Two years ago my emotionally and financially abusive husband attacked me when I tried to leave. While he was being held in police custody, I fled back to my hometown ~300 miles away with our 8 month old baby, who is now 2 and a half, and such a happy, wonderful child. We live very near my parents, who have been an endless source of support. The divorce was handled with a solicitor paid for with legal aid thanks to the local domestic abuse support charity.
When I first left, he was messaging my mum to try and arrange a visit to our baby. I was an absolute mess, emotionally and psychologically, and I told my mum on no uncertain terms that we could not facilitate this and she needed to block/delete his number immediately. He sent a present for DC's first birthday to my parents address - I was still in shock and suffering immensely with my mental health at this point, and when I saw his handwriting I nearly died; to me it felt like him saying "I know where to find you" IYSWIM? I text him saying to never send anything there again, and if he did I would report him for harassment, then threw away the SIM card and got a new number the next day.
I'm still struggling, some days are fine, others are a total fucking mess. I'm awaiting treatment for PTSD. I feel such IMMENSE guilt for not allowing my child's father in their life, all the time. But even if I did, I don't see how this could work? He's over 300 miles away. He can't ever know where I am, because of the horrible threats he made. He has not, as far as I know, tried to make contact since the birthday thing.
At the same time, what's the future? DC is going to start asking soon where/who his dad is. What do I say? "You do have a daddy, but he's very, very far away. Once upon a time, he had a very poorly brain and did something terrible and so mummy can't contact him anymore because she's afraid"? Would that even make sense to a toddler? How do I do this? Also, the father has two other children who he lives near to. So unbeknownst to my DC, there are estranged siblings. This is such a mess and I just don't know how to clean it up.
YANBU = you're absolutely right to maintain no contact. Stay strong.
YABU = you need to do everything you possibly can to reinstate contact.