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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To nó longer want to be friends with this person

8 replies

jollyholly500 · 11/08/2020 22:34

I have been friends with a woman for over 4 years now. Here is a little background to our friendship. My sisters older sister who was my age and in my class at school was murdered 14 years ago. The whole family has naturally been torn apart after this tragedy, but even before it happened, they were pretty unhealthy and enmeshed.

My friend has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (not that labels mean anything to me because I look at the person). My friend was alwaus a quiet person but was very dependant on me. I did notice that she would cut people out of her life over very small things.

Fast forward to the last few weeks. Her behaviour became really erratic and she was constantly phoning me at all hours crying. In the end I became like a therapist for her. She lives with her parents and ran away from home to go and stay with someone else.

We met up last Friday and I don't think I was able to get a word in because she spoke about herself constantly. She kept saying that she was so glad she had 'found her sister in me' and even began to call me her sisters name. Towards the end of the day, I became quite tired and drained and went quiet. I also asked her if she could stop speaking about one thing because it was quite upsetting. After that she became really nasty and snappy with me and walked away with the friend she is staying with letting me walk back to the bus which was 2 miles away.

When I got home I texted her and also called her but she continued to ignore me and has done ever since. I'm pretty upset by it all because I've tried to be a good friend to her and I can't think of what has actually warranted this silent treatment. She has lots of support in her life in the form of therapists so she is attending therapy. I'm just baffled by how she went from totalling discarding me in such a short space of time when the day before claimed I was the only one in her life who understood her.

I feel I cannot carry on this friendship but feel guilty at the same time. Aibu to want to let this person go?

OP posts:
VictoriousSockPuppet · 11/08/2020 22:45

Well, if you do I think you'll be getting in second

VictoriousSockPuppet · 11/08/2020 22:47

But it sounds very grim, and I'm sorry for that.

Sorry, my last post was overly harsh, and I didn't mean it to be.

I just meant that given what you've said, it does sound like she has already ditched you. Which I guess is a good thing

Planterlifer · 11/08/2020 22:50

In your OP do you mean your friend's older sister?
You might ask HQ to edit that for clarity.

That aside, your friend needs more psychological help than you are able or qualified to give. Step back for both your sakes

jollyholly500 · 11/08/2020 22:54

@Planterlifer

In your OP do you mean your friend's older sister? You might ask HQ to edit that for clarity.

That aside, your friend needs more psychological help than you are able or qualified to give. Step back for both your sakes

Sorry yes I meant my friends older sister, that was an error
OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 11/08/2020 22:58

It sounds like she needs far more support than you could possibly give her.
She’s clearly struggling so maybe leave her be, for now.

P999 · 11/08/2020 23:03

Yes, i agree with previous poster. And it sounds like she may be having some kind of a breakdown.

Broomfondle · 11/08/2020 23:49

A characteristic of BPD can be effectively a really narrow comfort/tolerability zone. Whereas someone without BPD could accept some less than validating/perfect behaviour from friends because they have the ability to absorb that within a larger context of a good, supportive friendship, someone with BPD can find it hard to tolerate anything less than ideal and processes it as rejection or translates this one 'bad' thing to mean the person who said it is 'bad' altogether.
It works the other way too with people being 'good'. So they can feel intensely positive/attached to one person and then very quickly see them as yet another person who is bad/has rejected them/is untrustworthy.
It's hard to be on the receiving end of both of these kinds of views because no one is 100% a perfect saviour, and no one is 100% a heartless person who abandons people.

It sounds like she has taken your quietness/unwillingness to talk about a certain subject as a personal rejection and so you have dropped into the category of 'untrustworthy friend' in her mind.

It's really hard to walk down such a narrow friendship path where there is not much room for your own emotions.

I hope your friend has good support and you are able to not feel too hurt by her way of dealing with relationships.

MinnieJackson · 12/08/2020 07:00

Really sorry, was it your friend that has just ditched you - her sister that was murdered and she was calling you by her deceased sisters name?

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