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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell fiance's mum?

26 replies

shedonealreadyhadherses · 14/08/2020 09:21

DFiance booked wedding for September 2020 - we gave out save the dates in early 2019 and then invites in early 2020. Obviously the wedding has been postponed so we sent "change the dates" recently.

Separate background, DF 's Brother is married to an awful woman. Huge back story but lots of emotional and mental abuse from her - Brother has had therapy, keeps a separate phone at work to call people on and basically admits it's shit, but says he wont leave "because of the kids". We have tried to help but that is a whole other story. DF's parents really struggle with this and although she is awful to them (and makes DF's mum cry regularly) they are generally nice to her whilst offering him support where needed because (a) they dont want to make it worse for Brother and (b) they want to see the grandkids. Neither DF nor I have ever really had any major issue with her and generally she has been civil to me (apart from one xenophobic incident). We hate how Brother is treated and how his parents are treated, but we have generally been asked not to cause further issues for them, which we do... we just offer support where we can.

Now to this issue. There's a family whatsapp group that their whole clan send pics of their holidays to. DF barely looks at it and keeps it muted. Just before we sent invites out (long after "save the dates") she had a fit because she said she was excluded from the group. She wasnt - she said she didnt want to join ages before. She then found out DF is an admin - god knows how as it was news to him. She went mad and did a lot of bitching, which we ignored mostly. Generally in person we have been on good terms and we didnt think it was a big deal.

We sent invites shortly after the above issue. We got an email response from Brother saying they couldnt come but good luck. No explanation or anything - they knew the date a LONG time ago so it's clealry not "other plans". We assume it's the bullshit mentioned above but it could be anything else tbh. It doesnt really matter why... fact is, they aren't coming and they didnt give us a reason. DF text, emailed and tried to call but no response. Nothing. DF refused to tell his mum because it would upset her. When we sent the "change the dates" we included them despite this. We still heard absolutely nothing from them. DF still hasnt told his mum.

DF's dad knows (I am annoyed at him because he has spoken to Brother a few times since and didnt even raise it but that's a separate issue). So, my question ---> They keep saying they dont want to upset his mum so will tell her later. It's been months now and the wedding is in 4 months' time (well, it'll be postponed again shortly, but for now it looks like it'll be in 4 months) ans she still doesnt know and thinks Brother is coming to wedding. I think she should know now so she can realise there is a major rift between her kids, and not have it accidentally slipped by someone later or be left to the last minute. His mum is a grown woman who has raised 3 kids and she has no specific MH or other issues which might be affected. I dont think she needs to DO anything, per se, or that she would be able to anyway... but i think she should KNOW.

AIBU and interfering or am I right? FYI - I am not going to tell her myself...

OP posts:
CoRhona · 14/08/2020 10:05

How bloody weird. I would say something, I don't see what the big secret is and not wanting to upset her will be worse if she doesn't find out til the day!

LemonyFace · 14/08/2020 10:52

Absolutely she should be told! That sounds like such a horrible situation, I'm not sure who I feel most sorry for here but your mil is a grown woman who deserves to know what's going on.

Best of luck with the wedding!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2020 11:02

What’s your DF worried is going to happen when she finds out? If he’s expecting drama - fair enough I guess - surely better to give it time to be dealt with or fizzle out over some time rather than be the dark cloud that hangs over your wedding day and makes everyone feel shit and awkward? She’ll feel mortified at being “protected” as if she’s not a capable adult who can handle a bit of disappointment.

Awful for you. The whole situation with BIL and abusive wife, and your wedding being postponed. This is the last thing you need.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 14/08/2020 11:20

I mean she is going to found out later anyway right?? when he doesnt show up to the wedding so may as well tell her first

Felifox · 14/08/2020 12:10

I'd tell your future MIL. If the dw has caused arguments in the family then your BIL may have decided the best plan is for none of them to go so your day isn't spoiled.

JuniperFather · 14/08/2020 12:34

DFiance Grin

Iwonder08 · 14/08/2020 12:42

Why do you feel the need to tell her? If your DF believes she should know he will tell her.
You will tell her, she will be upset and will tell your BIL/SIL that YOU informed her.. It will make things even worse.
Is it really that important for you that they come to the wedding after all?

Pittapitta · 14/08/2020 12:47

Tell her, don’t play these weird games with them. You’re all adults. By the way, it doesn’t make sense on why the brother isn’t coming to the wedding.

OneForMeToo · 14/08/2020 13:00

I’d just stay out of it. Do you generally tell guests which other guests have accepted or declined? Treat this exactly the same unless she out and out asks if they are coming leave it between the adult child and their parent.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 14/08/2020 13:07

I think she should be told but I'm not sure why it should be you to tell her. She has a son to do that in his own time

smittenkittennn · 14/08/2020 13:11

DF needs to tell her. It would be awful at the wedding for her to be blindsided. Could create a real cloud and spoil the day.

Broomfondle · 14/08/2020 13:11

I'm not quite sure what your relationship with your fiance's brother etc is like now and whether you would actually want them there but would it be worth getting back in touch with them saying something along the lines of 'before we tell DMIL, we wanted to check it was still your intention not to come to our wedding. We would like you there and you would be welcome and it would mean a lot to us and DMIL to have you there. If not we will of course accept your decision but we wanted to reach out and offer your invitation again.'
If they decline/don't answer then tell MIL.

knittingaddict · 14/08/2020 13:18

Yes, I think mil should be told. The family dynamics seem pretty weird here.

I think your fiance should be the one to do it as it's his wedding, his brother and his mum. If he won't then I would tell him and his father that you will. If I was the mum I would be pretty furious that I wasn't told something this big that the whole family are aware of. She isn't a child.

Leaannb · 14/08/2020 13:32

An invite isn't a summons and you aren't entitled to know the reason why they won't be there. As far as telling Mil,why? What would it accomplish besides stirring the shit pot. Are you hoping she will make them come? If so childish. Are you worried that Mil will throw a tantrum at the wedding if she finds out there? If so you have bigger problems than your BIL and his partner. Why does this make any difference since you have already said the wedding will be postponed

ArtemisBean · 14/08/2020 13:35

Agree that she should know, and that your DF should be the one to tell her, not you. Sit him down and ask how he would feel if he was in his mum's place.

LouiseTrees · 14/08/2020 13:37

I would take the mum out a walk. Casually talk about the wedding and drop it in. Then if DF gets annoyed you could say she mentioned something that made you feel you had to tell her or she’d find out anyway.

VinylDetective · 14/08/2020 13:38

@OneForMeToo

I’d just stay out of it. Do you generally tell guests which other guests have accepted or declined? Treat this exactly the same unless she out and out asks if they are coming leave it between the adult child and their parent.
This.
Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 13:40

I would stay out of it. I doubt you would appreciate your fiance sticking his beak into your family's dramas. This is something your fiance needs to handle.

Ellisandra · 14/08/2020 13:41

I think it’s really sad that there is a major rift between the sons over this.
Your future BIL is in an awful position, but your boyfriend has fallen out with him because he can’t come to the wedding because of his abusive wife? I think your boyfriend could be kinder.

Your reason to tell future MIL is not to hide the rift. How about your boyfriend chooses not to have a rift?

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/08/2020 13:43

@Aquamarine1029

I would stay out of it. I doubt you would appreciate your fiance sticking his beak into your family's dramas. This is something your fiance needs to handle.
This. It’s shit for your mil but shit your DF and his family have caused. Nothing to do with you - you should just ignore the drama and enjoy the time that remains.
OneForMeToo · 14/08/2020 13:50

Also I know you say the wife is abusive in which ever way she is. But are you sure the wedding decline is her fault.

I mean you say he has a secret phone at work so surely he could of responded to your DF via that if it was the wife forcing to just blank or ignore when he has this secret communication seems more like he just doesn’t want to even talk to your DF at all.

He also hasn’t told his dad that “I’m so so sorry we can’t come but you know what DW is like can you help me sort it with DM”

I mean it would be pretty easy to lump all the blame on her since she’s abusive but he hasn’t at all.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 14/08/2020 13:54

Tell mil so she knows the truth. Any old tale could be spun near the time and ruin your day..

katy1213 · 14/08/2020 13:56

I'd stay out of it - and be glad she isn't coming to your wedding. Don't extend the invitation again. They were asked; they refused.

gutentag1 · 14/08/2020 14:00

Stay out of it, this is your fiance's call.

Spied · 14/08/2020 14:06

You're all grown-ups.
If dbro isn't coming then he's not coming!
What's his mother going to do about it?
( Any chance this 'awful' woman is fed up of interfering in-laws ?)

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