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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset he hasn't been in touch?

24 replies

Maria53 · 15/08/2020 21:57

I became friends with someone through a mutual hobby about a year ago. From the start I had a gut feeling that he liked me and he was so attentive I started to like him a lot as well. But he was also very shy and took a while to open up. Eventually I thought the chemistry was rare for me and he was kind and attentive so I wanted to ask him out.

About a week before lockdown I asked him out and he said yes (cue sigh of relief). We had made a tentative plan of drinks and a concert, but then the concert was cancelled. Then everything was cancelled so it never happened.

We ended up talking nearly every day for about 2 months after lockdown until we just ran out of things to say. We still chat sometimes on the whatsapp group but that's it.

I got some bad news this week, which the group knows about. Most of them have been in touch to ask how I am/express concern but I have heard nothing from him. AIBU to be upset? I realise we hadnt blossomed into anything yet but I thought he cared about me and had thought we might eventually get to go on that date.

OP posts:

MrsPerfect12 · 15/08/2020 22:01

He maybe doesn't know what to say, or worries that you'd take it as not his place.
It's a tough one

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/08/2020 22:04

@MrsPerfect12 I can imagine him over thinking it. He is usually very thoughtful so I was surprised that our of the group he didnt bother. But it has made me think - would I want to go on a date now? Maybe the moment has passed anyway but I thought we might once things are a bit more normal.

But yes I do feel sad about it. It has been a bad week.

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/08/2020 22:11

It really depends on what the news is, but generally I would assume if someone wants my support they will contact me directly if we aren't established friends.

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/08/2020 22:16

I thought we were established friends. So I'm questioning that now. I would never reach out to a friend for help personally, not sure if that is just me.

Maybe I just need to focus on the people that have been there for me. I just feel sad that he hasnt sent so much as 'hope you're ok' when the others did without hesitation.

OP posts:

Bhbunny · 15/08/2020 22:18

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as you’ve built some kind of platonic relationship where you would hope that a message would be sent. I know in my own group chats if I’ve not known someone too well I’ve still sent a message of “hope all is ok” kind of thing.

I wouldn’t put any other expectations on him though as you have only spoken and not gone onto any dates, so whilst he should’ve offered concern I don’t think too much else could be offered at this stage.

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/08/2020 22:27

Thanks @Bhbunny. We havent been on dates yet but we did go out as a group (and always stayed closest to each other). As I say most of the others reached out.
I'm having coffee with one of them next week to take my mind off things.

I don't know if I would want to explore a romantic connection now is what I'm saying. I would have contacted him if the situations were reversed. Maybe I'm being harsh, dont know.

OP posts:

Procrastination4 · 15/08/2020 22:30

Are you sure that he knows? I turned off WhatsApp notifications a while ago as they were driving me nuts for a few days with constant pinging. I only realised this weekend that there was a great quantity of messages on it when I opened it to send a photo to someone.

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/08/2020 22:31

Yes he definitely knows about it. One friend told the others on a zoom chat a few nights ago.

OP posts:

Bhbunny · 15/08/2020 22:32

It’s so tricky because I feel it’s the decent thing to do whether there’s been potential for a closer relationship or not, it doesn’t cost anything to offer a few words and it does go a long way. I’ve done it myself where I have expected people to treat me by what I would do for others and it’s unfortunate when it doesn’t happen that way. He may just be giving you some space and may message separately to see how you are.

Im pleased that you’ve got support because whatever struggle you have at the moment it is important you have a network you can talk to when needed. Most important thing is to look after yourself! X

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/08/2020 22:46

@Bhbunny thanks.

Since receiving the news I feel my mental health has not been good. I hiked with friends later and it has not helped. Usually that would lift my spirits.

It just feels worse when the person I would liked to have heard from doesnt get in touch and people I consider myself not as close to have. I'm grateful to them obviously.

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PawPawNoodle · 15/08/2020 22:52

I'm sorry OP but I think you're a little harsh on him. You consider him to be a good friend and would like his support but you haven't told him this bad news yourself, instead he's heard it from someone else on a zoom call. If I hear news this way I dont tend to get in touch because it feels almost like gossip and on a 'thought you should know type basis, and would think that if they wanted me to get involved they'd have told me the news directly.

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/08/2020 23:06

Maybe I am being harsh. This is why I wanted to hear others perspectives.

I would never seek out a friend for help, unless it was my oldest/closest friend probably. I tend to go into a sort of cave to deal with it. I would generally think it is the right thing to reach out to people because most people who are struggling dont have the energy.

OP posts:

Twigletfairy · 15/08/2020 23:11

Perhaps he feels it's not his place to reach out to you if you haven't felt close enough to reach out to him as an individual? He may feel that because you didn't go directly to him with the news that you don't feel particularly close to him

NellieTeehan · 15/08/2020 23:12

How long is it since you stopped having daily one on one conversations and you felt things petered out? It might be that he’s having a similar reaction to you, eg ‘If we were proper friends who still had romantic potential she’d have messaged me privately, so she probably doesn’t want me to contact her and it would feel weird and cold to do it on the group chat.’

Or it may be that you were a potential romantic partner and then Covid wrecked that and he has no idea where or what you are too excited another now?

PawPawNoodle · 15/08/2020 23:12

@Maria53 I say this as someone who does exactly the same thing in terms of closing myself off so this may sound mean, but I assure you I don't mean it to be - its unfair to expect others to know what you need from them if you don't tell them, and if they think you have taken yourself away to deal with whats happened and are giving you space to do that (as they know this is how you cope) then you should not resent them for not being in touch. Its not a game of 'which of my friends cares the most' and it feels almost like you are trying to see who is the first to contact you and using that as a measure of who loves you the most.

Tinkity · 16/08/2020 00:24

I would never seek out a friend for help, unless it was my oldest/closest friend probably. I tend to go into a sort of cave to deal with it.

And he’s supposed to know this how exactly? You’re expecting him to be a mind reader. I also think you’re being a bit of hypocrite if I’m honest because on one hand, you didn’t feel close enough to PERSONALLY tell him what’s going on yet on the other hand, you’re now upset that he hasn’t PERSONALLY contacted you. It’s a bit reminiscent of game playing / testing people imo.

Also flip it around, maybe he’s sitting there thinking jeez, I thought we were getting close but she’s chosen not to tell me but has instead let me hear it from Bob - who she did confide in - so maybe we’re not as close as I thought or maybe she just doesn’t want to discuss it with me so I’ll give her space. I know if I was getting close to someone / on the verge of dating & they didn’t tell me something important but confided in others, I’d assume they had their reasons & would keep a respectful distance from the topic till they brought it up.

I would generally think it is the right thing to reach out to people because most people who are struggling dont have the energy.

You’re making a lot of assumptions here as to what “most people” “generally” want when it comes to bad / difficult situations - just because it’s what you would want, does not mean it’s right for someone else. As an example, I’m an introvert & I would absolutely HATE if someone got in contact like you’re expecting - if I want someone involved in something then I would confide in them personally & directly, if I don’t, then I would prefer they kept their nose out of my business even if they heard about it from someone else.

Neither approach is “wrong”, it’s just personal preference but it can make it difficult for others to know what to do in a situation. I tend to take my cue from the person involved so if they told me personally then I would assume they would want my input & I would of course check on them but if they didn’t & instead told others, I would assume they’re getting the support they need & leave it be.

OntheWaves40 · 16/08/2020 00:28

It sounds like it’s fizzled out before it’s began and he’s moved on.

Lotsalotsagiggles · 16/08/2020 00:29

Men don't think like we do, I'm sure if you dropped him a message and said hey stranger he would check if you were ok and ask then

Original poster

Maria53 · 16/08/2020 01:15

@OntheWaves40 I don't think he is dating anyone else. He was on a family trip as it was the first time he was able to see them all. Where I am things arent back to normal or close to it.

But yes I felt we were moving in a romantic direction and would have went on the date if this hadn't happened. I feel sad about it. I think it could reignite but he hasnt been in touch.

I think posts from PPs prove that everyone handles things differently. Maybe I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. However I think it is probably best if I try to date others when it seems safe to....as this feels like a non starter now.

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 16/08/2020 03:00

As you've said,it had petered out, so I'd guess he doesn't want to contact you in case you get the wrong idea & think something could develop.

Daph73 · 16/08/2020 03:30

I would consider this: conversations even with our closest friends have been limited and difficult through the past few months. The combination of stress and isolation can make our lives suddenly very boring. There’s just not as much to talk about. I’d try and move on with life for now, and if your paths cross again or he decides to initiate chat then take it from there. Perhaps have a laugh about how there’s not much new to talk about because of the lockdown and life being a bit crap right now. But keep things positive after that and look to the future in conversations once you’ve had a lighthearted moan. Good luck!

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 16/08/2020 07:41

Sorry the hear you are struggling @Maria53.

I think you’ve had some excellent advice. The only thing I can add is it would depend on the news and what has happened to you I would imagine too. If for example I heard in the grapevine that an acquaintance had suffered a close family death I would most definitely send my condolences. If the same person suffered a not so close bereavement or themselves or family member was ill, I wouldn’t. There are so many factors to this. I think you need to give yourself and him a break.

crimsonlake · 16/08/2020 09:42

Possibly I am wrong, but this whole thread sounds strangely familiar from a while back?

backseatcookers · 16/08/2020 12:36

Is it a walking group @Maria53?

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