My friendships never develop

[Walkover3974]

Morning everyone.
Aibu to feel sad and frustrated that my friendships never develop?
Background...... Had many, many friends through school and college. Loved it!
Then went to my local university so still lived at home with my parents. This meant I didn't make any friends there. Only had 4 hours of lectures a week. Was a lonely time. My confidence dropped. Lost touch with all school friends and have never seem them since.
Started work in a call centre, made lots of aquaintences with lovely people but no real friendships. Bought first home with my partner.
Then had 2 kids during my 20s and became a sahm so lost the contact with work friends too. Went through a good 6/7 years of being friendless. Chatted to lots of people at playgroups etc but didn't go any further. I wasn't that bothered as time completely taken up with raising toddlers.

My kids are now 7 and 10 and life is much easier. Have been a sahm for 10 years. Friendless for 10 years.I thought I'd started to make some friends on the school yard, message quite often, have been out for drinks and meals with them. Have a laugh on the yard etc. Really started to feel I was making friends!
But the covid situation showed me just how lonely and isolated I had become as all contact dropped off. so when the rules allowed I started to make contact with the kids friends parents and arranged some outings and playdates. It's been great and done us the world of good!
But I've noticed that it's only ever me that messages. Or their replies are pretty short as they are obviously busy. I am never busy. I will message someone and they will take hours or maybe a day to reply to me. Because they are busy with their lives. I get very paranoid about it and think it's because they don't really like me!!
On social media I have seen them going out with other people and feeling very jealous. Why haven't we been invited anywhere?

How do i get past feeling this way? These people have their own friends and their own lives and they are really nice people. I know they are not doing anything intentionally to me. But I feel like they are!! I take everything very personally. Now I feel like I don't even want to speak to them when we return to school because they obviously aren't the friends I thought they were.
How do i have successful friendships now I'm approaching 40? I feel like I'll never have a real friend again!

You have my sympathies as it can be so hard making genuine adult friends. I don't have much advice but what struck me from your post was how you were thinking of being less friendly with your new friends when schools start back. Lockdown has been so weird for many people. Lots of people have struggled badly even if that doesn't show on their social media. I suggest you return to those friendships with an open mind and take it from there.

Yes i will, I'm just being sulky.

I've PMed you OP

I also tried very hard to make friends in my local area. I've ran coffee mornings, set up outings, started a class fb page, joined book clubs.
It's hard, I agree.

Lots of people advise making friends as adults through hobbies or interests. This just provides an extra layer of connection that keeps you chatting about stuff even when people are less available.

I have been friendly with plenty of school mums, but it doesn’t develop unless we have common ground over something. Could be health, politics, work interests. Even then there are people I really like who I just can’t keep up with. Please don’t take it personally; it does sound like you might be quite a bit more available than a lot of other people

I can sympathise. I feel I am the one who makes an effort not to only to meet new people and make friends but to then keep those friendships going.

I am friends in a group with 4 other local mums. The other day, 2 of them went out with their kids together. No heads up to me or the others to see if we would like to go. It smarted a bit as if one of them had suggested to me we go out I would have said 'great, let's ask the others too.'

I've often sat and thought 'if I had a major crisis, who would I call?' I have friends but don't think I have that friend, if that makes sense.

I think it's hard but I think you just need to keep trying to keep the friendships going. Every group needs a leader I suppose and maybe that needs to be you. I'm hoping that as DC's lives progress, I'll find more opportunities to make friends.

Sulking is the worst thing ever. I've had a couple of friends who have sulked when they feel a bit left out or whatever. It puts me off people like nothing else. Be warm be friendly be interested in people and dont take offence needlessly

when you message the other parents what do you say?
is it just to arrange a playdate or an outing

Have you invited people anywhere?

I've been crazy busy at work and with childcare for the last few months and while I've gratefully accepted a few invitations from other people (so you'd have seen me "out with other friends" on my social media!), I haven't got round to organising anything myself yet!

What about volunteer work once pandemic behind us.

Thanks for your comments.

I have been contacting parents that I haven't been out with before, trying to start something new I suppose.
The original mum friends we would chat about anything, but it's all gone quiet since covid and everytime I message they are too busy to speak to me.
As I said, I know it's nothing personal. Its the fact that they are busy, working, running the house, maybe caring for family members etc, and i am at a loose end most of the time. The days are very long and if someone messageds me I'm able to reply straight away. I know why it is but I still take it all so personally!

Oh forgot to mention the, I've actually arranged some volunteer work for September so I'm very much looking forward to that!

I know what you mean
I message every time everybody's bloody busy
Or don't reply
Which is what people are like
But I can't cope with the 'no' anymore they never say to me 'how about this'
I don't have a partner and I've started to get so low

You say you are getting in touch with quite a few mums, and then more who you don't know as well- I am not sure this scattergun approach is working for you. By all means be friendly and arrange playdates for your kids, I'd be happy to be involved in that, but I wouldn't want a stranger just deciding they wanted to be friends without having any additional reason why we might do so- common way of thinking, just gel really well and so on.

I think you need to start looking more carefully for clues of who is into you and who would be open for a friendship- a bit like when you go dating! If someone seems keen, finds a time quickly and gets back in touch with you- good signs. If they are always 'too busy' and never initiate, that tells you they aren't going to put any work into developing the friendship. You only need one or two really good friends, not lots. You can still be friendly with the others, but you shouldn't be texting them/chasing them to be friends- they are too busy or just not into it!

I have friends who have met friends on social media, bonded over hobbies or niche interests and so on and they have a lot more in common than those who meet at the school gates. Just a thought. You sound like a lovely positive person, and in the right setting with the right person/people, would be a great friend.

OP are you ‘targeting’ other SAHMs? It’s not clear from your posts.

@Illdealwithitinaminute I suppose your right. They are mums of my youngests friends at school. Why does everyone else seem to have friends away from school but I don't?

@Lostatsea1988 some are sahm mums yes, a few aren't. The ones who I thought I was close to are all sahm. They are all well off and could be described as "ladies of leisure"

Hmmm that’s difficult then. I thought you were going to say they had jobs and I wondered if they felt they had nothing in common with you....I have mum friends now but what keeps us together is our shared history. I would be unlikely to befriend a mum now if you see what I mean.

Finding friendship is a bit like finding love - you find it when you aren't looking (or in a hurry!) When you are relaxed and more confident in yourself, people sense that and respond differently to somebody who is looking to fill a need within themselves. It sounds like you think you should already have made and held onto friendships. Try and remember that everyone is different; I don't keep in touch with anyone from Uni or school and I don't know of anyone else who does. Also, school and playgroup environments do not work for everyone as they have a very unique set of dynamics that suit some personalities more than others; they certainly didn't suit mine. It is about knowing yourself and being true to yourself. Some of my closest and enduring friendships have been made since I turned 40 through doing exactly the types of things you are talking about doing; voluntary work, pursuing hobbies and interests etc I would be very careful as well of interpreting what you see on social media. I remember a group of primary school mums who used to go on nights out and post all the photos but they were bitching behind each others backs regularly. Stay on course, grow your confidence from the inside out not vice versa and you will find good friends will come your way naturally and effortlessly.