to not have us all together on her birthday?

[cheesecadet]

Abusive ex became even more abusive recently (we've been split for 10 years). We've always got on mostly well since the split and spent the kids birthdays as a family (rather me tolerating him for the sake of the kids) but he said some really hurtful things last year which I can't forget. I now have very little to do with him and he knows I'm not the same with him.

My eldest has their 16th coming up and I really really don't want to spend it with him. I keep asking her what she wants to do for it....repeated "I don't know".

I feel mean saying that I don't want dad here, (that's always what's happened on birthdays).

Someone said to me now that's 16 she shouldn't need both parents still coming together as she's a young adult. But I'd feel mean going against what she wants.

They know things aren't right between us but not the fact that I hate him so much and several months ago she did say she'd like to do something as a family. But since then she has seen mine and his closeness deteriorate, which I never anticipated to happen.

As well as the fall out between me and him (which my kids didn't see or hear) when I say that I have had to tollerate him previously, it's because he has no respect or empathy for people, takes the piss out of everyone, and ridicules people (some with health conditions), thinks he's above the law and goes on about his conspiracy theories. This last thing was the icing on the cake!

Do I say nothing in the hope that she chooses something where we don't have to spend it together or be a little honest and assertive.

Am I being mean? Am I being unfair to say that I'd like the 3 of us to do something together only?

Her birthday is on a school day and has the option of seeing him later. It's typical that her special day has come after this fall out.

Am I being unfair?

Bump

Any comments or votes much appreciated, thanks.

No I don’t think you’re being unfair, I would suggest something to her that would exclude him anyway, like after school pamper party, have a beautician come to the house or beautify yourselves, have afternoon tea laid out and her fave music on, and she can see him around 9pm for a grown up late dinner somewhere, would that work?

Why dont you suggest to dd that the three of you go somewhere nice for dinner. Don’t mention the ex. Ask if she wants a friend to join. Let the ex sort out his dd birthday.

Yanbu.

Is it possible you're making too much of this? Your giving your ex a hell of a lot of headspace - I'm assuming your the resident parent, so what kind of celebration would your daughter and you like.

Focus on that, then the timing , then the guest list.

Has ex ever been the driving force behind celebrations? Ever involved you in planning? Ever asked what's happening for her 16th? Does he see her regularly so can have his own celebration?

I'm saying this as I'd place a pound bet that he does bugger all and swans in like a peacock once all the graft is done!

You'd be doing her a favour to stop pretending his behaviour is acceptable to you.

Start explaining a little about what's happened.

Dont criticise him. "I cant stand dad, he's a tool"

Do Say "I dont like it when dad mocks people it's one of the reasons we're not together".

Let her know you dont have to go along with it and neither does she.

You can be 'amicable' without pretending absolutely everything is ok.

If the kids have picked up on the recent hostility, it is putting her in a difficult position, asking her what she wants to do because she either had to choose to take care of you by coming up with a plan that involves rejecting her Dad or she has to state a preference that she knows you will find upsetting.

She is probably by now not wanting you to be together anyway because of the friction.

Take responsibility.

Come up with a plan and suggest it to her. “Cake after school and then BBQ in the garden with school friends, and lunch out with Dad at the weekend?”

“It’s a school day so why don’t we do xxx at the weekend and celebrate properly? Cake after school on your birthday, then you can pop round to Dad’s” but also have a lovely birthday breakfast with her.

Make positive plans for things that she would like and give her choices around that.

You could also be straight and say “unfortunately your Dad said some things that upset me and I am not comfortable being social with him at the moment. I don’t want to bring friction into your birthday”.

I would giver her a couple of options that you are happy with such as AlwaysCheddar's meal out with a friend idea. Or a special day with just you going to somewhere she wants to go.

If she wants to see her dad, he can arrange it. If he wants to do it on her birthday, you could have the meal out and presents the night before - as my kids got older we seldom celebrate their birthdays on the day as it tended to be the nearest weekend day with grandparents, or a day when no-one had activities.

And what Gabriella said!

Mother and daughter spa day? Or mum and daughter photo shoot? If she want to do something with her dad, she can do that without you.

I wouldn't want to spend time with an abusive ex. Leopards never change their spots.

Doc and Nancy have some good ideas here, although the social distancing will make the beautician thing tricky, depending on where you are.
"It's typical that her big day has come after this fall out." is a very hurtful (to your daughter) thing to say though. She has no control over who her parents are or when she was conceived. Even if you are just going to say that it's typical that things go wrong to make you feel bad etc. or that people should have more empathy for you.... maybe try to have a bit of empathy with her too. This has struck a raw nerve with me as someone very dear to me has a mother used to make these remarks. They are still bearing the emotional scars decades later.

Thank you all for the comments, they are much appreciated they really are.

@Timeforabiscuit yes exactly that. Has always rellied on me to organise and turns uo when he feels like it. NOT THIS TIME!

@julybaby32 I don't really get your point. I'm being hurtful for thinking it's bad timing - the time scale of falling out and her birthday? I've never said that to her. I'm full of empathy for them both, they've always seen us get on, I'd love to like him, I can't help that he's nasty.

When a couple splits then arrangements for special occasions become separate.
You both buy a card, a gift and organise to celebrate the event.
Inevitably that means you might not always see your child on that day. The other person doesnt get to come round and piggy back on your arrangements (unless you're Gwyneth Paltrow).
Offer some suggestions and see what she wants to do.
It's up to ex to have the same discussion and make his arrangements with her.

My girls are upset with me.
I'm the run up to her birthday, I've asked several times what she'd like to do, and it's been met with lots of I don't knows, and all of my suggestions have been responded with a no.
So I thought I'd leave it a while, and last night she voluntarily came up with a venue/activity. To which I responded with a happy 'yes of course'. But then I came to the realisation that the place may be closed. We got onto the conversation of her dad coming here (initiated by them).
I did what you all suggested and said that this year they need to plan something with him and something with me separately, as I'm not comfortable around him at the moment, that he upset me several months ago and that I don't like his behaviour on the whole.
Eldest got a bit upset and youngest called me selfish. I ended up giving them examples of his hehaviour that I can't tolerate when he's around.

They can't understand why, after all this years of celebrating together I can't tolerate him for one day.

And now I'm going to have to explain to him.

The conversation last night was left on us not agreeing but we all had a hug and I love you. But now it's hanging over us. I've stuck to my guns but they are so upset. They're still expecting him to come round for cake!!

What would you do from now? Tell him clearly that we're doing things separately or leave it to the girls to tell him? What a situation.

Youngest was saying I need to do exactly what oldest wants on her birthday!

I would be giving your girls this example of boundaries and you setting yours. You have them the examples of this unacceptable behaviour and I'd use it as a teaching moment of: this behaviour is unacceptable and you do not need to accept it.

I'd see if the place was open for the birthday and if not, say: these are the options. Pick one or there's cake here for us and a girly pamper day etc.

I wouldn't get into this discussion with your ex. I'd just say: it's your responsibility to arrange something. We are doing our own thing etc.

They're old enough to understand that you shouldn't be forced to be around someone that hurts you. Just like you wouldn't force them to be around a friends child that's mean to them.

Thank you for the comments. I agree that they need to see that I put boundaries in place, to understand my situations and for theirs for the future.
I said to them that I shouldn't feel forced to do it, and tried to get them to reverse it for them to see.
We've had a lovely hug this morning, and I've found out the place is actually open so I've offered to her that either her dad or I take her and that I don't mind and also a birthday tea and a surprise cake here if she wants. But it was very brief as they're both back at school. Hopefully they'll accept things. Thanks again.