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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contacting ‘long lost’ relatives

15 replies

Shiverywinterbottom · 11/08/2020 22:57

I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want to be linked to previous accounts.

My mother was looking into her family history before she past away last year. She was adopted. She discovered that she had a half sibling and found them on Facebook but was too scared to get in touch for fear of rejection.

I want to look further into my own ancestry and follow up on my mother’s side, I also have other reasons (which I’d rather not disclose) for wanting to do this.

WIBU to contact my mother’s half sibling? Has anyone ever done this? What did you say and how did it go? Part of me also fears just being blocked but then part of me thinks I won’t know if I don’t try. Has anyone been contacted by a long lost relative? How did you feel?

OP posts:
Isthisthehilltodieon · 12/08/2020 21:24

I helped my DM contact 5 of her half siblings a few years ago.Parents all on all sides had died, so that was not a factor.

I simply sent en email to one of her half siblings explaining who my mum was and included a bit of backstory. I was very clear in the email that I was aware it was an intrusion, and if they would prefer not to pursue things we would totally understand and would not contact them again.

Within half an hour I had a telephone conversation for my half uncle and my mum then called him back. She is now in regular contact with 3 of her siblings, two have chosen not to have direct regular contact, but keep in touch though the others. For us, it had a great outcome and everyone is very happy,

I would suggest making initial contact and seeing what the response is. Go into it being at peace with them perhaps not wanting to pursue a relationship, in which case you have nothing to loose.

TakeMe2Insanity · 12/08/2020 21:33

I’ve done this to my own half sibling discovered as an adult. Found his email address and wrote him a letter explaining the situation. It worked out we are friends.

DH had a similar scenario in his family tree and didn’t know what to do then the person created their own log on ancestry and the two family trees matched and a closer family member got in touch and explained.

AriettyHomily · 12/08/2020 21:34

As an adoptee I wouldn't like this.

MumsyMumIAmNot · 12/08/2020 22:28

I wouldn't like it either. I told my long lost relative I'm not interested in the nicest possible way.

nancybotwinbloom · 12/08/2020 22:51

My dad left when I was two. Never bothered getting in touch again.

I'm 40.

Not sure how I'd feel.

A letter would be the best bet for me if any of my dads side were to get in touch.

TamzinGrey · 12/08/2020 23:07

I did this for my elderly MIL who was adopted. Both of her birth parents were dead. She'd had an extremely unhappy childhood as an only child with her adoptive parents, and she had always longed to know whether she had any siblings. We discovered brothers and sisters on both sides who were delighted to discover her existence. The family on her father's side had always been aware that they had an older sister and were over the moon when we got in touch.

Obviously all situations are different, but in our case it turned out to be a good decision

TamzinGrey · 12/08/2020 23:17

Forgot to say that I contacted MIL's siblings by letters that were very thoughtfully worded and sent by post. Proper written letters that could be read, thought about, read again, shown to family members and either torn up or replied to. I don't think that electronic communication is always appropriate in sensitive situations like this.

Lizadork · 12/08/2020 23:21

I would contact and look into something like ancestry DNA to be sure what you know is actually fact (it matches relatives that test).

CyberNan · 12/08/2020 23:25

I would be so chuffed if someone got in touch with me... my family is properly fooked so it would be great to find out that I had normal family somewhere.

lyralalala · 12/08/2020 23:27

I did this with my Grandad and my Uncle. I hadn't seen them since I was 5 or 6. My mother, Grandad's daughter, was in a hideous relationship with my father (they were both violent, abusive, drug addled) and my grandparents couldn't handle it so walked away. My paternal grandparents took me when I was 7.

I wrote a letter. I think because of the age of my Grandad it was the right way to do it. I explained who I was, and just said that I was looking for some information on my family history. I said I'd understand if they didn't want contact. I put a SAE in in the hope they'd at least reply with some medical details.

They got in touch and we've been in contact since. It's not been plain sailing. They have some opinions I don't agree with and I have some they don't agree with, but it's been positive.

Tread carefully and keep your expectations very very low. Make sure you are genuinely ready for rejection if you reach out before you do

Original poster
Shiverywinterbottom · 13/08/2020 00:22

Thankyou for your insights everyone.

I 100% know it’s the right person so I’m not concerned about that. I have no biological relatives (who I know) my mum was adopted and my father is ‘unknown’, so selfishly I’d like to know more about my family history and also finish what my mother started I guess. I want to know more about my biological grandmother and I’d love to see pictures of her.

I’ve done an ancestry DNA test and the nearest relative that’s come up is a possible second cousin, but I don’t know how they fit in to my family tree iyswim.

I know this could go either way, ideally I’d like to write a letter as it feels less intrusive than contacting on SM but I can’t seem to find an address for her, I’ve checked 192.com and it’s not bringing anything recent so I don’t know if she still lives at that address.

Think I’ll just bite the bullet and let her know there’s no pressure. She isn’t actually that much older than me. My bio grandmother was 15 having my mother and my mother was young having me. So there’s only about a 9 year age gap between my ‘aunt’ and I.

Thanks again for your input xx

OP posts:
Lizadork · 13/08/2020 00:42

To help with working out your DNA - join DNA Detectives on facebook. They have a lot of good advice and deal with a lot of adoptions/unknown bio fathers etc.

rosiejaune · 13/08/2020 01:04

Did your mum do a DNA test before she died? As that might help you narrow down where the match online fits into your tree.

If you write a letter, you'll never know if they don't respond because they didn't receive it, or because they don't want to be in touch. Whereas at least you get a read receipt on Facebook.

Original poster
Shiverywinterbottom · 13/08/2020 01:09

@rosiejaune
No she didn’t. She got her adoption records from the local social services though.
I’ve been trying to do draft messages but can’t seem to find the right words. You’re also right about the letter, at least if I get ignored and blocked I’ll know for definite that she’s not wanting contact 🙈

OP posts:
OVienna · 13/08/2020 08:48

Second DNA Detectives. This is how I worked out who my paternal grandparents were. I am adopted and so is my biological father! I also have DNA proof of a link to my maternal side of the family, although I already knew who they were.

Regarding contact, be ready for anything. The closest thing to it is writing a birth plan...many of us know how "optimistic" those can be.

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