To just want a day to myself

[Ke1o9]

I know I am. But I hope others feel the same. Two young kids home since march. We don't get any help from family anyway. But it doesn't normally bother me because we have the school run etc. I have the littlest at home with me and if life was different I would be interested in finding him a childminder whilst DD is at school once or twice a week. I just want to get on with things but I manage ok. I'm not needing advice about lowering my standards. I just want to do so much more some days than I can. I have to iron around my son sleeping. I was struggling to cope with washing but I've learned how to put it away everyday and iron the 2/3 things rather than leave it to pile up. Please don't tell me I don't need to iron because there are a few bits that are a state if I don't ...

As soon as I start getting things looking good I end up with a day where I have to do less due to something... this week was the heat and a horrible period. I had to go to bed with nausea and a pounding head at 4pm yesterday. My partner was working from home and stopped at 4pm. I went to bed for an hour then had a bath. Partner put the kids to bed because I ended up going back to bed feeling sick at 8pm. This morning I come down to a right tip. Teatime pots not washed. Loads of toys chucked allover the living room. Crumbs everywhere. I ranted abit because I'm trying so hard to keep on top of things now as i was getting so behind.

I know it's trivial and whiney. I guess I'm just hoping other mums feel the same. I do clean around the kids but it's just frustrating seeing how many chores I could do but I need to supervise the kids in the garden etc.

I just want one day where I can clean all the woodwork down. Get all washing done and away. Pull all the beds out and things.

I've got paint waiting to go on the kitchen and living room walls. I want to scrub one of my carpets that's got abit mucky.

Is anyone else feeling abit ready for some time to get on?

Can your partner take the kids to his parents for the weekend? Give you the house to yourself?

This would be an option but his sister is a Dr and had cornavirus two weeks ago. His mum's not stayed away and is helping her out. So weve told them we won't see them for the time being. he has done this in the past though.

Is a childminder not an option where you are/covid wise?

Mine go twice a week for no reason other than I want time to myself! If you can't afford it do it. I prioritize it over other things financially, but it's completely worth the belt-tightening.

Also it sounds like there's an imbalance in your relationship perhaps? I imagine you're run ragged because you're picking up your partner's share of the domestic work? Why didn't he clean up the kitchen when you were in bed?

IF you *can afford it

I'm not sure I'll ever get a day to myself again and I love time alone! My kids are teens so it's not hard work physically anymore but since March there's always someone here and DH works from home fulltime now so even after the kids go back to school I'll never be on my own. It's shit

It is hard to get anything finished with kids around; it's frustrating to only be able to stop/start some of the big jobs but honestly I think you may feel better if you try and accept that this is going to be the case for a while and deal with it when this madness has passed...I work full time as does my husband (both from home at the moment). While this is happening, the kids are playing (aka making a giant mess). It is massively disheartening to finish work to a mess and then spend all evening tidying/cleaning. The only solution for us at the moment is to pretend it's not there all week, and deal with it at the weekend! Normally they are at school and we are at work so the house stays relatively tidy as no one is there...
Big jobs only happen at the weekend too.
You say you don't want advice on lowering standards but I do think it may make you feel better to just try your best to let it go a bit more.

@Colom

I just presumed it wouldn't be an option at the moment. But I will look into it in september as I really think he needs the interaction. Thanks for letting me know they are still working. My partner does long hours alot. He will do bits. But tbh he is naturally messy. He gets up on the weekend and he will take the kids for an hour's walk. He will always do bits of cooking or shopping too. But he's not consistent and I wish sometimes he would get up and do "man jobs" like cutting the grass nice and early. I think he's just so worn out and I do understand that. But as you say I am too. We've never been super tidy. But I'm starting to want higher standards now. I want my home to be respectable so we can open the door and let people in. I've got quite good at remembering to clean the skirting boards occasionally and stuff. But I need the rest of the household to do their bit otherwise I'm cleaning up after 4 people. It is my job as a sahm I guess. But today I planned to get up and get the washing sorted and put away. So having to deal with all this first has just slowed it all down and I can't keep up with the kids now. I hope it makes sense.

Thanks for listening to me.

The biggest single thing that strikes me from your post is querying

(a) how much work there is to be done (do you work/how many hours does he). is the problem that you do genuinely have unrealistic expectations, or reasonable ones? we don't know.

and more importantly:

(b) your partner and if they're pulling your weight...

espeically this:

This morning I come down to a right tip. Teatime pots not washed. Loads of toys chucked allover the living room. Crumbs everywhere.

Is that normal?

I wouldn't do this to my (not feeling well) spouse. Why are you cleaning up yesterday's mess on top of todays?

I know exactly what you mean. Mine are pre teen & teens So I don’t need to entertain them but I want them out from under my feet.
There’s a constant trail of destruction left around house; trainers, hoodies, chargers, bags, plates, cups and crumbs. I want to tidy it and to stay tidy, not have to nag someone to death and then put up with their shit version of tidying.

Yeah, I get it. I have been working really hard to keep the house clean and tidy whilst I’m off from work (a teacher so it’s the summer holidays). I’m pregnant as well so desperately want to keep on top of things before DD2 is due in September.

When I spend all day clearing up, the house is great. If I stop even for a day, there is stuff that needs doing. DD(6) gets a load of toys out or DH makes food and leaves crumbs and plates on the side. I just want to spend a day doing nothing and my house not deteriorate around me.

You know that house work doesn’t go away?

I would book a day off from house work, you’ll find the day after cleaning up two days mess takes the same amount of time!

I always took one day off a week, kids washed and Dressed and fed, the rest was left. Makes you feel so much better.

Give yourselves a break ladies, you’re the only ones putting pressure on yourselves.

Me too!!!!

I wish people would go out and leave me alone

Mine are 12 and 15 so can be helpful but also stay up late! It means I tend to follow them up to bed 😁

The last two weeks I have been struggling and when there were suggestions of no school I could have cried - I need a holiday!

Although I would settle for an afternoon in front of the TV uninterrupted

I completely understand. 4dc here off since March, dh has been working from home too, plus the dog and the cat. It's all just too much.
I was just talking to a friend who was saying the same...
I'm in survival mode at the moment just doing the bare minimum to maintain any kind of tidiness/ cleanliness.
My children are turning feral I feel sorry for the teachers when they go back.

@Grumpymum789

Exactly. It's like your work is undone in five minutes. I got so much done Tuesday. The kids bring so much stuff down. I take it back up. Then ones into drawing and can't put paper in the bin or pencils away. Parts of a game are chucked everywhere.

It's good to moan lol.

Yes I feel exactly the same...2 DC, 9 and 12. I just want them all out the house so I can blitz it. Really miss my quiet days when dh was at work and DC at school. Six months without a break from your kids is tough. I can't wait till they go back.

I was thinking similar this morning. I'd like a couple of hours with no one else around so I can clear the floor and have it stay clear while I hoover, and also clean the loo without someone appearing being "desperate" the second the loo cleaner gets squirted in. Plus I'd like some time to sit with a cup of tea and netflix

Glad to not be alone.

It gets you down. I'm far from a neat freak. Just like it fairly respectable and especially with spider season starting I don't want piles of toys and washing about.

I would also settle for a morning/afternoon Infront of the Tele or in bed with a book lol. I remember before kids I would laze around on my days off. Sleep. Wake up. Watch tele. Have a nap. Eat. Relax lol.

I didn't have to read your post to vote YANBU, just the title. It doesn't matter what your situation is, if you need time to yourself you need time to yourself and YANBU to say so.

And it being an impossible ask doesn't mean you don't still need it.

I've had about 12 hours in the house by myself since the schools closed in March. I usually get 6 hours on a weekend day plus maybe extra days if I have a free day during the week (only work part-time). That's not as much as I need, but it's just enough to recharge me to keep me going, so I am currently completely drained, and my kids are teens not little.

As far as lowering your standards, the only way I would suggest you do this is to stop ironing. The world won't stop if clothes are a little bit creased. You can get the worst out if you just lie them on a flat surface and smooth the creases out with your hands. If you have a number of things which have to be ironed, just put them to one side until they have all been washed and dried and iron them as a batch (I used to do this with a few dresses my daughter had when she was little which had to be ironed )

As for coming down to a mess that your DH has made, just remind him that he didn't put his stuff away and it needs doing. Don't just do it for him without saying anything. If you do end up tidying for him - because you need the space free in a hurry? - tell him that you've tidied up for him but can he remember to tidy after himself. People don't notice things you do for them if you don't tell them you've done it, be that partners or teenage kids.

Is your DH around at the weekends? That's when we try to tackle some of the bigger tasks. He sounds like he needs to help more with the basics day to day too.
Its frustrating not being able to do those things that need to be done but without help you can't do it all yourself.

Yes he's home at the weekends. I'm going to try and get loads done this weekend. Just have to hope he's not tired and wants to get stuck in. Sometimes he will get stuff done. I think all of them need to start putting there own stuff away. That in itself would be great. It's so much easier to clean when you don't have to find the floor.

Hopefully by September things will feel more in control again.

Also the constant food food food requests. Half way through washing up and obviously eevyobe needs food and drinks lol.

God, I’d love a day to myself to get on top of the housework!

I do the majority of the housework in my family, my DH is crap at most of it (I knew this before I married him, this is not a shock!) and it doesn’t bother him if it’s not done. He does the dishwasher when told to do so (he’ll just let it all pile up otherwise) and takes the bins out (when told it’s bin day) but is totally shit at noticing anything needs doing and would never think to do a PROPER clean.

Normally, he and 3yo DD would go out for lovely outings, e.g. swimming, which gives me a whole afternoon to do any housework I want to do and have time to myself to have a lovely bath, read a book, whatever.... It works for us! I haven’t been getting this time since lockdown - now playgrounds are open again he does take her out, but it’s only a 5 minute walk away so it’s just not the same! I love my family, but I really like having some time to myself and I just don’t get much at the moment!

So no tips. But sympathy - yes, I do feel the same. I’d really love some time to myself to do things that I want to do.

I have sent DH out with DD a few times. I have to give him very specific timings though: “Take DD for a walk. Be at least an hour!” If I don’t, he’s back in 20 minutes and it’s just not enough for me. I used to get a whole Monday evening to myself and a Saturday morning. Stupid Covid!!

It makes you feel guilty doesn't it. You don't want to whinge in the middle of a pandemic. But we've been surviving like this since march. I have loved having my daughter home again. She's 5 so was in her first year. But we were finally getting somewhere. I had more time for my youngest. He napped for two hours before covid and I got that time to myself. We had a routine. I feel In some ways I'm back to how I was a year ago. Two toddler aged kids at home. Lots of mess and snacks. I know when my youngest is at school I'll miss some of this stuff. But I'm only human and sometimes I want to get things done without having to multitask. I'm going to take all the washing up and sort it after tea later. But it still frustrates me because I've got energy now and later I'll be tired and want to enjoy the Tele and adult conversation. It's life though I guess.

What a year 2020 has been! I sometimes look back to march and it feels so long ago and I think how have we survived so long at home like this.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

I totally get you. My partner took mine for ice cream last weekend. I had an hour. But that's not enough to do all the housework and have some "me time" I put the washing away, cleaned the bathroom then laid on the bed staring at the ceiling lol!!! My DD used to go swimming too. I sound like I don't want them around lol. I just want a whole day or even just 4 hours by myself lol.

I hear you!

DS is 4, I work part time and DP is working full time atm. I’m either at work, commuting or with DS and I’m a natural introvert. I do all the housework, all the meals and all the childcare unless I’m working, including all the get ups/bedtimes and any night wakings. Before lockdown I was really happy with it because DS went to school nursery every morning so I got a few hours break to myself 2 mornings a week.

In terms of housework, I’ve got a timetable now and tell myself as long as it is clean, tidiness is a bonus. I ‘deep’ clean a room a day five days a week, so Sundays are kitchen days. I do skirting boards, all surfaces, in and out of cupboards, tiles etc plus normal dishwasher and tidy round and then mop the floor. It can take up to 2 hours if it’s just me and DS but he knows mostly that if mummy is cleaning she needs to crack on. Monday - living room, Tuesday - bathroom, Wednesday - DS’ bedroom and sturdy is normally our bedroom. We do have a small house though!

The living room in particular always looks like a bomb has gone off because that’s largely where DS plays, but everything is clean.