To feel like I've had enough?

[TickandSired]

Name change for this, as is very outing if anyone I know IRL reads it.

I'm really feeling like I've had enough of everything at the moment. I'm sure IABU but have nowhere else to vent.

I'm mid menopause, on HRT which is helping. DS is 13 and just hitting teenage angst - he is really hard work at the moment. He constantly wants something - usually that costs at least £100 plus and drives me mad going on and on and on about getting whatever it is. When he doesn't get it he gets really stroppy and angry. I know most of this is teenage crap.

He is an only child, not through choice - I had 4 pregnancies in total and he was the only one that made it. I had terrible guilt for years that I couldn't give him a sibling but came to terms with it. Recently he has been very stroppy that he is an only child and has given me a hard time about it. He has been lonely in lockdown - we live very rurally so he can't just pop out in the street to see friends (not that he could in lockdown anyway.) And he now seems to be suffering with anxiety attacks which are very draining for him and me.

At the beginning of lockdown he decided he wanted a pet snake. I said if he saved up for it he could get it (not believing he would save the money or stick to that idea - he is always saving for something and then changes his mind.)

DH said no snake in this house. DS devastated. I said to DH - it will never happen so just let him fantasise.

He saved his socks off, DM gave him quite a bit towards it and suddenly 2 weeks ago he had enough money to get everything he needed and the snake.

So I took him off and we bought the tank etc. DH said I want a proper lock on the tank and I'm never going in his room again. Fair enough.

Got the snake, all good. DS over the moon - very good at looking after it.

DH now really moody, if the snake escapes he says he'll kill it. He says he doesn't want to be in the house anymore because of it. Now tells me he has always been absolutely terrified of snakes (although I have seen photo evidence of him holding one and seen him hold one once IRL)

DS now beyond anxious that something will happen to his snake. He's had a major meltdown most days about something seeming irrelevant but when I break it down with him it always comes back to something awful happening to the snake. He has also apologised to DH for bringing a snake into the house, to which DH said he'll just have to learn to live with it.

I've got my own issues with DH anyway and in the back of my mind can't see our marriage lasting forever. We seem to have grown apart over the last few years, never really go out together - he doesn't want to. We only have sex if I initiate it and I haven't bothered for the last few months, he hasn't tried or asked me if anything is wrong. I have tried talking to him about the lack of sex over the years but he won't discuss it, we even had counselling years ago about it and it didn't really make any difference. So I have accepted that for the time being this is my life. I go out with my friends whenever I want to so I'm not sat at home. But it would be nice to go out as a couple every now and again, and to be touched/cuddled.9

DH doesn't really have any friends that he meets up with, he's still in touch with quite a few old friends but not socially. He does a sport and has lots of 'acquaintances' through that, although due to Covid that is all on the back burner at the moment.

Anyway, I just feel like I've had enough of him moaning about the snake. DS alternating between major meltdowns and anger and 'it's not fair'. DH just gets angry with DS which of course adds more fuel to the fire. Today I've had an hour of anxiety meltdowns with DS first thing, then DH comes home from work grumpy because he feels he is ignored by other managers in decision making (I'm sensing a theme here), but not prepared to stick his head up and say anything. Then DS going on and on and on and on about wanting a £300 pool for the garden - we don't have a spare £300 to spend on one even if we wanted to. DH moaning that all DS ever does is want more. And then back to moaning about the snake. The snake that is teeny tiny, is in a locked vivarium, in DS's bedroom. Only comes out from one of it's hides at night. It's not a king cobra it's a baby corn snake.

I've said to DH that if I'd honestly known how much it would bother him I would never had let DS get it, but to be fair DH didn't really make it that clear how bothered he was. I just wish I could get up and walk away from it all right now.

If you've got this far - thank you for reading, I know IABU and I should just LTB , but I needed a safe space to vent!!

Oh @TickandSired life's too short for this! Unfortunately teenagers are just as you describe, but your DS does not deserve to be made to feel anxious like this. It's unfair. Imagine living like that.

I'm not a LTB mumsnetter, however it sounds like you are just delaying the inevitable and torturing your DS in the process.

Thanks @StormzyInaDCup - if I thought it would make DS any happier I would go - but he would be truly devastated by it. I'm hoping that getting back to school and hopefully some of his hobbies will help his mental health. There is fab support at his school and I have contacted them today to get the ball rolling for September.

I'm just biding my time really, things will either improve between DH and I or deteriorate. But I have accepted things are the way they are between us for now. I have a job I love, plenty of friends to do things with, and DH isn't abusive in any way - if he was I would be gone with DS in a flash.
I just need to keep DS on an even keel for the next 5 years or so. It's quite sad really but do-able.

I dont know who is right or wrong or if there is a right and wrong, but i know 100% i could not be in a house if there was a snake or a rat in it

Keep the son. Return the husband.

@isadoradancing123 that is absolutely fair enough - would you make that crystal clear to your family if one of them wanted either as a pet?
If DH had done so I would have not allowed DS to get the snake. I feel really bad about it - but I also think waiting until DS had spent his money was maybe a bit too late?

Your son is already picking up on your unhappy marriage. His mental health might not take another 5 years. Staying together for the kids is never a good idea.
If you split as amicably as possible I'm sure you'll see an improvement.

OP I cant advise on your marriage but it seems you are drifting apart.
However my ds had mh problems as a teen including bursts of anger and anxiety/self harm. What really helped was having animals to look after. We started with a baby corn snake and ended up with 15 different types (I m great with reptiles).
He ended up talking to lots of different people irl and in reptile keeping groups and it really gave him a reason to keep calm (snakes dislike vibration ie slamming doors) and build a worthwhile hobby.
A word of warning please make sure viv is not only locked but has no possibility of escape (ours did through a little gap. Really fast and difficult to find. Under sofa cushion in the end).
I think your DH is awful to threaten to kill it if it escapes so hopefully that was an empty threat.

Why did you say yes to the snake before it had been discussed as a family? That was a mistake IMO

@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep

Why did you say yes to the snake before it had been discussed as a family? That was a mistake IMO

I agree it was a mistake - we had discussed it beforehand and agreed to let DS save up, in the belief that it would take a long time and that he would (as he usually does) lose interest in the snake idea and move onto something else. He saved the money much faster than even he had imagined and we talked about buying the vivarium including DH and he didn't say I meant what I said in May I don't want a snake in the house. I should add that a couple of weeks before this DH helped DS to catch a grass snake which DS kept in a home made vivarium for a couple of days and then released back into the 'wild'.

And DH has said several times "I'll just have to get used to it, it just happened so fast."

I wish DH had put his foot down, but I am beginning to see a pattern now (when I listen to DH moaning about miscommunication at work) that he doesn't push his point of view. I can't believe it's taken me 16 years to see it, but it's now starting to dawn on me that lots of things that have happened in DH life have potentially been down to not being assertive enough. I'd even go so far as to say I think it's a behaviour from his childhood.

So I do feel at least partly to blame that I didn't say outright to him that this was his chance to say absolutely no before we went to buy it, but I think I didn't because I know if I was that anti about something I would make it crystal clear, so I guess I thought he would do the same.

I'm beginning to think that the snake has highlighted all that is wrong in our relationship.

I'm now considering going to the CAB for advice on any benefits I would be entitled to if we split so that I could afford to rent somewhere for DS and I (& the snake!) to live.

As a pp said DS's mental health may not last another 5 years.

OP your H sounds like a nightmare. My ex was just the same, would never speak up for herself, then she’d simmer and finally explode. I had to end the relationship in the end because she was taking it out on my DS, which I was absolutely not putting up with. If an adult can’t say what they think and want then it is there issue to deal with, not everybody elses to put up with the fallout.

I don’t think this environment is going to get any healthier for your DS.I think your wait and see approach will not end well so I’m glad you’re going to look into your options. It’s not fair for your DS to live in fear all the time and it’ll turn him into a nervous wreck, and you’ll be a nervous wreck dealing with it all. If you’re both in a state then it’ll make it much harder to do anything about it, so your best option by far is to grab the bull by the horns and sort things out sooner rather than later.

You’d be amazed how much more relaxed it feels not having a ticking time bomb in the house. It’s really corrosive living with the constnt feeling of what have I done now/I’m sure s/he isn’t happy but s/he won’t tell me why. It’ll drive you both mad, but by the time it has it’ll be so normalised you’ll just accept it as normal. Don’t get to that stage OP, it’s awful. Now I look back on my relationship with my ex GF and wonder why I ever put up with it.

Poor DS. I'm sure we all have memories of how hard it is to be a teenager at times during normal times, let alone having to deal with lockdown. I really sympathise and MH particular for young people, is a huge concern.

Your DH is being a dick - it's a bloody snake. Amongst other things he should be teaching your son to overcome irrational fears or at least show some tolerance. What he's doing is completely unfair.

I think you're right that this issue is highlighting the cracks in your relationship. Looking at your options is definitely a good move.

I wish DH had put his foot down, but I am beginning to see a pattern now (when I listen to DH moaning about miscommunication at work) that he doesn't push his point of view. I can't believe it's taken me 16 years to see it, but it's now starting to dawn on me that lots of things that have happened in DH life have potentially been down to not being assertive enough.

This was exactly what struck me in your posts, particularly in the snake affair in terms of how it matched with your DH 'feeling ignored' at work. In my experience, this kind of ingrained whiny passivity kills a marriage slowly but entirely.

A friend of mine who's just got divorced was exactly like this -- and he'd probably learned it from childhood, yes, but it didn't make him any easier to live with when he would never make a decision or take up a firm stance on any issue, however big or small, because that would then mean he was responsible for the consequences of that, and felt people would 'blame' him if it turned out badly (again, work as well as home).

So he dithered and was (deliberately? strategically?) unclear/indecisive until it either forced his wife or a colleague to make the decision, or something transpired because no action had been taken, and then he invariably whined because he would have done things differently, or the decision was forced upon him.

Ironically, and uncharacteristically, he ended the marriage himself, and part of his 'reasoning' was that marriage and two children via IVF had not been his idea, but his wife's, and he'd been pressured into it.

Which was, to an extent, true in that he'd been in a LDR with his ex-wife for the best part of ten years without any move to either end it or move closer/move in together/marry, so she proposed. Ditto with having children. He dithered about ttc after years of marriage, and then, when it became clear it wasn't working and they were already older, dithered about exploring IVF.

He simply does not own his own decisions. He was always pressured into everything, and is deeply-self-pitying about it. I think his wife had forgotten there was any other way of living, and while the split wasn't her idea, and I think she was heartbroken, she's had a new lease of life since he moved out and is visibly enjoying life, whereas he is sitting in his house, presumably feeling grateful that no one is making him own decisions like what to make for dinner.

Much as I hate snakes, I think you'd be happier if you kept the snake and got rid of the husband. He sounds draining.

DH said no snake in the house

So he did say it, and the OP overrode him. Yes maybe he should have been more emphatic but he made his feelings clear.

He said it, but then went along with the ‘saving and it will probably never happen’ idea, and there’s no suggestion the purchase was carried out without his knowledge, and then he’s saying he wants a lock on the tank and is never going into DS’s room again.

What a horrible environment for everyone to be living in

@Porcupineinwaiting

DH said no snake in the house

So he did say it, and the OP overrode him. Yes maybe he should have been more emphatic but he made his feelings clear.

Yes I did override him - but honestly I did not think he was serious due to following conversations/events.

What I have realised is that he thought saying no months ago when it was just words was in his mind enough. If I was that bothered about something I would be continuing to say no and at the point of getting the vivarium I would have put my foot down.

I can see that this is my fault, I just wish he would communicate with me about it, and as a PP said try to show DS how to overcome or live with fears. I don't believe DH is truly phobic due to the fact that he has held snakes before, if I thought for one moment he truly was phobic then I would have explained that to DS right from the word go.

I feel shit for having allowed it to happen, but DH has to take some responsibility for it too. And he isn't, he's being moody and sulky and making DS feel anxious about something that he really loves.

Anyway it's not a standalone situation so I need to put my big girl pants on and take control of mine and DS's future.

Your husband sounds like a right twat. He threatened to kill the snake and now your son is having anxiety attacks over something happening to his snake?

That's fucked up and i do think that is abusive actually. The snake could have been a great opportunity for your child to have something to care about and look after. It could have been a really positive experience for him but your dick of a husband has absolutely destroyed that now. Plus the fact you're not happy and there's no intimacy and he can't be bothered to even talk about it - get this emotional leech out of the house.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam - I can't get him out of the house as it's a part of his job so it will mean DS and I leaving. You're right it is abusive.

I think your dh is gas lighting you. He had ample opportunity to say no. He had ample opportunity to tell you he had this non existent phobia. He didn't say no. But now he's rewriting history to make it seem like he did, so his behaviour (which is appalling) is now your fault. And you seem to be accepting that because you feel so guilty. You haven't got anything to feel guilty for. Both of you agreed to your son getting a snake. He now wants to make it appear that he didn't.

So, just wanted to come back and say that things did improve with the snake and DH has stopped behaving in such a child like manner about it.
DS is still anxious about something happening to the snake but nowhere near the levels previously.

I am still thinking about leaving DH. He has no idea. I just feel like since I stopped initiating any kind of touching, kissing, intimacy between us that I've been left with sharing my home with someone.

I cannot see any point in trying to discuss it with him - if he wanted to kiss/cuddle me he would have made some sort of effort - or even asked me if I was ok.

So my thinking now is to start getting my ducks in a row so to speak and sort out finding somewhere to live.

Could do with a handhold from someone else who has experienced similar please?

I wouldnt have got the snake without everyone being on board. you dont just do that.
I think your son Is spoilt and behaving like a brat. Exusing this as teenage behaviour isnt on. He knows if he tantrums and pushes enough he gets what he wants. This needs to be dealt with.
As for your dh- you seem like you will leave at some point.

Am I the only one feeling for the husband in this scenario? He said no snakes in the house making it quite clear how he felt and was ignored/overriden because son wanted a snake. You all carried on regardless and now he is uncomfortable in his own home which he has limited outlet from but yet it is his fault and is responsible for a split?
There’s clearly other issues and I wish you well if you choose to move on but in this scenario I really feel bad for your husband.

@RoseTintedAtuin I think you're in the minority and if you bothered to read the update you'd see the husband is fine now. Best of luck OP

Not sure if the last two posters have read the entire thread, or even just your posts, but I think not.

🤚🏼All yours for the holding of.

You're doing the right thing getting your 'ducks in a row' & finding somewhere for you & DS to live/ what benefits you're entitled to etc. You're in a loveless marriage and it's not good for YOU, and it's not good for DS (or the slithery one)

Yes, teenagers can be annoying, demanding and right now (especially) anxious but living with this underlying tension is not good for any of you.

DS can still go and stay with DH if he wants to

DH does seem to need some help with life, but that can't be your responsibility

I haven't done the same myself, but plenty on MN have over the years and I've not once heard anyone say they regret it, quite the opposite posting about new & exciting lives they couldn't have predicted.