SIL - how do I manage her?

[Showers3]

This actually isn’t a AIBU, so sorry that it may be on the wrong board, but I’d really value some advice and support...

I’ve always had a strained relationship with my (female heavy) ILs, whereby I’ve often felt rejected and excluded by them, with the exception of my FIL, who has always been very kind to me. For the sake of my DH, however, and particularly for the sake of my DC, I have kept on making an effort with them over the years and now have an ok-ish relationship with most them, which I feel proud of for the sake of those I love the most.

One clear exception to this though is one of my SILs - think narcissistic PD and that would be about accurate! In my opinion (and I think in the opinion of most family members actually), she is someone who can be very unkind, mean and spiteful at times. (The worst occasions of this were in the run up to our wedding and during my DCs christenings, whereby she caused several issues that were very upsetting and hurtful and which I and many others still remember painfully years on). She is someone who likes to be admired and appears to secretly take pleasure in other people’s downfalls. For example, she enjoys being a martyr to family members when they fall on hard times, but as soon as they are back on their feet, she seems to hate this and becomes unkind towards them again. My personal experience of her is that she acts as though she is humouring me in conversation, but is actually looking down on me and will enjoy bitching about me and belittling me to anyone who will listen as soon as my back is turned. This makes me feel like shit. I feel like she goes out of her way to make me in particular feel incredibly stupid when I’m with her by how she talks to and treats me in front of others (I’m actually a dr, so whilst I might not be Einstein, I do have some level of intelligence and don’t normally feel so rubbish about myself). To be honest, my sense is that she’s only ever nice to me when no one else is wanting to speak to her or if it would make someone else who she looks down on feel excluded by talking to me and leaving them out.

Anyhow, this has been going on for near on 20 years and I really feel that for my own mental health, I need to stop this affecting me the way it does. Going no contact really isn’t an option and I’m getting much better about not feeling nervous before seeing her, but I just don’t know how to be around her to protect myself emotionally without causing a scene. I’m normally my own worst enemy, as I start out every meeting being super nice to her only to have this played out, or by sending her nice texts between meetings, only for her to briefly reply and then ignore me or not reply at all. I feel like I’m coming across as desperate. In an ideal world, I’d have a good sisterly relationship with her, but she obviously does not want this, so what do I do?! TIA!

Oh heavens you have one life spend energy elsewhere

You do need to address your under confidence however

She sounds delightful 😬🙄!

Maybe next time she’s rude/a bitch you could say “Are you feeling ok, you sound really stressed, you going through a hard time that you want to talk about?” Might make her realise her behaviour isn’t rational!

Why exactly do you need to keep in contact with her?

There is no rules that you have to see your sil, or have any relationship with her. Just stop seeing her or go very very low contact and see her once a year for an hour, pref in a packed room with lots of other people to deflect the worst of it.

Don't waste any more time on someone like this! 20 years is long enough already!!

**are no rules

What did she do around the wedding christening?

Why can’t you go low contact?

I had something similar. I’m also sensitive and giving but these days I know my triggers and how to look after my own needs.

When I stopped making the effort (no texts, no giving personal information in conversations, no caring actions, lots of politeness, neutral persona, low attention) things got better. I treated her like someone new id met while waiting to pick the kids up from an activity. This also meant I was less invested in her and more engaged in other things that where happening around me. After about a year I genuinely started to feel less upset and started to see the funny side of any poor behaviour.

Someone else upthread has mentioned this but the technique to use with your SIL is called grey rock. You can look it up to get the full description.
She sounds like an attention seeker & this works perfectly by not feeding into the drama.
The upside of this is that after pretending not to give a damn, after a while you really don’t give a damn IYSWIM. It’s like giving yourself free therapy.

I don’t see any of my in-laws, that’s the best way.

Yes, grey rock. It really takes any enjoyment she gets at putting you down. She's loving feeling superior and that you react to it. So stop. And definitely stop the texts and anything else that you do to be kind and she doesn't reciprocate.

Don't fall over yourself to be super kind when you see her either. Be polite, she'll pick up on your shift. She'll either be nicer to you to draw you back in so she can stick the knife in again, or she'll ignore you.

Like a PP said, it isn't personal. She'd do this to whoever your DH married.

I suspect she utterly hates the fact that you are a doctor. No matter how much she tries to put you down and make out that you are stupid, she knows that other people won't buy it because you don't achieve that sort of qualification by being thick. So, rather than trying to appease her, you need to react at most as if you are humouring her and, if possible, are slightly sorry for her. She'll utterly hate it but, so long as you are polite but distant, won't be able to do anything convincing about t.

What do you do? Nothing. Why do you have to ‘do’ anything? Ignore her except to answer direct questions civilly. Don’t expend any energy on her whatsoever...she’s not your friend, she’s never going to be your friend and she’s easy to dismiss. She’s not your problem to do anything about.
Your dh has a silly bitch for a sister...so what?

Good luck x

I'm in the same position with my SIL and to an extent my MIL. They've not been actively rude or unkind for a few years (birth of DS seems to have given them a reason to keep me sweet!), but I know as soon as we leave the gossip and unpicking starts. Interaction with them is stilted and fake and causes me huge anxiety.

My strategy -

• Lean on DH, who completely agrees and will challenge shitty behaviour

• We keep them on an 'information diet' so they can't raise objections to our life decisions and bombard DH with calls objecting to routine decisions

• I remind myself whatever I say or do they will dislike, so there's no point worrying about it. They have decided I'm the evil woman who took DH away from them and that won't change.

Plenty of good advice!

It won't sound nice, but I'd cultivate a strong (self)-awareness of your superiority to her. Boost your ego (to yourself). Remind yourself that you're the good person, here, and she's the strange, inferior one.

You'll still be polite, as you would to anyone, but inside, you should always be aware that you're better than she is.

Her opinion means nothing and is of no value to you. Spend as little time interacting with her as possible. She's of no real consequence, though if course you're far too kind and cultured to dream of telling her that!

I’ve always suspected that most of this type of behaviour is rooted in jealousy. My DH has one sister. She’s always looked upon me with contempt and by her own choice has not met or cultivated any relationship with her niece and nephew. We stopped our efforts to invite her into our lives a number of years ago as our overtures were met with indifference initially and eventually abusive responses. I ran out of energy and motivation to address this any further. Eventually I grew to suspect that she had thought her Bro, (DH) was the geeky one who would live in her shadow as the girl about town with loads of friends. As it turned out he was a success in his own right, met and married me, and had a family if his own. She alienated everyone in the end and was disabused in her beliefs. You’ve tried, OP. You can’t do more. You don’t need your SILs distain in your life. Let her matter less to you.

Thank you all. I need to get real don’t I? (And resist the urge to get excited if grey rocking makes her nicer to me!) Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply. I’m sorry to hear that some of you are experiencing the same.

Let her stop speaking and leave a silence then sigh look her in the eyes and say are you ok ? You seem out of sorts it works every time then walk away and talk to someone else she’ll be gob smacked

Have you ever seen Larry David look at someone with his head on one side to see if they are telling the truth, and then nod and say "OK... OooKKK" before exit. Just a thought.
Seriously, she's a hopeless case and you are so so much better than that.
One thing that has weirdly helped act as a buffer is remembering that that this person is illustrating to me exactly how not to treat my DCs families when they are old enough to have them. With every awful action, I think to myself, I must make a note never to behave like that towards others. Surprisingly I've found this quite comforting and it does distract me from being wounded by their words. I suppose it works because it makes me more detached and more of an outside observer.

I have a relative who has kicked down (to me) and kissed up to all our other relatives for 30+ years and there is no solution.

The only thing is to not react. It is very frustrating though because like you say, a friendly closer relationship would have been my preference. For so long that was what I wanted but I realise now she's not worthy of my friendship.

After 20 years I’d go fairly LC, be friendly in person, stop messaging in between and walk away every time she’s being a dick.

My sister in law can be very awkward - she even attempted to get my now husband to back out of marrying me on the night before our wedding! I think he was supposed to leave me waiting at the church. I operate a low contact policy, but I've never articulated it as such. I never initiate contact, certainly never text her unless she has texted first. If DP suggests going round to visit, then I do and I am polite, but I never organise anything myself or remind DP to. It hasn't caused a fuss because I've never advertised what I do(or don't do to be more accurate!), but the end result is that we see her rarely which is fine by me.

Going no contact is always an option. Never allow other people dictate who you spend time with.

I completely get how this is making you feel. It's so hard to confront behaviour like this too, because it's so insidious. In my situation with my SIL, in the end I decided to go v low contact. I think this is the best option because it means that you can mentally (and, for the most part, physically) remove her from your life without the drama of a big family fall out or having to explain to other family members why you don't want to see her anymore.

Going forwards, try to mentally detach yourself from her as much as you can - delete and block from social media (if anyone notices this just say you're overhauling your SM account, deleting lots of people, it's nothing personal etc. And then avoid any gatherings that aren't completely necessary for you to attend if she's there. Make time to see other family members so that you are maintaining those relationships. And when you have no choice but to interact with her - gray rock all the way.

Good luck. I promise you, once she's out of your life, you will feel much happier.