To ask how you knew your relationship was over?

[Midlifelights]

Been with my DP 21 years and we keep flogging a dead horse for the sake of the kids which I know is wrong on so many levels. DD 8 got so upset yesterday because of another row but said she never wanted to live apart from either of us- it’s so painful and awful. DS12 recognises the constant arguing is toxic and awful. I just want some peace but I don’t want to hurt my kids.

Aibu to ask how you knew you were finally done? I find it hard to separate my kids from my relationship but I pretty much hate my partner to be honest. It’s so awful & toxic & eggshells at home. My poor kids

I think if your children have noticed that’s should be an indicator.

Not a nice environment to grow up in and doesn’t sound like anyone is happy as it is

Must be a very difficult time for you

Don’t ever stay for your children’s sakes, it causes more damage than good. I’m the product of that mistake my parents made and it left me traumatised. I refused to do that to my children so I split with their dad when they were very small as I didn’t want them suffering like I did.
If you aren’t happy then leave. Life is too short to keep trying/stay together and hope things change etc.
Your children will understand when the time comes and you speak to them about splitting up. No child likes the idea of their parents living separately and having to swap houses every week or so, but it is in their best interest and long term much healthier.
Can you speak to dh about how you feel? I know it’s a hard situation to go through but you need to also consider your happiness aswell as your children’s

When he didn’t even get out of bed on Mother’s Day.
I asked him to leave the next day.

This followed 16 years of emotional abuse but that was the final nail in the coffin. It showed how little he thought of me.

OP as gently as possible you’re asking the wrong question; you already know your relationship is over.

The real question is can you leave and will your kids be OK?

And the answer is over the long term it’s the only thing you can do. For children to have to live with two people who have contempt for each other is appalling.

It won’t be easy for anyone in the short term and it will be hard on your kids, but over the long term it’s the right thing to do.

Your poor children. Sort yourself out and separate you are damaging them.

Your kids will be worse off with the life they have now then if you separate and are actually happy and not arguing infront of them.

When I cried during sex, he didn’t notice.

We separated and the children are much happier for it.

When I realised I was further down their priority order than they were on mine.

I came somewhere below gaming and Facebook.

You cannot stay together for them. My parents tried for years. Ended up utter and twisted. My dad has said if I got married he won't come if my mum does. Your kids will adapt. I remember begging my mum to finally throw dad out because of how bad it was and my brother begging her not too. It was like that for a couple years. Things were tough for a bit once she finally did by I have a much better relationship with them both now than I would had they carried on.

You know when your dc want to eat nothing but junk and you feed them a nutritious meal because you're their parent and that's what is best for them? Switch for any scenario, make them go to bed at x o'clock or attend school etc. This IS the same sentiment. They might not wish to have separated parents but if it's what is in their best interests you just do it. I still loved ex/dcs' dad when I decided to leave, but the household environment was toxic to their welfare. I've yet to encounter adults that grew up in a toxic household who were glad their fighting parents stayed together.

When he squared up to me and I realised I actually wanted him to hit me so that the damage he was causing was visible. Ultimately, I didn’t want my son to grow up thinking it is acceptable to be with someone who treats you with contempt - we were setting the scene for him as to what a relationship looks like and it wasn’t pretty.

We are much better parents apart than together and whilst my son was very sad about his dad moving out, he has adapted and understands that the perpetual arguing and sniping just wasn’t right.

I had a real lightning bolt moment with mine.

We were in a quiet pub having a drink and he was telling a really long, dull anecdote. When we first got together we used to joke that his stories never went anywhere and the payoff wasn’t worth it. I found it charming in the early years, he was a bit of a bumbling type.

But halfway through this particular story I realised I was so bored and fed up. I found myself getting wound up with how long it was. I suddenly realised that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life listening to these dull stories with their shitty punch lines. I wasn’t in love with him anymore.

It was a symptom of much deeper problems I hadn’t allowed myself to see, and I ended it soon after.

We stopped having sex, and then we stopped arguing. When you can’t even be bothered to raise issues and stop caring altogether you know it’s over.

Went to a friend's father's funeral together. When our friend's lovely mother spoke so lovingly of her life with her husband, I knew I could never stand up and say or mean those things.

Agree with this completely. Appreciate it's easier said than done though. An 8 year old is not going to say, "yes split up." But they dont get to make those decisions for good reason! Good luck OP.

thepeopleversuswork
OP as gently as possible you’re asking the wrong question; you already know your relationship is over.

The real question is can you leave and will your kids be OK?

And the answer is over the long term it’s the only thing you can do. For children to have to live with two people who have contempt for each other is appalling.

It won’t be easy for anyone in the short term and it will be hard on your kids, but over the long term it’s the right thing to do.

Over 20 years in, kept asking myself if I wanted to live that way for the next 20 years (God Willing), my answer was no.

I just didn’t want to do “it” anymore.
I knew back in December, if not before. We just spoke to our children (21, 18, 12) last night

The day my then 5yo daughter called me a cunt. I left that day, as something snapped and I realised that she had seen and heard too much and I wasn't protecting her.

I knew it was finally over when he didn't come home again all night, and I didn't even care. When I saw him the next morning I calmly sat down and said I cannot and will not do this anymore and that he needed to leave. He didnt leave until 3 months later but that's a whole other story.

The day was awful for my DC but we live so much more freely now. No walking on eggshells, no arguments, out home is now one of the most calm and peaceful places to be.

You reach a point OP, and you just know.

When you look to years ahead and feel a rising sense of panic.

If you can fund a house move for you and dc start looking around. If you can't fund yet, start investigating how to afford it.
Staying in the same schools is important to children. Maybe moving within walking distance of both parents might reassure them.
Not doing anything gives a message. So many people on MN desperately wished their toxic parents had separated. It really damages children.