To want to walk out and never come back

[Logiclady94]

Hi all! I am just wanting some advice on whether I am being unreasonable or not. I am losing my goddamn mind. I am so sick of lockdown and COVID and shitty 2020 so much.

I am stuck at home with a whiny 22 month old and 6 month old. I had my DD in October 2018 and I was diagnosed with gallstones not long after she was born (I’d been having the attacks throughout my pregnancy) I couldn’t really go anywhere for 6 months because I was too scared something would happen to me or her. I then had the surgery in April 2019 which was successful and I instantly felt better but I got pregnant with my DS in May 2019.

I had another rough pregnancy which caused test after test and he ended up being born in early January rather than late February, he was born at 32 weeks so 8 weeks early and he only weighed 3 lbs 8. We were in & put of hospital every other week with something new with him and we got out for good the week before lockdown was announced.

I never even returned to work after my maternity because the pregnancy was that crap that I got signed off work in November due to stress and my DD was at home every day with me.

AIBU to feel like I’ve been cooped up in this shitty situation since 2018 and when my DP offers to give me a break it is a day to myself and why don’t I take a drive out somewhere.. AIBU to feel like no amount of a break is going to compensate and especially not being forced out of my house, even when I stay in the house to get a break there is bloody housework to get on with.

The other thing is over the weekend DD started climbing out of her cot so we’ve to make it into a bed now and now she won’t bloody stay in the thing even though she is knackered. She keeps climbing out and running round the room.

I am at my wits end and I cannot even go out anywhere as the car isn’t safe to drive till Thursday. If I hear a baby cry one more time today I feel like I am going to just leave the house and not come back

I feel like a shit mother for thinking that though...

It sounds relentless, I do sympathise.
How about - Have your day out and try to come up with five things you could do to make a difference for YOU. Small things but they will add up.

Can you have a night on a hotel alone? I'm betting that a good night's sleep would make you feel better.

Leave your DD to get on with it- she'll exhaust herself eventually and fall asleep. The novelty will wear off. Just make sure her room is safe.

Also have you considered talking to the GP? You sound quite depressed and there are things that can help.

@QuestionableMouse- I spoke to my GP and my midwife a lot and I also speak to my DP and my parents. I’m definitely not depressed in any sense of the word. When I’m rested everything is great but my DP has just got a new job which was a drop in wages and he wants me to drop my hours even though I’ll earn more than him now.. I want to say full time because I’m stressing about how we are going to make ends meet.

It’s not a case of I’m depressed, it is the fact that for the last 2 years there has been a lot and I mean a lot to deal with.. my physical health being broken and I feel broken and 2 Children which we can’t afford to put into childcare right now so I don’t get a break.

I’m sorry but I can’t see why AIBU when no one comes comments the bloody reason why they think I am. I’ve been cooped up in the house since October 2018 practically with shit health which wasn’t my fault. The gallstones wrecked everything they made me that weak that with my first baby I had to have a c section and because my second baby needed to be delivered early I had to have another c section.

I was stuck in hospital till March and then lockdown occurred. Because my partner lost his job I am having to return to work early and my maternity has been shit anyway due to Covid and having a very Premature baby to look after so sorry if the feeling of drowning and walls closing in is now coming to a head.

OP you sound really stress and you are definitely not being U to want a time out for yourself. Is there any way you could go to a hotel for one night by yourself?

I'm confused about your work situation - i thought you'd been written off work completely? to be honest i think you don't need money worries on top of everything else, so that's one good reason not to cut hours. I also think it does parents of small needy children (let's face it, they pretty much are leeches a lot of the time, i hated it) good to get out and do something else. Working gives you time with other adults and space to concentrate on something else. Unless you hate your job more than you hate not working.

@Brefugee- I love my job, I want to excel and develop. I’ve been there 5 years and I put my whole self into it.. now I feel like someone is telling me no no you are a mother now and that’s all. Here this is your label stick by it. I don’t want to quit at all.. I was signed off because I returned to work full time in the September and by the end of October it was made clear that something was not going right in the pregnancy. My baby had stopped growing and was suffering with IUGR.

I went into work one day and I cried and said I am worried my baby will die and I won’t even be aware because I won’t be concentrating on his movements because o am juggling too much. The GP signed me of for anxiety and I was due to go back within a couple of weeks then I was admitted to hospital because I’d lost some amniotic fluid and they were concerned so they delivered him early and I was thrust back onto maternity leave. Plus during the second c section I lost a lot of blood.

OP have you ever heard of situational depression?

I think a series of shitty things over a sustained period can really get you down. You aren't unreasonable, anyone in your shoes would be struggling.

YANBU lovely. You've been through 2 shitty years and it will be wearing you down.

I can't recommend strongly enough considering antidepressants as an interim measure. It won't change your awful situation but it does give you some perspective on your feelings, some distance from them so you can manage and think and work towards solutions. I know I sound like a right pusher but I had a similarly horrible and intense time and going on citalopram absolutely saved my life. I'm off it now and so much better even in lockdown, because I had the mental space to help myself recover. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It means you are caught in the grip of intractable problems and need some help to bear them until the situation can be improved. That is OK.

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say my god YANBU. That sounds so completely shit. I hope you find a solution

I voted YABU because I think you do need a break and even a drive alone with some music, or an audiobook, or a walk, or a swim, or a drink with a friend, or grabbing a takeaway for yourself - these really do work.

I think you should take your partner up on his offer.

Aw it sounds hard love.
Does the baby sleep through?
When are you due back to work? Depending on what you do a cha ge is as good as a rest IME, some time away from the dc, and some jobs are easier than 2 kids.
Lockdown has been absolutely shit, you're not wrong.
Can you leave dc with your partner and go and stay at your parents for a night, just to catch up on some sleep?
Why would he want you to drop your hours?

I love my job, I want to excel and develop

Try to focus on that, @Logiclady94 - it seems super overwhelming right now but you will probably get into some kind of routine with work and home and children. You shouldn't be alone with this, is your partner any help?

Of course, as soon as you get into a routine your DCs will change that but you learn to recognise the signs.

But i am a firm advocate for working outside the home - even if it is sometimes really hard - because it is usually good for a person's mental health, you love your job so that sounds good.

Have you spoken to your GP? you sound as overwhelmed as i was with 2 under 2 and i absolutely hated my situation, loathed myself for not wanting to be like that and in that situation. Talking to the GP helped me recalibrate my wishes and helped me make a plan. (I didn't get any medication but she did tell me to do some relaxation exercises and get away from everything - even just a long walk in the evening.does that sound like something you could try?)

my DP has just got a new job which was a drop in wages and he wants me to drop my hours even though I’ll earn more than him now.

I find this a little concerning - it depends why he wants you to drop your hours. If it's because he doesn't want you earning more than him, you have a bigger problem. If it's because he wants you only focussing on the kids, again a bigger problem. If it's because he thinks it will help you find a better place, mentally, you might be ok if you sit down and work a plan out with him.

I mean the baby does sleep through but the 22 month old has stopped she has decided 5AM and 8-9PM is bedtime. I am kept awake by financial worries as we have a bit of debt which means I can’t quit my job altogether because even though our normal outgoings are doable on one wage, the debt payments mean we aren’t. Plus I don’t want to be a SAHM as I love my job (not that I judge SAHM’s I think anyone who can do it full time all day everyday are goddamn saints- I’m just not cut out for it)

If I cut my hours we are still struggling to make the debt payments and pay childcare but i can’t quit altogether because then the debt payments don’t get paid. I need to do enough for like 3 days work, I’ll have enough to cover the debt but with those hours we’ll still struggle to do both.

My safe haven (that was my nickname for it) before I met DP was my grandparents. I might ask if I can stay at theirs for one night but with Covid, I don’t want to do anything that may risk my grandparents health. I love my grandma and grandad, they are two of my favourite family members

Take the day that your dp is offering, and get (at least) an hour to yourself EVERY day from now on. You are right, it's never going to be enough (I have a 3 year old and 6 month old and a barrage of health consequences from having them so I get you) but it's something. You need something, and regularly, so that you get used to having a bit of headspace and can get back to yourself. I'm sorry you have had such a shit time of it, people don't know what it's like if they haven't experienced it

My DP wants me to drop my hours because we wouldn’t be able to afford two lots of childcare for full time hours. He has taken a wage drop because he was let go from his old role and he wanted to find a new one in his industry before I went back. He has the potential to earn a hell of a lot more than me so that is why we aren’t discussing him cutting his hours.

If I cut my hours and money and because he’s just taken a role which is a significant drop income wise but with the same amount of hours, it means if I was too drop my hours to save on childcare we’d be really bad off finance wise.

I promise you it won’t always feel like this.

What is your childcare plan for working? If it pays to do it (ie you don’t lose more in childcare) and you want to do it, work full time. Let others judge if they must, you’ve had two full on years with Bad health and little children and if working reminds you of being you again, do it. Besides if you earn more per hour than their Dad, why doesn’t he do part time for a bit?

It is hard, hard, hard but you will look back on this time and say you survived.

I think you have to weigh up that income dropwith whether it would be good for you.

YANBU, it sounds like you've been through a horrendous time and all the Covid stuff has been the last straw.

Take all the help you can, and take the day out and do something for yourself. Even if you just go and sit in a park with a book it'll be a break and a change of scene. Go for a swim or spend a few hours at the beach, if you're within striking distance of one.

If you both reduce your hours, might Universal Credit make up for some of the loss and/or childcare costs?

You say you love your job and you want to excel and develop, so for goodness' sake don't drop your hours. It sounds as if your job is your oasis of sanity. Even if jointly you and your DP have to spend the equivalent of your salary on childcare, I'd still say don't drop your hours. You have the same right as has your DP to career development. You hang on to that job, OP.

I hope things get better for you.

Don't drop your hours. You will get stuck on the mummy track and be the default parent forever, which sounds like the last thing you need.

While anti depressants may be helpful for many people I think taking them just so you can bear a toxic situation isn't correct use. You need to try and alleviate the situation. Make sure you get a break every day, even if it's only an hour, leave your husband in charge and get out of the house.

This stage won't last forever, I promise. There will be light at the end of the tunnel as your children grow.

Oh and it's impossible to take a break while remaining in the house with the children. You get sucked back into mummy mode. Ignore the housework and leave the house!

I know how you feel op. I have a 22 month old and a 9 month old and have been off work with pregnancy related illness and then maternity leave, then pregnancy related illness, then maternity since June 2018. I worked 5 days last year. Neither of my children sleep through the night and I am absolutely shattered at all times. I literally go to bed when they do and am usually asleep by 8 or 9pm but am still exhausted as they are usually up about 5.30/6am. It is relentless. I have no advice other than to say that you're not alone.

Even if we didn't have the current situation with covid it would be a slog as it's very hard to take a toddler and a baby anywhere when you're on your own as you can't really deal with both at once. It's bloody hard work!! I just keep contenting myself with the fact that it should be easier within 12 months and then easier again each year until they're teens and I'll want to kill them both no doubt....

Also, my DP has just taken redundancy and I had to leave my job as the cost of childcare for 2 barely would have covered my wages. Not a great time for DP to be made redundant but I'm sure that somehow it will all work out.

Just try to get through each day as they come. Don't try and perform miracles. Make sure they're fed and watered and anything else you can achieve like keeping the house clean and tidy and not having the tv on all day is just an added bonus!

Good luck!!