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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling off a friends child

32 replies

GreatestShowUnicorn · 15/08/2020 21:44

Back story is I have a friend of about 7 years whose children’s behaviour (boy 12 and girl 9) is totally out of control she tried unsuccessfully to deal with it but struggles to maintain it and can’t stick to a strategy or a consequence. Spent tonight with them and had dinner, children’s behaviour through dinner was rude and lots of showing off (we are regular visitors so not the excitement or novelty) the eldest was even more badly behaved than usual over dinner. Made our excuses and left quickly after dinner eldest walked us to the car and I had a bit of a go at them about how bad their behaviour was and they laughed. I said no I wasn’t joking I was serious they were old enough to know better and should be mortified by their behaviour. Friend had stayed in the house tidying up so wasn’t their. I’m worried I’ve over stepped friend and I are very close but still worried she’ll be annoyed if DC tells her. I know I was probably being unreasonable for telling off someone else’s child but I do know them very well and they are old enough to know better.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 15/08/2020 21:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
GreatestShowUnicorn · 15/08/2020 21:50

Thanks she tries and I’ve tried to offer her help as I used to work with kids with challenging behaviour but she’s the kind of person to say something doesn’t work after trying it once.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 15/08/2020 21:53

I'm voting yabu, only because it feels sneaky saying it to the kid at the car when your friend isn't around and then shitting it the same kid tells on you Hmm but had you said it to the kid in front of the parent or to the parent in front of the kid I think that would have been fine but the way you handled it and now your reaction I think is a bit cowardly it something

Original poster
GreatestShowUnicorn · 15/08/2020 21:57

@CalmdownJanet it was spur of the moment I’d asked them a few times over dinner to stop throwing food, interrupting, shouting, etc.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 15/08/2020 21:57

Just tell your friend what happened. No big deal.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2020 21:59

I would have told them off, too. Sadly, they are brats because they've been raised to be. I had to end a friendship over this many years ago.

Castiel07 · 15/08/2020 21:59

I would tell her what you said, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if a close friend did the same but best to let her know.
She may be glad of some support.

Orchidflower1 · 15/08/2020 22:00

I voted yabu not because of what you said but as a pp said it seemed underhand and sneaky. Would you have said what you said in front of your friend?

Bhbunny · 15/08/2020 22:00

If you’ve friend finds it overwhelming I doubt she’d be offended as ultimately they need guidance from somewhere. Maybe just bring it upto her next time you talk.

Thelnebriati · 15/08/2020 22:02

Its nothing you wouldn't have done in front of her, and they are going to hear it at some point - possibly from someone that doesn't have their best interests at heart.
You could mention it to her. But if thats her attitude towards raising her own children, do you think the friendship will survive? You have very different core values.

Original poster
GreatestShowUnicorn · 15/08/2020 22:04

@Orchidflower1@Bhbunny I know, it was kind of on the spur of the moment friends bf was their he said he was glad someone had said something, when I said I hoped I hadn’t upset dc12.

OP posts:
Haworthia · 15/08/2020 22:06

I think at 12 he’s old enough to accept some home truths from you. Hopefully he’ll be too ashamed to tell his mother what you said, and will quietly mull it over. Worst case scenario is he goes crying to Mum and she kicks off but... hopefully it won’t come to that. I don’t think you overstepped a line personally.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 15/08/2020 22:06

Imo if her dc ruined YOUR night Yanbu to say so..

Original poster
GreatestShowUnicorn · 15/08/2020 22:07

DF May well have heard as kitchen window was open (which I knew) so yes I’d have said it in front of her.

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 15/08/2020 22:11

I actually wouldn't give a shiny shit if I upset the child or friend. You're friends doing them a total disservice by allowing her dc to be wee twats, I'd be thankful if someone told mine to buck up if they were being wee shits.

And fwiw I have no problem with any adult telling my dc off whether I'm there or not, I'd thank them

FloreanFortescue · 15/08/2020 22:15

I'm not sure if it makes a difference but my best friend's daughter is a challenge but she's also my godmother. I always grew up to believe that this role meant being part of that child's upbringing to a small extent. I wouldn't hesitate to have a little word with my god daughter if I felt she was spoiling an evening with her behaviour. I would have let my friend know that we'd spoken though.

ILoveFood87 · 15/08/2020 22:16

YANBU don't feel bad

cdtaylornats · 15/08/2020 22:25

I remember my son's 7 year old saying "Dad is he allowed to spank me". The answer was "All of our friends are if you misbehave".

FloreanFortescue · 15/08/2020 22:44

@FloreanFortescue

I'm not sure if it makes a difference but my best friend's daughter is a challenge but she's also my godmother. I always grew up to believe that this role meant being part of that child's upbringing to a small extent. I wouldn't hesitate to have a little word with my god daughter if I felt she was spoiling an evening with her behaviour. I would have let my friend know that we'd spoken though.
I obviously meant that she's my god daughter Hmm
TableFlowerss · 15/08/2020 22:44

I don’t think you should have without the consent of you friend.

Had she said ‘I feel overwhelmed etc’ and you said you’d have a word- as it does sometimes help coming from a different adult, that would be helpful.

I don’t think doing it off your own back is appropriate. Unless they were in danger or putting someone else in danger.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/08/2020 22:45

I think yanbu. Your friend might be annoyed, if so you could always explain that it was spontaneous as you were cross they spoiled things.
Bloody brats. I'd be mortified if mine through food at all, nevermind if someone came for dinner.

Bananabread8 · 15/08/2020 22:49

Like another poster said you should have spoke up inside the house at the table OP. I would mention it to your friend and just say you told her kids off. Good opportunity for her to give some kind of feedback too. How do the children behave at school normally?

eveningfalls · 15/08/2020 22:56

I do think you should have said it to your friend first or the very least in front of your friend. It is quite wrong to have the conversation as an adult with the child in question in a non-monitored way. For your own sake even as the child after been admonished by a non caregiver can twist it brutally if so inclined and also because it is not your place.

eveningfalls · 15/08/2020 22:57

It could be perceived as cowardly, in taking on the child and not the adult involved.

TokenGinger · 15/08/2020 23:01

YANBU. I expect my best friend to reprimand my child if he misbehaves, the same as I will with her child if he does.

My DS is only 1 so at the moment, it's just firm "no" etc., but I expect her to instil the same boundaries as I would when he's older. I do the same with her child. He's 12. If he's spoken out of turn to his mother in front of me, I've put him straight too.