To end a friendship even though the friend has been mentally unwell recently?

[Hickorydickoryspock]

I've been friends with someone for around 15 years and they are almost like family to me.. but their behaviour can be very difficult... I'm aware that some of it may be flaws in me and how I respond too.
I think I'm somewhat of an enabler and find it hard to say what I really think unless itseems important to do so. I don't want to hurt anyone and have a deep seated far of causing pain.

However I'm pretty sure my friend has narcissistic personality disorder alongside borderline. These are things she has been diagnosed with in the past but rejects. She has other diagnosis now but to be honest I think she textbook fits the old diagnosis. The main issue being shes unlikely to change as she won't engage with treatments for these issues as she disputes even having them.

Over lockdown its been horrendous for me in terms of interacting with her. She has been in a lot of pain for various reasons and I do have sympathy, but when do you draw the line because itstaking too much of your energy? She has had some type of breakdown and tbf she has sort some professional help for it... but I just think she's been lying and misrepresenting the situation to get what she wants out of it from services. I can't shake the feeling she's being incredibly manipulative... even tho I do know she can't really help her behaviour that much and she justifies it all to herself. Part of me feels so shit for thinking that but I can't shake the revulsion at her behaviour(it would make more sense if I explained the type of things shes been saying but I can't do that as it would be really outing so isn't fair on her)
Ive just been so stressed with her... she talks so intensely often casually saying she's going to kill herself one minute then the nest raging at you because you've used a phrase she's interpreted negatively. I'm not alone in experiencing this from her, in fact a fair few of her other friends have completely stopped talking to her.
I just don't know if I'm actually helping her or just hurting myself... i sometimes think if it wasn't me listing to her shed just substitute me with someone else and it would make next to no difference to her.
I'd happily never speak to her again if I knew it wouldnt hurt her and she was somewhere happy doing fine... but I know that won't be the case if I stop responding she will want to know why which will inevitability lead to some kind of discussion where she gets angry or hurt. She's not someone who will just stop messaging you if you don't message her. Even when I didn't havea phone she would text my husband trying to reach me. So if I want to stop communicating with her I will have to actually say something.
Why is this so hard? I feel so guilty like I should be making the situation better but anything I say..and trust me I only say the most supportive or mildest things... she finds critoscism in unless I just parot back what she is saying to her... the trouble is I just can't recently because she's saying some pretty awful stuff I just don't agree with... in fact I really dislike how she is behaving towards some people and really disagree with her... and I'm angry... i think deep down I very angry with her but haveno way of expressing that as I know full well it won't change anything.

Has anyone dealt with anyone similar in their lives? I really don't know what to do going forward im just so tired of constantly worrying and thinking about her when i know I'm barely seen as a separate human being. It would be really useful to get some outside perspectives on this.

You sound so lovely and caring but honestly enough is enough. What about you and how you feel and your mental health?
To support someone for this long, and try your very hardest to make things better is more than a lot of people could cope with.

In the end, I think you have to face up to the fact that there is nothing you can do to help her. She is in a circle of negativity that can't be broken. And you are enabling this (this is not a criticism, there are millions of people who would give anything to have a friend like you).

Now, you come first. For the first time in 15 years, you must put yourself first.

There are plenty of brilliant suggestions on here as to how you handle it.... one call a week, firm boundaries, no calls, friendship drifts,... that i something you will have to work out. But please do it.

In in the past I have been involved in something similar and you have to take on board that there is nothing you can do ....

Thankyou for all the replies they have been really helpful!
Unfortunately last night I replied to her message asking about how I felt more honestly than I usually would. I literally only said a couple of sentences to the effect of 'i have found it quite stressful to be honest and you should probably talk to mental health professionals when you are feeling that way rather than your friends as it could put strain on your friendships'
Then I fell asleep but I woke up to pages and pages of angry defensive messages implying i was a bad friend..
And I know she only asked how i felt so she could tell me why that was wrong and what i should feel instead... so I snapped and blocked her number and blocked her on all social media without saying anything more.
Its not what I wanted, I acted in anger and it will probably upset her but I just need a break from it.

Everyone is right... anything I say even really mild stuff is just fuel for the fire.
I'm going to tell my husband that if she starts calling him I just dont want to hear about it... obviously its up to him whether he continues to communicate with her himself but I don't want to hear about any of it.
I feel pretty shit right now about it but I know you guys are right.... this was a very toxic dynamic and she does mostly just use me and it isn't actually helpful to her let alone me.

And I know she only asked how i felt so she could tell me why that was wrong and what i should feel instead

Yep. Ask about you. Listen to 10 seconds of you saying I'm OK but... then cut through that and drain you for hours.

Just think honestly you are not helping her. Take a break for yourself. You have been an amazing friend. And she sends you messages saying the opposite? How mean. She can't even acknowledge the hours and days of your life you have supported her.

Its not what I wanted, I acted in anger and it will probably upset her but I just need a break from it.

Good for you. Anger is your friend here. Anger says, hang on, actually, no - you don't get to treat me like that. Enough. No more.

I think what you said was kind and reasonable. Don't forget her response: pages and pages of accusations. Don't let self-doubt, guilt, or sheer exhaustion - or her, or anyone else who hasn't put up with all you have - make you think you've done anything wrong.

I have a little quote for these times: Feel the (false) guilt, and take care of yourself anyway.

@Roussette you are right its like she notices none of it... its actually horrible for her because I think she really means it, i think she can't see it when people care about her or try to support her at all...i think she thinks if they really did care about them she would feel ot and she would feel better... and she doesnt so it must be that people just aren't good enough. Its so sad because she's always going to feel like shit unless she realises its her who has to stop herself feeling like shit by actually doing some work on it and engaging with treatment that involves taking some part responsibility.
Sorry for banging on about this its nice to be able to talk about it.. obviously I can't inreal life much as it isn't fair on her to talk to anyone else about her mental health issues... but here its anonymous so it doesn't really have any impact on her.

OP, I have been in exactly your situation. I was incredibly close - too close really - to a very mentally fragile person for about 15 years. She had (has) loads of good qualities but her illness made her deeply selfish - and she used me - sucked me dry emotionally and physically. She was also more manipulative than I realised. e.g. calling me with a sudden suicide threat at 3am the night before she knew I had a really important job interview, so I spent the entire night taxing across London and trying to get her admitted to various hospitals, then being perfectly fine the next day and for months afterwards etc.
I made the difficult decision to drop her. It was painful for both of us. But what neither of us realised until I stepped away, was that we had zero interest in my mental health between us. I was experiencing a hell of a lot of the problems she was, but she got all the support. I was cast in the role of the carer and there was no space for me to dare to need a break or to attend to my own MH needs.

Ever since, I have been very wary of friendships that are too needy and emotionally demanding. It has been so lovely to develop friendships that are light hearted and supportive. You need this. You deserve this and you are not responsible for her happiness and good health in the world. She is. It should certainly never take priority over your own good health. Step back without guilt. Think of it not as abandoning her but as attending closely to your own needs.

If you want to be a bit clever about it, start leaning heavily on her. Make demands, monologue about your own state of health. She'll run from you and you won't need to be the one to make the break.

So it's done then, good.

What happens next is either she'll up the ante (more messages via different routes, asking mutual friends to get in touch, fake health diagnoses or suicide attempts, whatever) to suck you back in) or she'll drop you for a bit and then pop up in a few months, pretend this spat didnt happen, and try to pick up where you left off.

Be very clear with your dh that you dont want him being a go- between or to try and fix things up eg if she let's him know that she's suddenly been diagnosed with xyz you dont want to hear about it.

Good luck x

@Hickorydickoryspock you're spot on, I think. When I was ill, I thought that people could somehow cure me. And that if they couldn't, it was because they didn't care about me.

I pity your friend, it's a horrible place to be in, and it took me so long to get better. But not your place to heal her. She has to do that alone.

This is a crucial time and you have to be strong. I agree with a PP about the manipulation of people. I don't deny they are struggling but manipulating someone for your own ends whilst not even acknowledging how much they have tried to help, is awful.

Personally, I would contemplate ending the friendship for good.

YANBU. I was in this position years ago. I realise now that my friend was probably a narcissist. She needed constant support, threatened to commit suicide if I didn’t rush to her aid. She would hunt me down if I was out with other friends, insist I changed plans, it was constant. I supported her for years. It took a while for me to realise what was going on. She didn’t come to my hen night, said she was working (I now know this was a lie), left my wedding early due to a drama. Told an awful lie saying her neice was seriously ill so that she didn’t have to attend another wedding. Lies and manipulation, yet I felt I couldn’t part company as there was always this threat that she ‘didn’t know what she would do to herself’. I could go on and on, it was utterly draining.

She’s out of my life now. Of course I am the bad guy for for daring to stand up to her (actually it was my husband, but that’s a long story), but my life improved no end once she was no longer in my life.

Just to add, she never once acknowledged how much I did for her.

Sorry for banging on about this its nice to be able to talk about it.. obviously I can't inreal life much as it isn't fair on her to talk to anyone else about her mental health issues... but here its anonymous so it doesn't really have any impact on her

This is what MN is for and it's great to see so many supportive posts. You need to think carefully, get your head in order, and decide where you go from here. Sometimes you just can't see the wood for the trees and it needs 'strangers' to come along and offer some pearls of wisdom! Husband, family, friends are too close to the situation

My (ex) friend did exactly what yours has done - after a quiet few months where I'd simply not responded to her, I got pages and pages of messages about her, her life, how it was all going to shit and out of control (all the while not only refusing to engage with support but aggressively fighting it, not to mention the drug/alcohol problems that were obvious to anyone but her that were contributing massively to her situation and declining mh).

In her final paragraph she finally asked how I was, and I replied in one sentence that my dp had been diagnosed with cancer. Her response was 'so things are a bit shit for you too then'. And back onto her problems

Well yes, they were really shit for me. It was the last straw for me. I needed the emotional head space back, so I blocked her and looked after me (and dp).

Unfortunately things didn't work out well for my friend and it took me a while to work out that I was mourning the loss of what could/should have been s great friendship, and that I had no reason to feel guilty for stepping back from her to protect myself.

Muppetry that's awful. Hope things are better for you now.

Ah I see you e done it. Well done op. Like you, we hardly said anything, but as soon as my husband commented on her behaviour she was livid!

You sound like a very kind caring friend. But for your own well being you need to take a step back. I'd tell her the truth. You are feeling exhausted and need a break for a few weeks.

Please don’t walk away from your friend, she needs love and support. Then she will get better.,

Try to only reply to her messages every 2/3 days and maybe she will stop messaging so much. And maybe phone her instead?

Surely when you have been doing it for 15 years, with little difference made, you can step back.

It sounds like she wouldn't step back herself, given the OP said she would be contacting her DH, that is wrong.

Please don’t walk away from your friend, she needs love and support. Then she will get better
15 years of continual love and support hasn't worked. It's time the OP thought about herself.

As someone with Emotionally Unstable PD (aka Borderline PD) - I would say you need very strong boundaries and yes, if she can't stick to these you may have to end the friendship. If she was seeking help it would be different, I think. She can't help the way she is but that doesn't mean you need to deal with behaviour that could potentially lead to you having a mental break down.

EUPD (BPD) can be treated well with DBT as well as other therapies like Schema and Trauma therapy. But I think Narcissistic is much harder to treat. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

@popcornlover I was already doing that... i have her muted on messenger so I only look at her messages every couple of days when I have spare energy to reply to them... she doesnt actually have my phone number any more because of the amount of phone contact. I have in the past tried to gently speak to her about how some people find high levels of contact stressful.... but she wont acknowledge that she should change at all its like everyone else just needs to accept it... a problem is that I'm quite introverted and have an anxiety disorder anyway so I find constant communication incredibly tressful at the best of times.. i have tried explaining this but i think it backfired as she can now write it off that I'm the one with the problem and she isn't communicating too much its just my issue.
I do think this is the end of the road to be honest... shes been so deeply selfish this time and I have tried to steer communications back to mundane things tried to not say anything contentious... but its like she knows how to push buttons... i know she's hurting herself here because in a way pushing these buttons with people constantly is self destructive.. but honestly if you saw the content of this communication and how subtly insulting every single sentence is you'd understand how difficult things are.
Like I said I'm one of the last current friends still communicating with her but deep down I know she'll just swap her friends round till she finds someone else to absorb it... she's done this in the past.
I do love her... more than I like her, its like shes a family member.. but that love isn't helping her at all and it certainly isn't helping me. Because I can see plainly now that all I'm doing is allowing her to stay exactly the same.
And what really upsets me is that I haven't defended other people as much as I should have... shes said things about other good people and I haven't properly stuck up for them for fear of angering her even more... andim quite ashamed of that. I always thought it was more productive not to directly confront her and instead kind of flatter her or focus on the positives to try and get her to look at things more compassionately or have sympathy for someone else's perspective... but isee now that was a fools errand and all I've really done is back her up when in fact I should have categorically said 'you are wrong and this is not okay'

Sssloou has it. You've had a lot of good advice here.

If you're drained dry, you've nothing to give without it being at your own expense. You -have- to put your own mental health first here; you can only really give out when you're 'full' yourself, and the energy she is sucking out of you for no gain could be much better used elsewhere.

Your friend sounds like she's had such a hard time that she's been very badly damaged by it. In that situation people usually have two choices; either seek help (and hope that it will actually be there) or to think they're fine and it's everyone else. If she won't seek help, you could pour everything you have into her and more, and it won't be enough. My bio. mother was like this and she was an utter ruin and sucked my half-sisters and her husband dry before she died. The results haven't been pretty.

Sadly your friend is probably not unused to people stepping back from her.

Hickory your last post is so sad. It sounds like you have tried every type of approach, you have analysed what it's best to do, you have tried your very very best to support her but sadly... in this case.... there is nothing you can do to help.
It will never be enough. It will never be right for her. She will never ever think about you. She will never appreciate what you've done for her with supporting.

Don't feel bad about not sticking up for the friends who did support her. She has manipulated you into not doing that.
Today is a new day and a new start with this. Time to think of yourself.