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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to hate my dad for getting back together with his ex-wife? (long post, sorry)

8 replies

digitalgirl · 03/10/2007 10:35

They split last year after she'd spent most of their 7 year marriage stealing money from him, stealing his credit cards, pawning their children's jewellry and using the money to call her boyfriend, friends and family in the philippines (£80 a day mobile phone habit). He increased the mortgage by an extra £60k to cover all the debt she accrued. She'd 'left' the home several times, once when their 2 year old son had a broken leg. He finally filed for divorce last summer when she stole their sons' necklaces for the second time and pawned them. The week after she flipped and beat up their eldest son (6 at the time) so that his face was covered in bruises.

They spent last summer at my house where me and my husband looked after them for five weeks to protect them from their crazy mother (who we suspected would try to abduct them as she was very unstable at the time).

We also found out that she'd been working as a prostitute. Despite demanding custody of the kids, she refused to find herself a job where she could get a flat and have a stable home for the kids to visit (once things had calmed down). Instead she eventually found a job as a live in domestic and stayed at friends houses on the weekends that she was granted supervised contact.

During the past year, me, my husband, my sister and my mum (his first wife) have all rallied round to help make it as easy for him as possible so that he wouldn't crumble from the stress of looking after two young kids. He even tried to get back with my mum at one point, which she was willing to do (even though she'd divorced him for being such a monster to her during their marriage) - for the sake of the 'family' being re-united. I'd helped find him a solicitor, helped him fill out all the forms he needed to, found him an au-pair (and paid the agency finder's fee), even hired a private detective to gather evidence on her prostitution so he would have a better chance of getting custody.

After doing everything we thought we could to get him back on his feet, he's complained that no-one's around to look after the kids on the weekend and needs his ex-wife for this. But I've since found out that he's not only seeing her on the weekends, but she's been in the house, in his car and god knows what else. I've already told him that if she gets pregnant again he's lost everything.

He's let everyone down and he's let that poisonous bitch back into our family. I want to cut him off, but I feel like I'd be letting my brothers down if I do. I'm ttc at the moment, so also feel like I should just let him get on with it and concentrate on my own future family (and deny my unborn children their useless grandfather).

OP posts:
mishymoo · 03/10/2007 10:39

I really feel for you to be in such a terrible precidament (sp?). Don't really have any advice but just bumping this for you in the hope that someone comes along with good advice!

Carmenere · 03/10/2007 10:44

God his self esteem must be in his boots I have no idea what you can do practically but he must realise that she cannot be in his dc's lives. She is unpredictable and violent and has criminal tendancies. He has to be strong for his dc's, they are vulnerable, they need protecting from their mother. Is she much younger than him? Does he realise that he is just a meal ticket to her? God men are so stupid sometimes. I really feel for you it must be hell.

digitalgirl · 03/10/2007 10:59

I knew all throughout his marriage to her that he was being foolish, but from the start I maintained that it was his life to mess up to live. But when he finally accepted help from me last year I thought he'd realised that it wasn't only him that was suffering but the children. After a year of them getting used to living in a house without arguments he's bringing her back. I wouldn't mind if I thought she'd changed and now had their best interests at heart, but I don't trust her. And now I can't trust him.

OP posts:
contentiouscat · 03/10/2007 11:02

I guess he loves her, all you can do is keep telling him he deserves better hopefully eventually he will come to his senses.

How horrible for her children to grow up with a mother like that - if she bruises them again personally I would get the police involved that may bring him to his senses.

CrushWithEyeliner · 03/10/2007 11:07

I think SS should be involved if they are not already - hitting the little boy to the point where he is bruised is dangerous abuse. She sounds like she has lost it. I think the children need to come first here.

digitalgirl · 03/10/2007 11:14

We got the police and SS involved at the time, the day she did it my dad went to report it to the police (he was worried she'd go first and blame him). They got SS involved, SS said they were happy that we were dealing with it i.e. the boys were living with me temporarily and he'd applied for an injunction to ban her from the house and from unsupervised contact with the boys.

It's been over a year since it happened, and he's just started allowing her unsupervised contact - which I think they'd see as only fair, until she loses it again. I know it's good for them to be getting on again. It's the fact that she's not done anything to set up a home for herself that makes me suspicious, like she's not bothering because she knows she'll be living with him again.

OP posts:
AnguaVonUberwald · 03/10/2007 11:20

Does he realise that if he gets back with her, he could loose the children? Especially now that all her problems are documented.

iliketosleep · 03/10/2007 13:23

how could someone beat up a 6yr old boy ffs

send the demented psycho hoar down here ill show her what its like!

grrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrr

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