To be a bit stumped by potty training?

[sunnyfields25]

Hi all

DS is 3.3 and I've run out of ideas for getting him to use a potty. He can and has used it on a few occasions, but most of the time will get emotional and distressed if I suggest he uses it. It's like he has an emotional barrier that we can't break through.

I've tried reading him potty books, buying special pants, having a potty in the bathroom for months so it becomes a normal thing, buying a trainer seat for the toilet instead, letting him see younger cousin using potty, talked about being a grown-up boy etc. Nothing has worked.

It's not that he can't use the potty, he just really doesn't want to. I don't want to force it as I think it'll turn into a distressing battle of wills. But equally I don't want him to still be wearing nappies in a year's time.

Does anyone have any ideas or experience of how to persuade a little one to use the potty?

Many thanks!

Unfortunately NONE of my children were even slightly interested in entertaining any ideas I had of training them at 3+ until I offered what a friend called "strong visual encouragement".🙄 AKA bribery.

She suggested chocolate buttons, lots of them in a fine big bowl....they need to be impressed with the amount!

Tell them they can have a couple every time the do the biz.

All 4 of mine hopped on the loo promptly. It was magical.

One of my daughters had nearly driven me over a ledge with her peeing everywhere......she just clearly hadn't been motivated to do it in the loo.

It took about 3 days for me to be convinced they all really had it.

Remember NO touching the chocolate until you see them hop up and go!

Good luck

We threw money at it. I let my son pick out some toys from the store. Which were then displayed in the bathroom (but out of reach). He earnt and lost stickers for using and failing to use the potty. Once he reached a certain amount of stickers he could get down one of the toys.

When my ds was potty training 17 years ago he hated the potty. My health visitor recommended a step stool and a golf ball In the loo to aim at. Worked first time, we even had glow in dark ones for upstairs 😂

Definitely no nappies at 3 years old, and not necessary to buy books on potty training, and not necessary to give rewards and stupid stickers and things.. I used to try my two on the potty shortly after they started walking, when about one year old. it was sometimes hit and miss, but after a few months it worked well for both of them. You have to stay calm with the child, and don't make a fuss, and I used to put the potty in the same little space all the time, and the child will get used to this.

I have been to houses, where the Mother will put the child on the potty, slap bang in the middle of the room, with family or others sitting around, so a very bad idea.

It's quite a big difference trying to PT a one year old and a three year old, though.

It sounds like the child is quite anxious about the whole thing in which case books (for the child) are a good idea so they know what to expect/what is happening, and if the child's anxiety is coming from the parent not being confident in their approach, a book is helpful for the parent because you can be more confident when you have a plan.

That said you can probably google the Oh Crap method/steps.

I have found the key with most parenting things is simply to be confident about them. If you are unsure, the child will pick up on this and feel anxious too. It's a bit tricky if you tend to have anxiety/low self confidence so it's a good idea to spend some time preparing for any change if this is the case. Keep reminding yourself that all children get there eventually and you don't know anyone who started high school in nappies. You have much more life experience and maturity than your toddler and you are absolutely capable of being their calm, confident leader through this process.

If you still feel anxious try to work through what you're worried about - accidents? No problem, pull out some extra trousers/shorts/pants (second hand bundles or doing it when they're between two clothing sizes is great for this), febreze/carpet cleaner, keep old towels handy etc.

Child being upset by accidents/failures? Be ready to be reassuring and matter of fact. "Never mind. You'll get it next time."

Child not co-operating/playing along? Give it a chance to work. If it's not working after 2 days, troubleshoot/problem solve - are they not ready, not sufficiently motivated, do they understand what you want them to do, is the task difficult - can you scale it back a bit?

Other people's comments/thoughts/judgement - avoid those specific people you are worried about for a while until you feel you're making enough progress you can retain that confident momentum about it. And/or prepare a response which you can give if anyone does comment.

I love all of the confident “just get rid of the nappies” replies. My son didn’t care whether he was wearing a nappy or not - he would piss or shit himself regardless. And then just carry on as normal. I was genuinely worried about getting him toilet trained before starting school! He’s a stubborn bugger. Am not saying the advice here is wrong - it may work beautifully for you - just that if it doesn’t work, it’s not necessarily because you are doing it wrong. And my son has been completely trained for a couple of years now - there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Reading this with interest! Our DD is 22 months and we started on the Oh Crap method 2 months ago. Probably too young in hindsight but wanted to give it a try while both at home in lockdown.

She is now potty trained for wee, except when totally distracted by something exciting, taking a revenge wee or randomly decides she doesn't care. Hates messing her clothes, especially in front of guests. So 80% success rate for wee at present.

Poo? Oh my god. All of them end up on the floor. She will sit on the potty, then run off and out it comes.

Any ideas? Do poo books help? I tried bribing with stickers, tried giving privacy and tried telling her thousands of times that poo goes in the potty but... nope. I think maybe the sensation is scary or something? She always comes and tells me afterwards.

Should I try the step / training seat next?

@RonObvious what eventually worked for you?

I’m just at the other end of potty training. So only nappies at night as a “just in case”.
We opted to start in May when my dh had some holiday to take so we could both tackle the accidents and mishaps together.
I took nappies away and put ds aged 2yrs 1 month straight into digger pants!
The first few days were awful with wee everywhere ! But we persevered and didn’t go back to a nappy because that would only have been easier for us, not him.
Chocolate buttons are a wonder and don’t last forever. He doesn’t expect one now.
Lots of praise obviously.
When you start going out and about I recommend “my carry potty” which is a sealable portable toilet that can be used wherever.
I really feel like with all parenting milestones, it’s 90% parents and 10% the child. Unless you are consistent they won’t automatically realise what to do.
3 months in and no accidents in the day including naps and car rides. Rarely at night unless we forget to lift a sleepy lump onto the potty before we turn in.
Sorry for the waffle, I know all kids are different. If you can stand to just make it the only priority for a week, I found that super helpful.

You've had some good advice here OP but I just wanted to address one of the early posters who told you to just do it in a similar manner to the way food is introduced, we just do it.

From the age of 6 months to approx 1 year food is a gradual process and the bulk of a child's nutritional requirements are met by breast or formula milk. Very specifically in the early weeks and months food is more of an exploratory sensory thing rather than a vehicle for nutrition.

And the point of me saying this is that potty training, like food, will be a gradual process and your child may decide to go for it when they are ready!

@MyOwnSummer I don’t think it was one thing - I think he just eventually realised that we weren’t going to give him his own way on this one! It was so tough though - especially as his nursery would just stick a nappy on him the second he had an accident. I would take the opportunity during the holidays to leave him naked below the waist and really go for toilet training (he was adamant about no potties!), but he would literally sit and wee himself, then try to deny he had done it. ‘Twas a most frustrating time - especially since we had his sister basically trained before she turned two, so we had believed ourselves to be experts!

I hated the Oh Crap book, I felt like it was very critical of me leaving it until he was over 2.5yo.

DS was very reluctant so he got a chocolate button for sitting, and then he did a wee a few hours later = a chocolate button and lots of praise. After a wee or so he stopped asking for chocolate, mainly because he saw his friends didn't get one and nursery didn't.

Poos took a bit longer but same thing, he got a little toy (pack of little toy cars divided up) for doing one.

Op with both of mine I potty trained over a long weekend. Both straight into pants, and shorts.
DS1 was about 2 and 4months. Was already doing the odd wee in the potty but wouldn't ask for it. I took the potty into the garden, and played in the garden most of the day. Few accidents, clothes into the machine for a quick wash and dried on the line. He got the idea within a couple of days. By the Sunday morning he carried the potty outside for a pee.

DS2 was 2 & 9 mths was a potty refuser. Day 1 he kept wetting himself and not a drip in either potty or loo, would hardly sit long enough. DH came home put the telly on, on the condition DS sat on the potty, and finally he did a massive pee. Must have been bursting. But after getting over that initial pee he got it I don't think he had many if any accidents the next day.

At 3 I think I'd skip the potty or use it for a few days just to get him into the hang of the idea. Then get him on to the toilet.

It's good weather and it's less stressful if they wet the grass rather than the carpet.

But I'd force the issue. Bribery, potty dance, whatever it takes. Plan a few days at home and go for it.

At over 3 years old, maybe the potty is physically uncomfortable for him to sit on. They are designed for younger toddlers. Try the toilet instead with a training seat. Much more suitable for a pre-school child. Make sure you get one that doesn't wobble around, so he feels safe (the Baby Bjorn one is good). Or perhaps a family loo seat:

www.dunelm.com/product/family-toilet-seat-1000075939

Wow thanks so much for all the replies! I wasn't sure if anyone would comment and there are so many handy tips on here.

It's such a relief to hear a few PPs have had similar issues because when everyone else's children seem to have been trained for the past year it does start to feel like we're doing something wrong.

There are some posts advocating getting rid of the nappies and not giving DS a choice. While I completely understand this would work for some children, DS is such a sensitive (and stubborn) little thing that it risks putting up an even bigger barrier to potty/toilet training. The last time I tried to put pants on him instead of a nappy, or leave him to run around naked, many tears ensued. I know if I persevered with this method it might eventually pay off but I'd like to find a gentler way of doing it that gets DS 'on board' rather than turning it into a battle.

Family toilet seat looks very appealing, I didn't know such things existed! Perhaps if he feels like he's using the toilet the same as us it would do the trick. Little toy/chocolate bribes could work too, we haven't tried that yet.

I'm off to make a list of items to acquire ready for our next attempt

@RonObvious

I love all of the confident “just get rid of the nappies” replies. My son didn’t care whether he was wearing a nappy or not - he would piss or shit himself regardless. And then just carry on as normal. I was genuinely worried about getting him toilet trained before starting school! He’s a stubborn bugger. Am not saying the advice here is wrong - it may work beautifully for you - just that if it doesn’t work, it’s not necessarily because you are doing it wrong. And my son has been completely trained for a couple of years now - there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Same the whole "just get rid of the nappies and put them on a potty" doesn't work for all kids.

My DS wouldn't even contemplate potty training till he was 3.2. I got a toilet seat with steps for the toilet from Amazon, and a urinal that sticks to the wall for downstairs (Amazon frog urinal potty). He didn't like traditional potties. I also wouldn't bother with oh crap, it is very soon mongering if you have a toilet/potty resistant child over 2.

OP dc1 was the same, he wouldn't wear underwear but then suddenly a few months later he wanted to wear them. We had gotten his favourite superhero themed pants which really helped (asda is your friend for cheap version of these for training) he declined a nappy one morning and wanted to wear them so that was the day I thought I'd start it. Lots of chocolate bribes when he did a wee and he went straight to the toilet. I recommend the padded seat with steps and handles. Also he never went bare bum as wasnt comfortable and preferred his pants, there wasnt many accidents and the whole experience was far easier because he was ready.
Honestly it is so daunting when you first try it but it was so much easier than I thought and not half the accidents I had envisioned.