AIBU or does being the background friend suck?

[Backgroundvicki]

I read an article saying how it's great to be the background friend. Aibu to say that the author is wrong and being the background friend is shit? And maybe a nicer term for mug?

Background friend problems:

1. Absolutely no consistency- invited to some events, excluded from others. Very confusing.
2. Getting the feels like a 12 year old- mainly because you overthink problem 1.
3. Nobody to ask to be your brides maid- planning that hen alone was haaard.
4. You're poor- because you spent all your money on the contributions to birthday/wedding collections even though everyone forgot yours.
5. So much tumbleweed in the group chat- because I asked to hang out and nobody replied.

Any other background friends out there?

www.stylist.co.uk/life/what-kind-of-friend-are-you-background-friend-twitter-thread/273394/amp

Errrrrrrr

There may be a good reason you feel like a 12 year old........!

Actually I disagree: I don't like the "background friend" characterisation because I see it as a positive thing.

Being too dependent on a single "tribe" is a bit stifling: it limits the capacity for independent thinking and growth.

I've got maybe four or five super close friends (the kind you can call at 4am) from different eras of my life and different tribes. I like being able to pick and choose people based on the intrinsic value of the relationship, rather than the value of the group.

Groups are fun, but they are often good for a particular time of your life and can become a bit limiting after a while and can stop you spreading your wings or changing your mindset.

Get some new friends, honestly. I have this with one group but since I stopped considering them as my main social outlet I no longer care as much.

It's hard to accept that you're not in someone's A team, but I agree that the sooner you find another tribe the better.

I agree, I perhaps care a bit less now I'm older but it still hurts not to be included even as an adult. Especially when the people doing things together are people you introduced but I guess it's one of those things.

I'm the background friend... I'm not the first choice to hang out with... Sometimes I get an invite, sometimes not. But I am the first one who gets called when they need help/support (doesn't feel reciprocated) which I think does make me a bit of a mug.

I had a group like this that I liked a lot, and were really central for a while, but ultimately moved away from as I didn't like the feeling it all gave me. Best thing I ever did.

Is this similar to being the 3rd / 5th wheel? I've had it when I've gone out with a couple (or 2 couples) and I've always been the extra. It can be awkward and undesirable to be that extra person.

I was friends with a girl who had a ‘girl gang’ type group. They did everything together, holidays, nights out, dinners at their houses and shopping trips etc. It looked amazing, their photos always seemed to be perfect, they were all gorgeous girls.

Then I was invited to go for a night out with them and I realised the whole friendship was based on looking like you were having a great time, rather than actually having the fun?

I don’t know if it was just those girls but now I’m older and I have a few friends who also have ‘other’ friend groups and I often feel left out and second best. Only invited to things when they want more numbers etc?

Is everyone in a group of friends actually that close? Do they ever bitch about each other? How do they meet everyone’s needs all the time? It seems exhausting!

I much prefer hanging out with couples or one friend at a time. I can give them all my attention, it feels less full on and I keep friends that I have things in common with, rather than just because they are ‘all in the group’

Thank God I have never been in a group. The only time my friends met was my wedding

What's the betting that the 23% who voted YABU have never been in that position?

I've only ever been a background friend, the one thats never the first choice to call, never in a very small group thing. And I think thats very, very different to being someone with some 'best' friends who then happens to be a member of a few groups. I've been the mug who would bake and decorate your party cake, organise catering at a christening, have your kids for the weekend, volunteer at your event etc etc because I thought that was what friends did for each other.
After events this year, no more. I'm embracing being friendless, and mug no more

The background friend describes me to a tee. Invited to some things, not others. asked to help with house moves, decorating, projects etc, but never reciprocated. My birthday forgotten, but asked to contribute and celebrate someone else’s 2 weeks later.

I think it’s okay if you have other friends you can turn to. In my experience though, I’ve been the background friend in every group. It hurts a lot, especially when you realise you have no one to turn to in a crisis.

I now keep people at arms length. The loneliness is easier to cope with than the feeling that you’re not important to people who are important to you.

I think this is on you sorry. If you don’t like the way others treat you, either bring it up with them or phase them out. In this circumstance, shit friends treat you like you as you allow them to get away with it. There’s no point investing “best friend energy” into people that only see you as an acquaintance.

treat you like this*

@OrigamiOwl

I'm the background friend... I'm not the first choice to hang out with... Sometimes I get an invite, sometimes not. But I am the first one who gets called when they need help/support (doesn't feel reciprocated) which I think does make me a bit of a mug.

Oh I feel your pain fellow background friend. It's sometimes difficult to see the difference between being a great friend or an absolute mug.

@CMOTDibbler

I've only ever been a background friend, the one thats never the first choice to call, never in a very small group thing. And I think thats very, very different to being someone with some 'best' friends who then happens to be a member of a few groups. I've been the mug who would bake and decorate your party cake, organise catering at a christening, have your kids for the weekend, volunteer at your event etc etc because I thought that was what friends did for each other. After events this year, no more. I'm embracing being friendless, and mug no more

I agree, there is a difference. If I had a best friend, I would not care so much about being the background friend in other groups. People from the different groups would ask me why I chose no bridesmaid for my wedding...I answered honestly which was that all my friends were equally important to me, which is true to an extent. But equally true I had nobody to ask 😂

You sound like a great friend btw!

@hairthrowaway thats so easy to say when you have better friends. Have you walked away from everyone?

I think this is on you sorry. If you don’t like the way others treat you, either bring it up with them or phase them out.

This. Be an agent in your own life.

It's sometimes difficult to see the difference between being a great friend or an absolute mug.

I think this is a fundamental misunderstanding which I see a lot on Mn. If you can't see the difference between being a friend and a mug, then you are likely to be a dyed-in-the-wool people-pleaser, which Mumsnetters suffering friendship problems often claim to be as though it's a kooky, but ultimately rather nice thing -- like they're just too nice for the cut-and-thrust of friendship. They give and give and bustle about being the shoulder to cry on and the giver of lifts and never saying no to any request, however unreasonable, and then they secretly resent the hell out of the situation for not bumping them further up someone's priorities.

Look, trying to 'buy' someone's friendship by letting them trample all over you not only doesn't work (demonstrably, or otherwise all the people-pleasers of Mn would be so popular they would never have time to post), but it also wrecks your self-esteem and puts off other potential friends because what would be attractive in someone who lets people she quite often doesn't respect or much like treat her badly, not just once but over and over again? Would you want to hang around with someone who continually let herself be mistreated?

It shows poor judgement and a lack of self-respect, if you think you have to trade favours for people to want to have you around.

@Hairthrowaway

I think this is on you sorry. If you don’t like the way others treat you, either bring it up with them or phase them out. In this circumstance, shit friends treat you like you as you allow them to get away with it. There’s no point investing “best friend energy” into people that only see you as an acquaintance.

I agree. In the past I broached it in jokey ways by posting tumbleweed gifs when I'd not here back from someone 😅 but I think from now on I'll put my best friend vibes elsewhere. I imagine I'll come across very needy by bringing it up seriously and would probably prefer no invite to a pity invite.

[quote CMOTDibbler]@hairthrowaway thats so easy to say when you have better friends. Have you walked away from everyone?[/quote]
Of course I haven’t, because people don’t treat me like this to begin with. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends like this in school but I slowly distanced myself after feeling hurt at not being invited to things and seeing their happy photos on socials etc.

It’s shit not having many close friends, but it’s a good time to channel your energy into you. Your work/hobby/education/self esteem etc. When people see that you’re doing well they tend to come crawling back!

I haven’t had a problem making friends since. I think it’s one of those “know your worth” situations and not settling for less.

Or at least recognise that a friendship may be one-sided, so go into it without expectations of reciprocal gestures so you won’t get hurt.