AIBU to ask for your tips on Anger Management

[ShopoholicIn]

Hello All,
I need help to control my anger. Please can someone give any pointers that I can use to control my anger. I am very short tempered and would calm down in a minute or two but that one minute I am angry, I am rude. No name calling or swearing just upset... I want to be better for my kids n family..

Sorry i thought i had deactivated the voting..

Hi OP

What's brought this on? Has someone told you you have anger management issues? Do you lash out disproportionately or just "feel" extreme emotions for a minute or two?

Step 1 . Write down when you get angry. And what set it off.

Is it the actual thing that just happened that made you angry or is it bottled up anger.

Treat the cause from your anger.

Removing yourself from a situation helps.
Screaming in a pillow helps
I sometimes look at puppy videos. Just ao that they instantly can make my smile even though i am angry.

But do find the source of your anger.

@Sparklfairy Hi it's self realisation that I need to.change my ways. I lash out at what seem to be silly things and totally not worth it after an hour or so.. I feel pathetic at my behaviour but by then the damage is done as I would have spoken rudely to my DH n he is the kindest person on earth but when I am rude to him, with no fault of his own, he would not talk to me for days.. he doesnt deserve bad behaviour nor do the rest of my family. N this is what my kids will learn as well which scares me the most

@Yeahnahmum
Thanks for your response. The list is a brilliant idea. Will definitely follow that. It's both - things bottled up, and the immediate thing that upsets me. I have thought of taking each day at a time.. it's a tick if i have been a better person that day.. There is a definite issue with things bottled up and not all of it can be fixed. But I will start with the list and will watch pics or videos of my kids as that is what I love. Thanks again

You are super welcome 💞

You've already had some good advice but though you may also find this helpful. I couldn't link directly to the 'controlling anger' section as they open as P.D.F's.

www.selfhelpguides.ntw.nhs.uk/somerset/

Try reading The Chimp Paradox by Stephen Peters.
I have/had similar issues to you, and this made me see the reasons behind my behaviour more clearly, and enabled my to deal with them.
I also now do yoga every day, which helps a lot.

Do you exercise? The hormones it releases (sorry, brain fog this morning) don't just last during the time you're exerting yourself will help you feel more calm and on an even keel in between sessions. Poor explanation but I hope you can understand what I

Can you be more specific on what you do when you're angry? It says in your OP that you don't name call or swear just get upset? Do you shout or something? And then your husband won't talk to you for days? That sounds like a strong reaction from him to you being upset?

@ShennaIsAPrawnCracker Thanks a ton for the link. I have downloaded the pdf and started reading it ..
@MaMaLa321 I have ordered the book now. I used to do yoga but I think I need to learn meditation as well.

@somedayillbesaturdaynite I have restarted exercise recently as the weather got better n now my DC2 is 6 months. I agree that exercise helps uplift my mood immensely. I have just started walking/ jogging but need to calm myself down.. I am looking into mediation as well. I used to do yoga a lot but haven't done it in last 2 years.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie I just get upset an start shouting trying to proof that i am right. He doesn't like arguments he is usually a very calm person.. but since he is never rude and to no fault of his own , if he gets shouted at.. it takes him time to be ok again.. maybe 2-3 days depending on how things r..

Get the book mind over mood.

If you're starting out with meditation, can I suggest guided meditation (try meditation vacation channel on YouTube). I play them when I'm trying to sleep and my mind is racing. Find a voice you like, male tones soothe me more, and one would reflect your happy place (in a secluded cabin, on a beach, somewhere nordic). This one is a pointless story about lavender. It took me over a dozen attempts to get to the end before falling asleep. My mood trigger is not sleeping enough (insomniac) so it might not be as relevant for you but it's unbelievably calming!

What really helped me was taking evening primrose tablets with starflower. Orange box from Boots and takes a while to notice a difference. It made me feel calmer when usually I would get angry. Lots of great advice above but this was what made the biggest difference for me personally.

I find the whole "wait three seconds before speaking" thing does work but my God, it took me years to learn. I'm better at it now.

I always try to envisage me and my husband against a problem, not against each other.

I also think a lot about how silly other people look when they lose their temper. It's never a good look and it made me realise how bad my behaviour was.

When you say not all your bottled up things can be fixed...I'd say that's not necessarily true. You can't erase the past but you can come to terms with most things. Holding onto the hurt makes it hard to stay calm.

You could look into transactional analysis. The book "I'm OK you're OK" helped me so much.

It's also important to still be able to express anger but there are healthier ways than yelling. My husband is the exact opposite and has developed depression as a result. So he's learning to get more angry and I'm learning to get less.

When I was going through the menopause I had such awful rages that I thought I was losing my mind, I'd always been quite gobby but realised I was becoming worse but i didn't fancy a trip to the doctor to be dosed up with some pill or potion to calm me down so i looked into remedies of a different kind. I chose acupuncture and the change was immediate, I calmed down and stopped flying off the handle if somebody/something pissed me off. My life has improved so much I wish I done it sooner. That was 9 years ago and I've not lost my temper since then and life is a lot easier for me and everyone.

Not being tired will help. Regular sleep patterns, no late nights.

@somedayillbesaturdaynite thanks i have tried some youtube videos in the past to learn meditation but somehow it never worked. I will try this one now. Thanks again

@zeddybrek wow i never thought primrose tablets can have such an impact. will look into it. TA.

@HopelessSemantics Wow great thought that its you n hubby against the problem.. I think its me vs him that goes i n my mind .. I have done the "wait three seconds rule" or "count to 10" and it does work sometimes.. just that I forget about it mostly.. and recall it when its too late.. Thanks for the tip. I have ordered the book you suggested.

@BeautifulWomanI could have never imagined that Acupuncture can help in such a case I dont want to go to the doctors as well, but if the above doesnt work i will look into Acupunture. Thanks. xx

@noss Yes good point i am not doing that atmo. I do wake up tired n moody. I think i need to reduce the screen time majorly. That delays my sleep and i dont get a good night sleep as well.. thanks xx.

Good luck Shopoholic! Your attitude, being so receptive to suggestions and trying is refreshing and impressive. I have every faith you'll succeed.

Really deeply understand how damaging your behaviour is to the people you love. Don't try to minimise or disguise it in your own head or get caught up in your own feelings of self blame and guilt. Focus on the reality of what YOU are doing to THEM.
Just as important is to deal with your underlying stress/anxiety/fear levels. Learn how to spot when they're generally running on 'high' because it's easier to get hijacked by your temper then. What needs and feelings are you having and how can you deal with the needs and feelings in a better way than yelling?
It took me a very long time but I managed it. It can definitely be done and life's better all round when you've beaten those temper tantrums.
Good luck.

I'm so glad it was helpful! It is so hard to get on top of, but you'll get there.