I want to understand my mother

[Alison421]

If you read my other post you’d realise I’m very passive and don’t confront anyone if behaviour is CF. I just had a conversation with my mother trying to understand her as she’s always telling me to let things go, be more easy going and stop sweating the small stuff - basically all behaviours that make me a doormat.

I have a very clear memory of being about 8 years old and my Aunty came over and getting into a fight with me (she always did this up to the point where I stopped contact 5 years ago). She was calling me “little fat, ugly bitch” and my mum was just sitting there saying nothing. I asked my mum just now “why didn’t you ever stand up for me and tell her not to call me names”. My mum replied “because I’m mad”. I tried again and she repeated it. She constantly does this when I try to understand her she just says any sentence repeatedly until I end the call in frustration.

Before the AIBU bluntness people start saying “grow up you’re an adult! You can’t blame your mother anymore”. It’s hard to break cycle when all your life this is what you hear. To be honest it’s only been recently that I realised I’m a doormat, prior to this I thought people who argue and always fight are just like characters in Eastenders! I know there is a difference now between assertiveness and aggressiveness but it’s going to take a while to change my mindset. How can I understand my mother without cutting contact with her like I know I really should?

You have had a very damaging experience. You are still experiencing the effects of the damage. Your Mother is not able to offer you any explanation. It's very sad that this is so, it's hard to accept because it's natural to expect your mother to help you. The good things are that you recognise that this is not right and that you are looking for help.

OP, there is really good thread in Relationships called Stately Homes. It’s for people who are from dysfunctional families. You’ll find lots of support there.

As for your mother (and your aunt)I have no words. Spiteful horrible woman.

It’s not you OP, it’s them. Don’t try to understand your mother, any good mum would stand up for their child.

💐💐💐

You don't need to understand her to do what's right for you. If she doesn't want to be understood, there are no magic right words, however assertive, to make her reasonable and explain things to you if she doesn't want to. It's natural to look to the person who was there for all your life for explainations of your past, but in the end she's only a human being and sometimes human beings aren't interested in helping others. Let her go.

Thank you all for your messages. I know I need to let her go and I should but instinctively I always reach for her in times of need. I don’t know why I haven’t learnt that she doesn’t have my best interest at heart. I just need to keep reminding myself.

Unfortunately we don't all get nice parents. It is a parent's fundamental role to protect their child but some people, like your Mother didn't. Other's like my Mother have narcissistic traits and actively try to pull their children down. The only thing you can really do for yourself is understand the issue and accept that it happened and that you can't change them or history. Your M won't ad,it that she was at fault neither will mine. Mine would swear that she never did any such thing! I know I can change that behaviour so don't bother banging my head against that brick wall. I have limited contact and a fairly superficial relationship and I've decided that that is the best thing I can do for myself.

Sometimes there is no understanding, only acceptance. But you have to work though the hurt to get there. It's awful, and I'm sorry. Your DM obviously wasn't able to be a proper mother to you, for whatever reason.

You'll only ever get denial tactics like,I can't remember ,or stropping &aggression & also gaslighting like 'youre twisting it' IME with my Mother. Just because she won't go there doesn't mean it didn't happen,but she doesn't want to admit her failings as a Mother. Counselling will help. I know some acknowledgement us what you hope for but accept it won't happen & put yourself first in future because she never will.

It's probably stating the bleeding obvious but surely she is that way for precisely the same reason you are that way: she was taught to be that way by the adults around her when she was a child.

It seems to me her explanation of "because I am mad" is a bloody good explanation. Bad mental health.

You are much younger than her with all the resources here available to you and yet you find it hard to understand yourself and find it hard to break the cycle.

Believe what she says. She is not a sane normal person, which she phrases as "I am mad." Accept it and move your focus onto how you will break the cycle so in thirty years time it isn't you saying "I did it because my mental health is terrible" to someone important in your life.

Your auntie sounds aggressive and bullying. Do you think your mother might have been afraid of her?

If you read my other post you’d realise I’m very passive and don’t confront anyone if behaviour is CF.

It seems to me you and your mother are very similar in this regard. She is incapable of dealing with confrontation as well.

I know I need to let her go and I should but instinctively I always reach for her in times of need. I don’t know why I haven’t learnt that she doesn’t have my best interest at heart

It almost sounds like when you're under stress, you subconsciously recognise that you might feel more secure if you knew your mother had your back, so you keep returning to her to give her another chance to prove that she does, and she keeps letting you down.

It's far easier to delude oneself into believing that one day the person in question will behave in the way you need them to than to accept that one's relationship with them is subpar. But it's important to realise that you can't control other people's behaviour - you can only control your own reaction to it.

I would ask yourself what you're trying to achieve by seeking to understand your mother's behaviour. I wonder if you feel the need to understand it in order to justify it because that's easier than accepting that she's treated you in a way that hurt you and made you feel let down. The idea that this is probably some big misunderstanding and there must be a rational explanation is far more appealing than facing the harsh reality of the situation.

Having gone through something similar and having gone NC with my folks recently (not sure whether temporarily- I just need some headspace away from their unhelpful 'noise' and my own facilitating reactions to it so I'm taking as long as I need), I would recommend having a break from your DM.

It's a fool's errand to try to understand your DM - the real value lies in understanding yourself as that's the bit you can apply to all your relationships and can really benefit from as a person, whereas trying to understand your DM's behaviour will only lead to further pain and disappointment.

Centring your DM means your own feelings will always come second - it's one thing for your feelings to come second in your DM's eyes, but do you really want them to come second in your own eyes? Honestly?

You are not, nor have you been, used as a doormat. But you do need to learn to stand up for yourself as your mother seems pretty useless. Sh should have had your back no matter what, at age 8

Stop being passive and learn some tactics to adress your mum. That or cut her out your life. But you cant stay passive and have her in your life