First time properly away from baby

[Chubbybaby]

My partner is going out with his friend on Friday and I can't help but feel shit about it. I'm so jealous about everything he gets to do. I was really down the other night and after I put my son (5mo) to bed he said he was going down to the bar and I got so upset about it. It's his dad's bar which is permanently closed so he just went down to play pool. He usually spends his evenings on the play station. I don't hang around much after I've put baby to bed. I told him how jealous I was tonight and he said we should sort out a night out for me. Not necessarily a night out but a few drinks. I feel like night time is such a no no. He has never put the baby to bed and I just can't see how it could work. Not only does he feed off me before bed, that's his comfort. (he's not great with a bottle) I know how to shush him and how to tap his bum to help him sleep. I feel so trapped. Then when I see baby, I feel so guilty about wanting to have some freedom. I know it's all normal. I just don't know how I'm ever going to get any freedom. During the day I wouldn't feel that worried about leaving him. But then it would have to be at the weekend because of dad working so I'd miss out spending time with the three of us and then to top it all of my money situation is a huge problem. Even if I could go out I wouldn't be able to afford it. I've been so off since he told me he was going out. I don't want him to feel bad for it, but then I want him to feel how I feel! It's worth noting that ive left him with the baby a couple of times during the day for no longer than two hours. I know this is all my fault. I'm such a control freak and like to do everything my self. I should have pushed him to have more involvement with bed time. He didn't push for it either. I love breastfeeding, I want to do it for at least a year, but then I suppose it has its draw backs when mum (me) wants some down time. I know we could do something about it, gradually get dad more involved with bed time. I just know it's going to be hard work and I don't want anymore hard work!

Just really wanted to rant and hear other people's experiences.

Feed baby to sleep then go out? Jealousy isn't a good thing to let fester, it quickly turns into resentment. Also mum guilt is a big thing. You'll find yourself feeling guilty every time you have a choice. As far as I know it never goes away

To be honest, my DS is nearly 5 and I’ve only been out at night about 3 times since he was born. I breastfed him until he was nearly 4 and I just always wanted to be there at bed time. But I never felt trapped by this, it was my choice.

When they get a bit older they don’t need to be fed to sleep as much. My DH just kept DS up a bit late the nights I went out and he just naturally conked out. But I tended to go out for lunch as this suited us all. Maybe that would be a better option for you. You might miss some family time but it would be good to get a bit of time to yourself. You could start with an hour or two. If your finances aren’t good maybe meet a friend for coffee or something similar.

There's a lot going on here.

First, you need to get your partner involved in day to day care e.g. bedtimes. If only because it's a way to foster a healthy bond between them too; aside from bf your partner can gradually learn the bedtime routine alongside you, then move towards alternative nights or whatever works. What would happen if you were ill or unavailable? It's scary enough if you were hospitalised but more so if your baby has never been cared for 1-2-1 by his other parent.

Second, you are right to feel resentful; it sounds like your partner's life has barely changed since becoming a dad, while yours is unrecognisable. Putting some balance back into the baby care will reduce that feeling.

Third, everyone manages money differently so it depends what your setup is. Personally we pool every penny and there's no way I'd be happy, as the highest earner by far, that my partner couldn't have any small treats out... But we're married. And have the same approach to spending, roughly. What did you agree in terms of financials when it came to planning parenthood? Your earning potential is massively impacted by having a child. What was your agreement on it? If you didn't have that conversation, you need to. It's at least 14 months too late already.

I managed to go out for a meal and drinks when my baby was 5 months by getting her to sleep before I went and then anything after my DH would have just needed to manage with rocking her back to sleep etc. I completely get where you’re coming from but my experience with my now 3 year old and 6 month old baby is that when my DH or mil have done bedtime they have found ways to soothe them to sleep.