Who is being unreasonable?

[Gorillalegs65]

I have a friend who I met in high school. We are now both 37 so it's a friendship of 20 plus years. She's always been quite an entitled and self centred person. Cancelling plans last minute, always wanting to choose the restaurant or holiday destination that sort of thing. She became quite the bridezilla during her wedding making lots of expensive demands. But she's been a good friend to me in some ways. She just views her own needs and wants as more important than other people's I believe.

As I've gotten older, got married, had my dc I've started saying "no" a lot more. I have family commitments and I'm now of an age where I no longer want to go along with things that don't suit me or I can't afford just to please others. This has put her nose out of joint and I'd say we have drifted a little of the past 5 years.

She had a baby in the middle of April so right in the peak of lockdown. I sent some lovely gifts through the post, Skyped them and have managed to see them once from a distance. She invited us and some other friends to their home (a 2 hour drive away) about a month ago and my family weren't able to go, but I did suggest an alternative date where she could come to us. She was clearly pissed off and hasn't spoken to me since. It seems to me like she doesn't feel I've made the appropriate amount of effort.

Part of me feels like she needs to get a grip and realise the world doesn't revolve around her. The other side feels guilty. We are in a stalemate right now where neither is making the first move towards contact. Aibu or is she being typically self centred?

You'd be better off without her. It's not a friendship if it's only on her terms.

You are asking her to drive 2 hours with a 3 or 4 month old rather than ask if there’s an alternative time for you to go to her! In that respect you are being unreasonable. She makes everything about her in other ways. In that respect she is unreasonable.

What louisetrees says

She sounds like a taker and you are a giver. True friendship is give and take. Stick to your guns with your decision. Let her have to be flexible for once.

Because a 2 hour drive with a new born / 3month old is incredibly not fun, it would be nice of you (just you or you + your children who I assume are at least slightly older) to go visit her in her home to see the new baby.

I flew to Scotland with a 3 month old on my own no problems so a 2 hour drive is hardly a huge ask imo.

Well she cant come to you with a newborn. It's a 2hr drive for you but she'd have to take very regular breaks. Is it 20 or 30 minutes a baby that young can be a carseat?
Just arrange to go see her. Sounds like you're over compensating for having let her walk all over you before. Have you tried to address the issue, does she know how you felt, if she didn't realise you felt steamroller then from her point of view, you've just gone cold on her and stopped wanting to see her.

She might be self-absorbed usually but in this latest instance I think you were in the wrong. Instead of offering other dates to visit her you wanted her to travel 2 hours with a 3 month old. You wanted consideration when you had kids but you're not offering her this consideration.

I think yabu about expecting her to make a 2 hour car journey with a 4 month old baby to visit you. Would mean frequent long stops as baby can't be in the car seat for long and would just generally be much more of a pita for her to make the journey than it would be for you.

Other than that YANBU. Friendships shouldn't be such hard work, getting annoyed with each other for perceived lack of effort is silly. Just drift apart, no need to keep persevering with a friendship with someone that you think is selfish.

A 2 hour drive with a 4 month old is hardly a big deal. She doesn’t seem to want to make the effort with the friendship so I’d let it go based on her past behaviour.

She regularly visits my area because her in laws live about 10 miles away. So there have been times where she's been visiting them and could have dropped in but hasn't. I'm not saying she should I'm just saying the opportunity was there.

In normal times of course I would have driven over there by now. But now I feel a bit pissed off that she's chosen to ghost me because I said no for once.

If the friend doesn't want to do a two hour drive with a small baby all she has to do is say 'I'm not ready for that drive yet. Would a different date suit for you to come here?'.

The OP is in a no win situation here. She couldn't make the date she was invited on, so her options are either to invite the friend to visit her instead, which most people are saying is unreasonable, or to invite herself to the friend's house, which would hardly go down well either.

And one way or another, the friend refusing to speak to her because she declined an invitation but offered an alternative suggestion is just horrible behaviour.

I'd say we have drifted a little of the past 5 years.

You've already drifted apart so not speaking to each other for a month doesn't seem too bad.

Give her a call, ask how she's coping. Let her know that you wish you'd been able to visit her....you know, just as friends would speak to each other.

Unless there is something else that's happened that makes you believe she's cutting off your friendship ?

"You wanted consideration when you had kids but you're not offering her this consideration."

That's an interesting point actually because when I had my dc who are now 5 and 9, she still expected me to live and socialise in the way I had pre- kids. She even suggested I go on a girly break to Marbella a week after my youngest dd was born because "he (dh) can look after it."

@NYMM I think I am just feeling a lot more put out over it than I maybe should do due to things that have happened in the past. Maybe that's a sign that the friendship is over. It feels like unless I play by her rules then she isn't interested. Which is obviously upsetting but makes me feel cross and resentful too.

[quote Gorillalegs65]@NYMM I think I am just feeling a lot more put out over it than I maybe should do due to things that have happened in the past. Maybe that's a sign that the friendship is over. It feels like unless I play by her rules then she isn't interested. Which is obviously upsetting but makes me feel cross and resentful too.

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A one-way friendship isn't healthy but as adults you don't have to accept it.

As I said, make the call, be cheerful and ask her how it's going. General chit chat. Don't arrange a meeting just leave it as something like... next time you're in the area, give me a call and if I'm free, perhaps we could meet...

You'll have the upper hand if that's what you want. You choose if you meet...or not.

@NYMM I feel like after all this time it might be weird to ring but I will send a msg.

@Gorillalegs65 have you posted about this before?

@ILoveYou3000 No not me. I've NC as potentially outing if friend is on here but not posted about this particular situation before.

Interesting that you present your learning to say, “no” later in life as a necessary positive, but her always having those boundaries as a negative.

Always having to be the one to choose a restaurant or holiday destination isn't the same as having boundaries.

@Thedogscollar

I flew to Scotland with a 3 month old on my own no problems so a 2 hour drive is hardly a huge ask imo.

Just because you saw that as being ok doesn’t mean everyone would do the same.

I had a c-section so the thought of doing a 4 hour round trip at 3 months old when I’d barely been driving for a week or so would have been horrifying for me

Why are you friends with her?

There are loads of these threads every week:

Woman has friend who has been painful for years
Woman doesn’t really like friend
Friend gets offended over perceived slight
Woman doesn’t know what to do.

What you do is wash your hands of all the drama and stop being her whipping boy.