Allergic to PIL’s cat

[ProbablyLate]

Once lockdown allowed it we decided to go and visit DH’s parents who we have a great relationship with.

Since we were last there, they have rescued Bono from their local cat sanctuary. He’s a friendly and sweet cat, and seems to have decided that he’s going to be a house cat.

I have a fairly severe cat allergy, not something I would die from but it makes me sneeze, my eyes swell up, and I get very wheezy. Just altogether makes me feel pretty grotty.

DH and PIL know about this as they had seen me have a pretty bad reaction to one of their family members’ cats. PIL kept the door of our room shut (not sure fit how longs before we arrived), I doubled up on antihistamines and tried to avoid Bono. DH is a cat lover but also did his best to avoid the cat/wash hands well afterwards. I wheezed all night and slept terribly while we were there anyway.

Now DH wants to visit again but I said I’d rather stay somewhere else and just visit them during the day. DH says that’s not the same and is a waste of money. AIBU?

Staying elsewhere makes much more sense. Otherwise he can go alone!

YANBU allergies are horrible!

Is your dh always an insensitive twat?

Of course it's worth the money. If you can afford to stay in a hotel etc, then do it. You cannot stay overnight there. You tried, it was miserable. Frankly even being there all day will be tough for you, given your reaction. But you are trying to acccommodate them by coming anyway.

I'm with you op. Not being able to breathe properly is a big thing. Your H needs to have some care!

DH is an idiot. I have the same and that wheezing is asthma - an actual life threatening condition. Of course you should be able to stay in an hotel.

Just tell DH to go on his own .... if he can shower/wash thoroughly before he gets home. My DH has a severe cat allergy, there is no way he would stay in someone's home if they had a cat.

Tell him to go alone.

You are not being unreasonable at all

Book the hotel yourself! Or send him on his own - allergies are awful

I have a severe cat allergy aswell and you the PP is right, that wheezing is asthma, a severe lung disease that you can die from. I have the same sort of issue, my MIL decided to buy a cat around two years ago and since then we have visited maybe twice. Once we stayed in the garden the entire time apart from to go to the toilet and the second time we were inside but we left after around 90mins because even after taking antihistamines at that point I could feel it coming on.

FWIW I think it’s really hard for people who don’t have allergies to understand how it feels when you do. My DH for example, he respects what I’m saying I need to do to be safe and this has included his mum now coming to visit US on a weekly basis instead. So we still see her regularly it’s just we don’t go there, this was a hard pill for him to swallow but I said it was her decision to buy the cat, she knew about my allergies so if he wants to feel disappointed he shouldn’t be directing that at me. He likes to sometimes conveniently “forget” about my allergies and suggest we do something that involves going there but I swiftly remind him. It’s caused a little tension, not that he’s angry with me but I think he’s frustrated at the situation and tbh I can sympathise with that because I would feel really peed off with my mum if she did that. In saying all this I’m not angry at all with his mum, she wanted a pet and I would never be angry at that and she has made the effort to come to us regularly so that’s fair enough.

He’s not usually an insensitive twat - thanks for your concern

I don’t think he’s super fussed about this visit but is thinking ahead to things like Christmas when all his siblings and spouses will be staying there and we’ll be separated.

We’re also only recently married so I don’t want to create a feeling of I’m cutting him off from them.

Thanks for the insight @Purpleflashingunicorn , glad to hear we wouldn’t be the only couple who had to stop visiting parents due to allergies!

I felt I would be unreasonable to suggest they shouldn’t have got a cat because of my allergies so it’s reassuring to know you felt the same way (though maybe we’re both being unreasonable about that!)

I also felt unreasonable making that suggestion but in saying that I won’t be made to feel like I’m the problem when I literally didn’t do anything apart from have an allergy that MIL knew I’ve had literally my entire life. I don’t think she’s unreasonable for buying a cat as long as it’s recognised that we can’t just continue to visit as before which tbf she does understand.

Xmas has been the biggest problem that we’ve had to overcome if I’m honest. We used to go there every year and for the entire day but I’m unable to do that now. This has resulted in her coming here or if not convenient seeing her a different day, this was the hardest thing for my husband to accept and he was really really upset. Again not at me but at the situation.

Fab name for a cat!

Perhaps if possible you should make it a day visit. Not on a Sunday bloody Sunday or on New Year's Day given that the cat is called Bono, as standing on The Edge of the room whilst visiting is not the best Elevation whilst there, and it is a house not a Zoo that your tour (visit) is to.

I think if he doesn't suffer with allergies, he may not realise how truly awful they can be.

YANBU to want to stay away. My mum has allergies and I have four pets - I know full well this means she can't stay in my house for long (she's fine for a couple of hours) so if I want to see her for an extended period of time, we meet up elsewhere or I go and see her at her house. It's fine and I'm not remotely offended by the fact that she doesn't come here.

If someone is offended by the fact that you have allergies then it's safe to say they're a little odd

We have cats and my BIL is allergic to them.

He can dose himself up with medication, but it makes him sleepy. So they visit us in summer or whenever the weather is good enough to sit in the garden, and in winter we visit them instead.

No way would I feel badly treated by him choosing not to stay in our house! If anything I feel bad about getting pets that he's allergic to. But our kids love cats...

You are definitely not being unreasonable about staying elsewhere. When you leave the place with the animal with the fur that gives you the reaction, might I recommend a complete change of clothes, with someone else putting them into a long, hot wash and long shower of bath with through hair wash(several shampoos and rinses even if your shampoo is the sort that recommend only one.

YANBU - of course you can't stay there when you have an allergic reaction to their cat which triggers an asthma wheeze.

You don't mention having asthma so if you don't have a diagnosis I would be requesting an appointment with your GP surgeries asthma nurse for a test. Inhalers should help reduce the reaction you get to triggers like the cat.

I still wouldn't stay there though, even with inhalers. My asthma is triggered by cigarette smoke so I no longer visit my parents house as I keep needing my reliever when there. Also the tertiary smoke there makes my clothes stink and it frankly mings!

I love cats and have one myself but I wouldn't be offended if someone with a cat allergy opted not to visit me at home.

If you had a peanut allergy would your husband insist you ate peanuts at MIL's house so you didn't offend her?! It sounds like he thinks you should just put up with it and put everybody else's needs/wants before your own which is really unfair of him.