Feeling hurt

[Willowmartha1]

My darling sister died four years ago, when she knew she was dying she said would I look out for her son (he was 29 at the time) as I have always adored him. Four years on and we have no contact, he lives up north and we are down south. I always remember his birthday and Christmas with presents and cards and try to reach out but don't get anything in return. His dad met a new woman soon after my sister died and they are planning to get married. My nephew keeps in touch with my cousin who is his god mum but never gets in touch with me or my brother his blood family. My mum (his grandma) is ill with dementia but he never gets in touch to see how she is and has told my cousin that he feels she has already died, quite hurtful. In essence I feel like I am flogging a dead horse and that we have been airbrushed out of his life and don't know whether to carry on sending birthday and Christmas gifts. He is getting married next year and we have all been invited which surprised me but I do feel very hurt. I promised my sister I would look out for him but he is a grown man now!! AIBU??

I’m not surprised you are hurt. I guess his grieving process may have somehow made contact with your family too painful? As you have always adored him I would keep in touch with cards, texts etc occasionally and definitely attend his wedding. In time he may come back to you in some way.

If you email or message him with a direct question,‘how are you?’ does her even reply?

@MatildaTheCat yes I feel I should carry on for my sister. He's notoriously bad at responding to messages (me and my cousin joke about this all the time !) and doesn't do social media, he is always incredibly busy, works abroad a lot too. On the rare occasion that I do hear from him he is loving and sweet but I don't know if it's that sincere to be honest.

I know it isn't nice when someone doesn't reciprocate but I would hang in in there longer. Maybe until after he is married.

Do you communicate by phone, text or email? Maybe he prefers one way over the other. Could you have a group whatsapp set up to include you, your brother, cousin, him, his dad?

I'm sorry about your mum. Try not to be hurt by what he said about her. It may just be his clumsy way of expression because she isn't the vibrant person he remembers her as. You may be so close to her that you don't pick up on small changes in her which appear massive to those who see her less frequently.

Was he that close to you (I don't mean vice versa) before your sister died? If not, it might not be that surprising, or even if so, as people grow up they often grow apart.

Regarding your mum, I'm sure he didn't mean it hurtfully. Just that the person he knew is no longer there, and getting in touch would not be for her benefit if she doesn't remember who he is, anyway.

It might also make him feel more upset about his mum, being in close contact with either you (since you're her closest relative), or your mum (since she's also dying).

He obviously does value you if he has invited you to his wedding, and is nice to you when you are in touch. But different people want different levels of contact with family, and it's just unfortunate that in this case there is a mismatch between what you want, and what he wants.