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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend who changes when she gets a new DP

14 replies

DilemmaADay · 12/08/2020 21:10

Less of an AIBU and more of a 'has anyone else experienced this before'

I have a friend who has never liked to be single, has been in and out of long term relationships since we were teenagers. Whenever she gets in a new long term relationship it's pretty much radio silence from her. Texts will go unanswered for weeks, she will be busy all the time with new DP, and will be pretty much off the grid.
Then things will calm down 6 months or so later, she will go back to normal and be better at keeping in touch. Things will go tits up with the DP down the line and we will support her. Then the radio silence will start up again....when we finally get in touch again turns out theres another DP on the scene shes infatuated with.

Ive been trying to see this friend for a while now and am getting a bit fed up of the blanked messages that shes read and not responded to.

Does anyone have a friend like this, and how do you cope with the feelings of rejection and hurt? This is one of my best friends BTW.

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 12/08/2020 21:23

If she has lived her whole life like this, it's you who needs to rethink your boundaries. She has shown you who she is- if it's not making you happy then maybe its time to move on.

Original poster

DilemmaADay · 12/08/2020 22:09

Yes, I struggle establishing boundaries and being 'the bad guy' so you're not wrong there troll.

OP posts:

mne13 · 12/08/2020 22:16

I have a friend exactly like this!
We text every day or at least talked always met up on a weekend, she found a bloke during lockdown (I haven't met him) and I have had the same with her...texts would take hours/days to reply, doesn't want to engage in a conversation and when we have met in my garden she has literally been desperate to leave to see her new fella even though it was supposed to be a drinks and nibbles afternoon!

I've now decided I'm not making any arrangements with this friend, will reply but won't message first and see how that goes!

It's just so disappointing but friendships shift that's how I see things.

TisConfusion · 12/08/2020 22:31

Yes I have a friend like this. She is never content with being single and when she’s in a relationship our contact is reduced - except for when she’s having problems with her boyfriend! What annoys me the most is that she never seems to want to meet up when she’s in a relationship as she has to spend every minute of her time with her boyfriend and couldn’t possibly meet with a friend instead!

Original poster

DilemmaADay · 13/08/2020 08:36

It's strange behaviour isnt it, I'm glad its not just me. I dont know why it really irked me

OP posts:

Burnthurst187 · 13/08/2020 08:45

I "used to" have two friends like this. If a group of us went on a night out and one or both came I knew that they must have been single again and I was always right

When they were single they would be out and about always, start seeing somebody... gone. Never to be seen or heard of again until they're single again and up they pop

I don't see either of them anymore, I got fed up with this behaviour

C130 · 13/08/2020 08:48

How are you being the bad guy? Just step back, she is not going to change her behaviour. Change your response to it, or keep going on the way it is.

Palavah · 13/08/2020 08:50

Yeah, you need some boundaries. Stop trying to contsct her, consider leaving it a while when she gets back in touch. She's not behaving like one of your best friends.

notanothertakeaway · 13/08/2020 08:54

You can't change her, but you can change how you respond. Be less available. Find new friends. Don't be at her beck and call

Grapewrath · 13/08/2020 08:55

Yes I have a friend like this who only ever reaches out when it goes wrong.
More to the point, she has this bizarre habit of becoming the same as whichever boyfriend she is with. The last one was into MLM so she was all over that on social media. The latest is into fitness so of course she’s now a nutrition and lifting guru. It’s really cringe worthy to the point I’ve taken a huge step back

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 13/08/2020 08:58

Dump her, she's a user. When she gets in touch after the next one disappears tell her to fuck off. Sad twat.

showmethegin · 13/08/2020 10:16

I have a friend like this. I've know her since I was born and from the age of 15 she was exactly like this. She lost her personality to theirs each time and had a knack for picking arrogant bastards.

I backed right off and only replied when she text me which was rare. We are 32 now though and she found a really great guy who encourages her to see her friends and has made such an effort to get to know me and my DP and I finally have her back! I'm so glad as I love her to bits.

I'd just back off OP and she might come back to you one day; she might not but if she doesn't you haven't lost anything anyway.

Dobbieslovechild · 13/08/2020 10:22

Yup. I have 2 friends like this. I’m always there to pick up the pieces when it goes to pot. But if I need them(and they’re in a relationship) nothing. Too busy as they’re with their boyfriend. Pisses me off. I’m less available to them now

Mamadoll · 13/08/2020 10:36

Agree with PP that she is a user. Your 'friendship' is on her terms only. I had a friend like this and since I cut her out 10 years ago, I haven't had to put up with the whirlwind of drama everytime something had gone wrong, which was often. I was just a sound board (or more like a bitch board) and then she would disappear again until the next time. I wasted too much time and energy on this emotional vampire, only realising when the shit hit the fan in my life, and where was she? Fuck knows 🤷‍♀️

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