To stop my mother seeing my children indefinitely

[Beyondc]

My 'D'M is a drinker who has had all the support in the world to make a change but she doesn't want to. She has become toxic and causes me nothing but stress.

Until now I've allowed her to come and see my children when she's sober as she says they're a positive in her life and guilt trips me but she is continuously letting them down.

She will tell them she's coming on Tuesday for example and then just not turn up, that happens almost every time. The majority of the time she doesn't even have the courtesy to call and cancel, but if she does ring to cancel she's belligerent and argumentative which then stresses me out.

Would it be harsh of me to stop her seeing them completely? Bare in mind that she'll then use that as yet another excuse as to why she's drinking.

She doesn't sound reliable and lets them down. YANBU.

She's the furthest thing from reliable. I thank my lucky stars that I have a DH, because she's the only other family I have and she could never be depended on in an emergency.

Not unreasonable no. Very sad situation and sorry you have to navigate through it. You know when you are at the end of the line and nobody can tell you otherwise least of all your DM. It might just go the other way and be the reason she stops but sadly that's unlikely.

I wish that would be the case Summer but history has shown me that the drink comes above everybody else.

Me and my DB weren't enough and nor are my DC sadly.

I don't recognise who she is now, she's never been a great parent but any good she did have in her has well and truly gone.

I also have a alcoholic as a mother! She's lovely tho and tends to only drink in the afternoon she keeps a few hours clear in the morning so she can get any visits in etc
She's not toxic but she is a bit of a pain in the arse
We have tried to help her so many times but she is in her 70's now and I think she will be like this until the end
I wouldn't cut ties because she is sober when my DD sees her but I dont expect anything off her either
I think mine is known as a functioning alcoholic
If u have tried to get her help and it's not working then she probably won't change
But don't set her up for a fall don't arrange things you know she won't manage

Just treat her as we will see her if we see her give her a call if she's sober great go ans visit of she's drunk just hang up try again another day

If u don't tell the children they are going to see her or she's coming round they won't be let done just let it be a surprise if she does

It's easy for me to say as mine isn't toxic and of course you can cut ties please don't be put on a guilt trip tho because she will drink regardless of you maybe you will give her another excuse to but we all know alcoholics have an excuse to drink every day anyway

Thanks ginger, I'm really pleased you've been able to have a positive relationship with your mum in spite of her problem.

I used to wish mine was what's known as the functioning kind, not that I wouldn't rather she didn't drink at all but it seems the lesser of two evils.

Mine drinks whatever the time of day and to hell with everybody (and everything) else.

DH has had enough of it now as he always has to pick up the pieces when she upsets me so he has suggested this is how we should proceed - whilst maintaining that the decision is ultimately mine.

It's not actually me who tells the children she's coming she does that herself, either over the phone or she makes the plans in advance when she does see them ie "grandma is going now, don't forget I'll be coming to see you on (whatever day/week)" and of course they hang on her every word because they love grandma.

Our eldest has autism and he just can't cope with being let down sadly.

It sounds as though you have reached the end so far as your mum and her drinking is concerned. As you say, It isn't fair on your children, especially your child who has autism. Routine and reliability are even more important to children on the ASD.
So many of us have parents, children, loved one's who are dependent on alcohol. It's exhausting to live with the low level anxiety, the tension that goes with never knowing will the turn up as promised, will they be hung over and grumpy or under the influence.
Don't feel bad about your decision. Look after yourself and your family. I don't know whether you have tried the intervention approach, telling your mum you'll support her getting dry but if she doesn't do that her contact with your children won't restart.

I think you would be unreasonable to let her continue to see your children when it’s far from a good thing for them.

Hi lotsofdogs, thank you

Yes I've tried that approach already and it didn't work. I've tried everything possible apart from 'detatching with love' which is where I think I'm at now. Unfortunately the alcohol has such a grip that me and the children are far down her list of priorities now.

I spend much more time worrying about her than she does thinking of us.

Hi lockdown, I'm inclined to agree with you yes.

It's not in their best interests.

My mother badly inflicted my life, I didn’t give her the opportunity to do it to my kids.
Your children are worth better

This is really hard. How about only making plans with her to come over if you will be at home anyway. So if she doesn’t turn up, no plans have been changed to accommodate. And maybe don’t tell the children. Just keep as a surprise ‘oh look grandma is here’. And if she doesn’t turn up, children don’t know any different.
Hard on you though.

I have a rocky relationship with my mum (Not alcohol related) so I can sympathise with how you’re feeling. Don’t let her guilt you, I know it’s easier said than done but she will try and manipulate you so don’t let her get in your head. Remember this is her own causing, if she put her family first this situation wouldn’t exist so she has no one to blame but herself.
Consider speaking to her about how you feel and that it will be the last contact, you need that closure or it will continue hanging over you if you just block her/ignore her. I want to cut mine off too but I’m still in that guilt stage of questioning myself. It’s hard but it’ll get easier when you take that step, your children deserve better than her letting them down constantly and the stress this brings is enormous.

Ah ok sorry have just read your other posts. Umm so my idea won’t work if she tells them herself when she’s coming. Unless you can ask her not to tell them. And maybe a surprise visit won’t be so good for your eldest with autism.
I think creating distance is a start. And she how she takes that and if she then makes an effort.
Sorry to hear alcohol has got hold of her.

Text her
Dear mum, the children were very upset that you didn't turn up today. That makes x times this week/month that you've let them down and I can't have them being upset like this. We've talked and have decided that until you're in a better place and not drinking we won't be accepting phone calls, FaceTime or visits. We will miss you but not how your drinking affects our relationships. We hope you can seek help soon, please message me when you're in a better place. All our love etc

I think you’re right to put what is best for your children before that of your alcoholic mother.

And if the ch ask I'd say grandma hasn't been making great decisions recently so we've said we'll see her when she's better, what's for dinner....