the fact I got sick when I was 18. I had lost an excessive amount of weight and I was bleeding from my rectum and constipated. I went to the doctor multiple times and was fobbed off. I then got extremely sick and went to A&E three times and got sent home. Finally I went to another doctor who suspected I had appendicitis as my stomach was in agony. The hospital finally took me seriously as my temperature and heart rate were high and I had my appendix removed. Instead of getting better I deteriorated. I had constant diarrhoea, around 40 times a day. I was delirious and I was on maximum pain relief. I’ve blocked most of it out because it has traumatised me. But I was lying in the bed and a popping started coming from my stomach and I thought I was going to die. I was rushed down to theatre and had my colon removed and I was given a stoma bag. The day after my operation I lost my job.
I had a stoma bag for nearly a year and then had a reversal. I now suffer with incontinence, can’t work away from home, use the toilet around 15 times a day, cannot hold it for longer than a few minutes, am constantly in pain and bleeding. Sometimes I’ll be on the toilet and throw up from the pain.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar, BPD and ocd. The ocd is hell and it is consuming me. The thoughts are so loud.
I am in so much debt from my last relationship and now I’m going to be moving in with my partner’s parents because the stress of worrying about money is making me worse.
I love my DS so much but always feel like I’m failing.
I’ve got fat and I hate my body. I’m on so much medication and find it impossible to lose. Sometimes I wish I was really ill again, like before I had my bag because I was so skinny.
I don’t know. Everything is just going on in my head and it’s clouded.
I’m sorry and I know I probably sound like I’m being spoilt and dramatic because there are literally people dying right now but I just have so much in my head