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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fed up with DP working from home?

29 replies

Rainallnight · 12/08/2020 11:19

And there’s no end in sight.

I’m an accidental and temporary SAHM. DP working upstairs and full time since the beginning of lockdown.

I’m fed up with it. I’m fed up of the home being a workplace and having to shush the kids when they’re tantrumming.

I’m just fed up of DP being here all the time. I’m fed up of her lunch mess in the kitchen and her being ‘too busy’ to tidy up after herself.

I’m fed up with her coming downstairs at the end of the day full of work stress, with no commute to process it.

She’s fed up with me letting of steam about the kids being naughty if I see her on a break between meetings.

I really really want her to go back to the office. (Though of course I want her to be safe).

Anyone else?

OP posts:

Willowblue40 · 12/08/2020 11:27

@Rainallnightim
Not in the same position but don’t envy you!, sounds stressful and lonely

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2020 11:28

See, this is why I will never understand people saying how WFH is so good. It might be for the worker, but this is the reality for a lot of families. And its even worse when there's no spare room

Original poster

Rainallnight · 12/08/2020 11:29

Thanks for the sympathy! I just needed to let off a bit of steam.

We are very lucky to have enough room. It would be a lot lot worse if she was at the kitchen table, I recognise that.

OP posts:

AriettyHomily · 12/08/2020 11:30

I'm WFH for the forseeable, DH is a teacher so he's at home now. Kids are older so they're generally ok but my god he needs to go back to work! He's used to me not being here during the holidays and I've got used to him not being here and we are rubbing each other up the wrong way.

How people work with their partners I have no idea.

Original poster

Rainallnight · 12/08/2020 11:33

@AriettyHomily, I’ve thought the same about working together. Nightmare!

@Willowblue40 Ironically, yes, it is very very lonely, despite there being another grown up in the house all day. My mum died towards the beginning of lockdown and it’s been the loneliest I’ve been in my whole life.

OP posts:

Cornishmumofone · 12/08/2020 11:36

What kind of lunch did your partner have when she was at her workplace? Could you replicate that now (e.g. prepare sandwiches the previous evening) so there's no lunch mess.

At the end of the day could she agree to go for a 15 minute walk before spending time with the rest of the family?

Is there any flexibility in her hours so that she could start earlier and then have a longer lunch break or finish earlier so that you can have some time out?

Sparklesocks · 12/08/2020 11:36

I think it’s understandable - combining working and home life is difficult when you’ve got young children and need to manage everything under one roof. And as a couple annoyances about each other become amplified when you’re both home the majority of the time.

It’s ok to be frustrated!

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2020 11:39

I’m so sorry you lost your mum

I’m fed up of her lunch mess in the kitchen and her being ‘too busy’ to tidy up after herself.

This is completely unacceptable. She wouldn’t do that if she was having lunch in an office. She’s saying she thinks she’s too important to clean up her own mess and you’re not so you’ll do it for her. That’s properly shit. She’s saving time on commuting and at least some of that should be going into the family.

When are you both getting time off/out? You both need to manage your offloading better, you with the kids and her with work stress. Maybe have a designated time to each have 10 minutes once the kids are in bed?

frustrationcentral · 12/08/2020 11:43

Yep it's driving me nuts too. DH has been at home since early March, we set him up a desk in our room but it means I have to be up, showered, dressed and got anything I might need during the day out of the room by 8.30am. So all washing that needs doing etc. Luckily our children are older so no tantrums, but the occasional shouting at friends on the Xbox and listening to music. So I'm very conscious on the noise levels.

The one positive thing that came out of it was the boys and I escaping for a few days last month and not having to worry about who would look after the dog

Witchend · 12/08/2020 11:43

There's a group of us planning vevolution if our dhes decide they're working at home permanently.
They will drive us crazy.

I'm doing my best to encourage dh to go back by not tiptoeing round him. Apparently his team think the washing machine song it plays at the end funny.

I think we shall call our group
Go away O
Get organised and work at your office

Boom45 · 12/08/2020 11:48

Oh God yeah. I wfh anyway and I have a lovely little set up in the corner of our room that I now have to share with DH. Hes going to be at home until at least December. Hes just come downstairs (I'm on leave this week for the childcare) to complain about the noise of lawn mowers and cars etc outside. Like I can help?? And his IT doesnt work properly so i need to somehow make the wi-fi magically better. And i am never alone. I need some time alone occasionally. Grrrrr

Ratbagratty · 12/08/2020 11:52

My dh wfh permanently, he has to accept it is the kid's home and that does not trump his work. When there are tantrums, he tries to support me if available or he shuts door and uses noise cancelling earphones.

At lunchtime he helps me prepare everyone's lunch, then we clear it up before he goes back. Sometimes he gets time to play with kids or squeeze in another job.

Totally agree about the work-dump at end of day. I think a pp suggestion of 15 min walk / activity sounds good and I will suggest this to oh too!

Your DP has to realise that this is a home not an office.

Werk · 12/08/2020 11:55

Sorry about your mum

I feel the same. DH works in the living room and we are stuck in the kitchen diner, the garden is tiny. I have to try to keep the DC quiet. He comes out from time to time to get food and will comment on the "success" of my day based on how noisy the DC have been. He also berates me for letting them watch too much TV

He had to go into the office the other day and it was sheer bliss.

Rhayader · 12/08/2020 11:59

We have the same thing except were a family of 5 (with a newborn) in a 2 bedroom flat in London. DH works in our bedroom but he’s working 100 hour weeks at the moment so I can’t even put the baby to bed at a normal time or for naps - I have to keep her in the living room with me with 2 other kids. Fortunately we do have a small garden which is better than many around here.

It’s a blessing that I am on mat leave right now because before i was working too as well as home schooling /and/ I’m a key worker responding to the virus (central government) so it was v stressful.

DH has put his name down on the list of people to go back into the office in September and of 120 employees he was one of only 5 to do so. Everyone else will be going back from (at the earliest) January.

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2020 12:05

@Werk

Sorry about your mum

He had to go into the office the other day and it was sheer bliss.

Is this permanent? Because that absolutely isn't fair on family life

Emancipated · 12/08/2020 12:13

Consider yourself lucky... my DP is at the kitchen table!!

I have to facilitate quiet crossings for three kids from the living room to the garden and back again about 50,000 times a day. The only route is through the kitchen.

I’m losing my mind.

Werk · 12/08/2020 12:18

@Nanny0gg hell, no, it isn't going to be permanent. We are looking to move if DH has to WFH longterm. He needs an office. Preferably at the end of a very long garden.

rosiejaune · 12/08/2020 13:57

There could be a compromise long-term, between commuting to an office, and working from home.

If you have local offices that anybody can use, the organisation running them would be paid by each employer, or self-employed person who wants to use the space, but it would cost less than running their own office. So people can go to a workspace near their home instead, as and when they need to.

Some could be reserved solely for specific workers if they need to be there full-time, some could be hotdesking spaces, some informally shared between two part-time workers.

So you'd need less office space overall, and there would be minimal travelling.

TumbleBingQuack · 12/08/2020 14:09

I have no advice OP but a lot of sympathy!

I'm lucky to be back in the office and DC in childcare 3x per week, but DP is WFH until at least Christmas and it's driving me mad. She's trying her best but there's no divide between work and home which means I spend most of my evenings alone while she logs back on to her work PC after DC are in bed.

You're right about it being v lonely

RhodaDendron · 12/08/2020 14:15

Hello my people! Same set up as @Rhayader. It’s grim. 35 degree is not helping!!

UnfinishedSymphon · 12/08/2020 14:20

DP was furloughed for 3 weeks at the beginning of all this, I've never wanted to kill him more. I was WFH (still am) and from getting up in the morning he'd switch the TV on and watch the noisiest shit ever back to back, he didn't do any of the jobs that needed doing, he'd constantly shut the dog out so she'd coming mithering me - it drove me insane. I've never been happier that the day he went back to work. I feel for you all, if it had been any longer I doubt we'd still be together....or he'd be dead!

welcometohell · 12/08/2020 14:48

DH is WFH and this is likely to be permanent. I work term time only so am off with the the DC at the moment, one toddler and one 7yo. They aren't allowed to go and pester him when he's working and the older one knows that if she wants to play in her bedroom she can't be too noisy as DH's office is next door, she needs to shut her bedroom door if she wants her music on etc. But I don't "shush" them when they're downstairs or in the garden- DH just shuts his door or wear headphones and accepts that some background noise is inevitable. I'm not going to make the DC tip-toe around in their own home and he wouldn't expect me to. This is a family home first and foremost. DH's job is very busy but he still manages to clean up after himself in the kitchen when he makes lunch, and he usually makes me some lunch too while he's at it which is nice. If he was leaving a mess for me to clear up every day I'd be thoroughly cheesed off! Your DP is taking the piss there.

We are lucky that DH has a home-office though. If he was working in a communal area of the house like the living room or kitchen like some posters on here i'd find that really difficult.

IrmaFayLear · 12/08/2020 14:54

Dh is much better in himself since ditching his long daily commute.

Howeeeeever, he is always here! Throw grumpy teens into the mix and there have been a few spats. I think one needs a country estate in order to do wfh, let alone lockdown, well.

Pumpkinnose · 12/08/2020 15:13

Both my DH and I are wfh in stressful jobs with 2 kids here to look after. Sounds like your DP is not behaving considerately but it sounds like bliss to only have one of us working in the house. We have no home office.

SamsMumsCateracts · 12/08/2020 15:23

I'm fed up with my DH being here all the time too. I work term time only, and from Sept just one day a week because of covid childcare issues. My word am I looking forward to it though. It's the summer holidays, but I feel like I can't sit and relax in my own home without comments from DH about housework, or doing more, despite the fact that the housework is up to date, dinner is in the oven etc etc. I feel like my actions are under constant scrutiny. He's talking about applying to work from home permanently, which is very doable in his career, but I'm dreading it.

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