Farming widows

[thefarmlife]

DH is an arable farm worker.

This time of the year is very busy.

I often hear from him what a great team he works with, how hard they're working etc. I don't doubt this as they work very long days 7 days a week.

However, I am often left feeling a bit peeved at how the support at home is forgotten about.

Without the wives /partners / mothers at home, these men wouldn't be able to work the hours they do. We don't live in the 1930's anymore and most farming wives also work too so now we have full time jobs and 100% responsibility for running the home and looking after the children.

And yet I never hear any appreciation for the supporters of these men (and yes they are nearly always men) who work for 14 hour days in our case and then don't have to lift a finger at home. Often he ends up sitting down before I do and yet he seems to think I have less to do 🤔

Without someone at home to do the washing, cleaning, shopping, childcare, cooking etc how can anyone work a 100 hour week for months on end?

And yes, we can get a cleaner but there's still hours of day to day stuff that needs doing when you have a family.

Is this an outward rant (as in there isn't recognition in the media, on here etc) as to the role of partners and wives in arable farming?

Or is this something you'd rather your DH acknowledged and if he did everything would be better?

Have you spoken to your DH? Does he get how you feel?

To be fair it won't just be farmers working punishing hours and never lifting a finger - either because they can't, or won't - to do anything household or children-related.

I suspect the wives of Fairly Non-Descript Office Worker Types have it too.

I guess the farmer at least has a real job and a genuine reason to be working long, manual-labour hours, though, so I have more sympathy for that situation.

If he can't change it, then... I dunno. Is it appreciation you're after or can you think of some more practical ways to get some help?

This is tough. I'm assuming that his work is very seasonal, it's not 14 hour days all year round?

DH has a very full on job in term time - 6 days a week including Sunday with one 24 hour period off in the week, which he usually ends up working through or sleeping. The other days are literally 24 hours, working until 11pm and then on call all night until 7am the next morning. However he gets huge long school holidays (like nearly half the year). I also work nearly F/T and make a similar-ish salary but pro-rata.

We deal with it by outsourcing as much housework as we can, I take primary responsibility for the kids in term time, and he takes primary responsibility in the holidays unless I have also taken holiday in which case we are both there together for the kids.

In our house we think of it as taking 50/50 responsibility for kid and house stuff - just instead of 50/50 on a daily basis, we do it 50/50 across the year.

So basically what I'm saying is - can you do that? Get him to recognise that while he does these 14 hour days in this season, you are happy to support him by carrying the house and kids but you expect this to reverse between x and y dates when it's quiet?

I suppose I'm having a bit of a moan for two reasons. One is that OH doesn't acknowledge my contribution despite me asking him to. We have rowed about this several times over the years.

Secondly I feel the farming community just expects it and women seem to accept it.

I think women married to office workers / any other type of workers who too support them to enable them to do their job probably get more credit by society.

Perhaps making food is still seem as the ultimate job at the expense of all else?

OH is ok the rest of the year at doing a bit more at home.

The farming community is one of the most conservative and sexist in the UK. A lot of the younger generation grew up with a mother who didn’t work and did everything at home and it hasn’t occurred to the majority of them that to expect the same from wives, who now also have to work full time, is completely unrealistic. Farmers/labourers/contractors do work incredibly hard but there is very much the mentality that the only thing that matters is the farm and the wife’s job is largely irrelevant (although usually financially critical).

Honestly, there’s not a lot you can do. Most of them won’t change. The best you can console yourself with is that the only thing they will cheat on you with will have four wheels and a baler attached to the back!

That's the lifestyle you have both chosen. Unless you are prepared to split the farming and domestic chores.

It's just one of those things I think. The guys who used to cut the haylege on our fields would work through the night when the weather was dry, nip home for a few hours sleep and then on with the next job. A marriage in this industry is exactly like a 1930s one and I don't think people outside of farming appreciate the extreme hours, but if the the man does 18+ hours of manual work in this heat he will just want to go home to collapse - fair enough If you have a full time job too though, it's really difficult.
With modern equipment there is no reason a woman couldn't be doing the arable work too, so could you consider this to split the load at work or home?
In this industry you are very much working as a team and if you acknowledge the long hours he works then he should give you the the same courtesy.

I know a lot of farmers wives and this time of year I see a lot of picnic teas in fields, a can't beat them join them approach I guess. It sounds like your issue is that he's not taking your comments on board and recognising your contributions?

I remember my parents having very few rows (which doesn't mean they didn't, just didn't do it in front of us usually, so I don't know if they did row much or not.) I was about 17 and we went to see Dad at the grain dryer, where he was just unloading a trailerload - possibly to pass on a phone message about a grain lorry being stuck at Southampton or something. I stayed in the car, so couldn't hear all the conversation, but Mum ended up in tears, shouting she might as well have been a single parent. I do remember thinking, Dad was a farmer when you met, you knew what farming was like, and what you were getting into. Also, by that age, I was spending quite a lot of the school hols in paid work, so as far as I was concerned (because 17yos know everything,) didn't need any parenting, other than the odd lift when I couldn't get somewhere in my bicycle. Nonetheless, it made an impression on me.

My harvest memories are of picnic teas with Dad in a field half-harvested, and of walking to the other end of the farm to see him at the grain dryer, where he showed me how to the moisture meter and so on. Mum's were probably more of extra laundry because Dad got so dusty and was too tired to wash before bed, and hardly seeing him in waking hours for about 6 weeks - or worrying about the weather if it was a rainy summer. And fielding calls from grain lorry drivers, because no one had mobiles then.

It is just accepted, because how else do you do it? Harvest is a very intense period, dependent on the weather and the culmination of everything you've worked for. So over harvest, you probably have to live with it. Mum used to gets to help with housework once we were old enough, and once she was working full time did have a cleaner. I remember spending days at friends' houses when we were little, which seemed a great treat to us children, but I assume was actually juggling childcare and work. I don't know how housework was managed on top of it all when we were small though.

I think it's different for the wives of farmers (as opposed to farm workers), because yes, you are pulling together to run the whole business as a team. You may well see the benefits of all that hard work paying off as extra profits. Although often that has to be shared to extended family too who may have had minimal input so that's a different issue that people have to face. It also means your time is likely to be more flexible at other times of the year.

If you are the partner of a farm worker, you won't see those extra profits and "chipping in" with the business isn't an option. Workers are still expected to work the rest of the year albeit with holiday entitlement. But without the women at home, the workers couldn't commit to the hours they do at harvest and make the farmer his profits. The post harvest meal out and pat on the back doesn't even include the wives. They have contributed too in a different way.

OH is ok the rest of the year at doing a bit more at home

Is this "doing a bit more than me" at home, or "doing a bit more than nothing at all"?

I really feel for you. It's hard when it's so all or nothing. I have friends who are like "I don't know how you do it" and I often say "with immense difficulty"!! It's fine if one partner is massively full-on in some parts of the year and does zero at home in those parts as long as you are satisfied with a clear understanding of the division of labour in the other parts of the year and it feels fair across the year. But it has to feel fair to both parties!

In our case, we outsource housework all year round as well as having our "jobs" that we do all year round that are about 50/50. In term I do 100% of child logistics and wife-work. In holiday time, he does 100% of child logistics and wife-work. In my 5 weeks of holiday when he is also on holiday we split everything 50/50, including childcare and wife work.

This has taken many years to sort out, with lots of long detailed and often tense conversations about it, as well as taking shared parental leave where he was SAHD for 2 months and did 100% of everything so he knew exactly what needed to happen at home to keep the wheels from coming off. And we still haven't always got it right, lockdown has thrown a spanner in our delicate balance and we're still feeling our way back to normal without either party feeling hard done by...it's a work in progress!! But being able to sit down and talk about it is key...but unfortunately the busy times are the least amenable to that conversation. You may have to wait until after this busy time is over and then discuss how you need him to support you now, and steam off to the office (possibly to your laptop in the spare room, these days...)

He does a bit more than nothing the rest of the year, in answer to your question 🙄

The post harvest meal out and pat on the back doesn't even include the wives. They have contributed too in a different way.

Aw that's shitty. That's such a simple thing that whoever organises the meal could include you. And then do a toast to the wives. We get this every term and a bunch of flowers too. I know military wives are the same.

Without someone at home to do the washing, cleaning, shopping, childcare, cooking etc how can anyone work a 100 hour week for months on end?

If he didn't have a wife, he wouldn't work less, he'd just do without everything on your list. (I'm making the simplistic assumption that no wife means no children.)

Often he ends up sitting down before I do and yet he seems to think I have less to do

Why are you focusing on him recognising what you do, rather than pulling his weight?

Lockdown - because I'm not bothered working hard and doing what needs doing. I am bothered by being taken for granted and not being respected for my contribution.

And yes, the kids would live on takeaways and the dog would never be walked, House a filthy mess, bills unpaid etc etc if I didn't do it all.

Farmers wife here aswell 🙋 I completely understand were you are coming from. DH works 6am-10pm most nights and currently is 6am well into the next morning as he has to get grass in. He hasn't seen the kids in 3days. Never takes holidays and works every special occasion.. But he still does washing up, Will prep breakfast before he leaves and if he sees im running on empty he will take the kids to his parents or mine so I can get some sleep or time to myself.. I knew what life would be like before I married him so I can not complain.

@Viviennemary

That's the lifestyle you have both chosen. Unless you are prepared to split the farming and domestic chores.

I’m not sure how my boss would feel if my DH farmer turned up at work to do 50% of my day! Farming, all be it with long hours, is his job/life, my job is my job.

Home and our family is hours and he doesn’t and should get an opt out because he drives a tractor!

*ours not hours