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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tell me aibu - wanting a 4th

17 replies

Hattrix · 15/08/2020 16:17

Mid 30s with 3 kids. DS is disabled and will never live independently but we’re in a good place, except I cannot shake the feeling of wanting a 4th. My head tells my that’s crazy (although we’d be fine financially). But my heart can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve tried to reason with myself but everything I’ve read is about getting your freedom back and I won’t with having my DS...Please help me out and tell me AIBU to want another and why. I just want this feeling to go away!!
Not to dripfeed, no idea what DH thinks, just want to get my head sorted myself.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2020 16:18

Would it be fair on either DS or a new baby?

FTMF30 · 15/08/2020 16:19

What quality of care and attention could you give to 4 kids, bearing in mind one is disabled? Just because you can do something, it doesn't always mean you should.

How old are your DCs? What would the age gap be?

AwkwardAsAllGetout · 15/08/2020 16:26

This is me, right down to the ds. We had our 4th and it nearly broke us. The pregnancy was way harder than my others, in a way that I just couldn’t have predicted. It all felt very precarious anyway because we’d had several miscarriages first, but from about 22 weeks I suddenly lost a great deal of mobility due to a really sudden onset of SPD. I literally couldn’t move my leg forward to make myself walk, and I’m still suffering frequent pain 16 months after the birth. That was enormously hard. We then had a baby who just RAGED at the world for the first year, which again was not what I expected having already had 3 dc. She’s much better now but I really was pushed to breaking point. She wouldn’t be put down at all, and with the others that would have been no problem as I used a stretchy sling but I had no strength to wear her. I still can’t carry her and that makes me quite sad, silly as it is. Being stuck in lockdown has been very very hard. It’s made me realise how cushy it would have been with just the older ones. BUT she is wonderful and I wouldn’t wish her away. The other dc adore her which is some kind of miracle considering how difficult she was. But I’d forgotten just how relentless small dc are and there’s no end in sight for that anytime soon. I know I wouldn’t have listened to anyone urging caution, in most part I think because I felt the loss of our miscarriages so keenly, and really did feel someone was missing. I struggle with never being alone, with a dc with SEN in the house I really need time to just BE, and that’s gone right out of the window. Think how you’ll manage their medical and school appointments with a baby in tow. There’s some really great courses I’ve missed out on this year because taking a baby with me wasn’t an option. Good luck whatever you decide x

Hattrix · 15/08/2020 16:29

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Appreciate it

Annelovesgilbert - That’s the key question isn’t it? Part of me thinks better to have more siblings but also would be spread thinner.

FTMF30. DS is 6. Girls are 5 and 2.

OP posts:
Magicbabywaves · 15/08/2020 16:30

I’ve got three children the same age as yours (no disability). To be honest I think quit whilst you’re ahead. My third has really taken it out of me and I felt in top of it with two.

Bassettgirl · 15/08/2020 16:32

I felt the same about wanting 3. For years. In the end we decided not to (because DH was right, I could barely cope with two at times).

It is hard though, wanting more and deciding not to. Lots of people will just say go for it but it sounds like you are right to consider it carefully.

AllsortsofAwkward · 15/08/2020 16:35

I dont know what disability you're existing child but its sounds like they require alot of care as you stated they wouldn't be independent, what would happen if it happened again and you had another child who was disabled?

chipsandpeas · 15/08/2020 16:39

i think it would be extremely unfair on your existing children

frazzledmomof3 · 15/08/2020 16:41

Went from being well able with 2 to nearly crumbling with number 3. He screamed for the first year. Sometimes I think we have rose tinted glasses looking at having a new baby.

Hattrix · 15/08/2020 16:44

Thanks for all your replies, its really helping me think it all through. Any tips for stopping the longing if we don’t do it?

OP posts:
Pregnantandredundant · 15/08/2020 16:51

I’m one of four. None of my siblings are disabled, my mum didn’t need to work, we were very financially secure.

But my parents didn’t have time for me. They still don’t, and as a result we don’t have a good relationship. They also didn’t have the capacity psychologically, they were constantly stressed and lacking in patience. I think it was selfish of them to have a fourth that they couldn’t cope with.

I really don’t understand anyone who has so many children.

Gancanny · 15/08/2020 17:07

We have four DC, two of whom are disabled (one diagnosed before 4th DC and one diagnosed since). Our fourth DC was unplanned and I did consider ending the pregnancy as I had done with a pregnancy when DC3 was a baby but I decided not to.

In terms of the day to day parenting and meeting their needs, nothing phases me (or DH) because we've got the experience if having been through each stage several times already. We know the rough patches pass and it's just a case of powering through. We know what our red lines are, what are expectations are, and what works for us as a family.

Practicality-wise, it's expensive. All four needed new shoes for school and because their feet had grown so last week I bought school shoes, playing out shoes, and wellies for all four DC plus PE trainers for the oldest three - one hour later and I was £390 lighter. We go through near on a loaf of bread and four pints of milk a day. We're having a chippy tea tonight and it'll cost in the region of £30+. We need a three bed apartment or two hotel rooms when we go on holiday. I drive a seven seater car. People make judgements about how they must all be out of control, that they don't get enough attention, that we must not have a TV, that we must be religious, and so on.

We're not having any more, especially as there is a genetic element to my DS's disabilities and our chances of having another child with the same condition(s) are higher. Even if we didn't have that to contend with, four feels like our limit. It's manageable and enjoyable, I think five would tip us over into being stressed and tired which wouldn't be good for any of us.

FTMF30 · 15/08/2020 17:20

@Hattrix

Thanks for all your replies, its really helping me think it all through. Any tips for stopping the longing if we don’t do it?
Think of all the things you can manage/afford to do with 3 that you wouldn't be able to do with 4.

You will be getting some level of freedom sooner. Yes, one of your DC requires extra care, but it doesn't negate the fact the other two will grow older and more independent, leaving a lot less work to do.

Think of your children and the quality of their lives if you were to spread yourself even thinner.

Hattrix · 15/08/2020 19:41

AwkwardAsAllGetout Thank you for helping me feel less alone and for your insight. Some really relevant points in your post. Thank you.

OP posts:
Hattrix · 15/08/2020 19:42

@Gancanny

We have four DC, two of whom are disabled (one diagnosed before 4th DC and one diagnosed since). Our fourth DC was unplanned and I did consider ending the pregnancy as I had done with a pregnancy when DC3 was a baby but I decided not to.

In terms of the day to day parenting and meeting their needs, nothing phases me (or DH) because we've got the experience if having been through each stage several times already. We know the rough patches pass and it's just a case of powering through. We know what our red lines are, what are expectations are, and what works for us as a family.

Practicality-wise, it's expensive. All four needed new shoes for school and because their feet had grown so last week I bought school shoes, playing out shoes, and wellies for all four DC plus PE trainers for the oldest three - one hour later and I was £390 lighter. We go through near on a loaf of bread and four pints of milk a day. We're having a chippy tea tonight and it'll cost in the region of £30+. We need a three bed apartment or two hotel rooms when we go on holiday. I drive a seven seater car. People make judgements about how they must all be out of control, that they don't get enough attention, that we must not have a TV, that we must be religious, and so on.

We're not having any more, especially as there is a genetic element to my DS's disabilities and our chances of having another child with the same condition(s) are higher. Even if we didn't have that to contend with, four feels like our limit. It's manageable and enjoyable, I think five would tip us over into being stressed and tired which wouldn't be good for any of us.

Thank you for this. Good to get a bit of insight into the reality!
OP posts:
Hattrix · 15/08/2020 19:44

FTMF30 Thats really helpful, thank you. You are right about more freedom

OP posts:
rosiejaune · 15/08/2020 19:58

@Hattrix

Thanks for all your replies, its really helping me think it all through. Any tips for stopping the longing if we don’t do it?
Don't try to stop the longing. Treat it like a bereavement and allow yourself to grieve the 4th child you will never have,

I only have one and had to do this to come to terms with not having another.

And think about the environmental impact of having a 4th on your other 3; they already have to grow up in a world shaped by climate change; no need to make their lives even harder.

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