To ask my mum to delete some of her Facebook friends?

[bluemoon2468]

I'm going to try and cut a very long and complicated story short here. My mum was in a long term relationship from my late childhood through to early adulthood, and this man lived with us for most of that time. For many years he was a nice person and they had a healthy relationship. Around ten years ago when I was in my late teens his mental health started to deteriorate - at first it seemed like depression and anxiety but it quickly became clear it was more than that. He became increasingly paranoid and delusional, and eventually very verbally aggressive. He developed severe alcoholism and stopped working. I had to move out of home at the age of 20 because living there was unbearable and he was extremely verbally abusive towards me. About a year later the relationship ended after a physical altercation with my mum (it turns out things became increasingly physical after I moved out, but this was hidden from me).

Anyway, it's now a decade down the line and I'm pregnant with my first child. My mum has little/no contact with him directly, but does have occasional contact with some of his relatives. It seems like his mental health is as bad as ever, and from time to time he phones my mum and leaves her abusive answerphone messages or writes her strange letters. Anyway to get to the crux of the issue, my mum is still friends with two of his relatives on Facebook. She never sees them in person but says she messages with them from time to time to see how her ex is doing. I feel really uncomfortable with him knowing anything new about my life, and particularly anything about my baby. I don't even want him to know I've had a baby, and I certainly don't want him to know my baby's name or what he looks like, especially as he gets older and looks less like a generic baby. Am I being unreasonable to ask my mum not to post any pictures or info about my child to Facebook unless she deletes his relatives as friends? I know that asking this of her will really upset her, as she likes having contact with these people and will be worried it will offend them. But I can't shake the worry I have about this 😕 She's a bit of an avid Facebook user and oversharer anyway in my opinion, and so just not posting about the baby won't seem like a valid option for her. I'm worried about giving her an ultimatum... as you can imagine this whole topic has a lot of baggage and trauma for all of us and I have to tiptoe sensitively around it.

OP you need to remember you are the guardian of your child's image until they are able to tell you to stop posting them and take action to get them deleted.

Actually I'd say the opposite.

Parents should be the guardians of their children's images until they're old enough to give their permission (and understand what that means) for their parents to post their photos online.

Most of these parents would have a shit fit if a friend of theirs posted pics of the parents without their permission, yet they're fine about doing exactly that to their kids.

TheTrollFairy it does make me wonder what sort of future problems might be caused.

@stayathomer I know, I'm very worried about this. Of course I would much prefer if she had absolutely nothing to do with him or any of his family, but unfortunately she's a grown adult and I can't force her not to speak to them. It's something we've had many, many conversations about. In some ways she's still trapped emotionally in an abusive relationship, but I'm just relieved she doesn't still see him. It took us years to convince her to leave him in the first place.

I don't think you're unreasonable to say no photos and no baby info whilst you have relatives of the ex who can see them. If she is understanding I'm sure she'll get the reason behind it. Tbh it's strange to say in contact with relatives after a relationship has turned abusive in my view. I wouldn't want them to know about my life now either.

My husband and I have told everyone that we do not give permission for photos of our child to be posted on social media, this includes grandparents. The only pictures we have posted are ones that don't show her face. It's your child and your choice however it is your mums Facebook friends and therefore her choice. I think you're being reasonable to not allow her to post pictures or give out information but you can't dictate her friends.

@bluemoon2468

To those who have suggested restricting posts, I cant seem to see a way of doing this other than for every individual post. I know my mum will forget to do this if she has to change the settings every time, and I can hardly go round policing it! Is there a way to automatically restrict people from seeing all of the photos you post for example?

@bluemoon2468 If she spends some time going through her friends and marking anyone she's not close to or you wouldn't be happy seeing baby pictures as 'acquaintances' and then makes a post that is only visible to 'friends except acquaintances' as far as I know that setting 'sticks' for all future posts until she manually alters it again.

I remember doing some public posts when my cat was missing and then realising that everything I'd posted for a couple of weeks after that was also public and quickly changed it back!

Alternatively you have every right to ask her not to post anything related to your baby on social media. When our DC come along I'll be doing this with my Mum as she is a chronic over-sharer and I don't really want her colleagues, ex-boyfriends, and randoms from the pub or on the bus seeing our baby or knowing our business!

I think the discussion around posting photos is a bit of a red herring really. You’ve fixed on the idea that if it were to leak out then it could only be via your mums FB but even if she agreed to delete these acquaintances that doesn’t mean he won’t hear through the grapevine that you’ve had a baby.

It’s a small world in many ways. People get chatting, they realise one lived at X for five years, or worked in Y company or dc went to a particular school and then it’s - Oh, you must know such and such and so it goes.

You can’t guarantee he will never know you’ve had a child, or your child’s name and unless you don’t allow any photos ever to be taken by anyone but you, you can’t guarantee his picture won’t be online.

I sympathise OP but I think you need to identify exactly what it is you’re afraid of and deal with that fear (ie what is the likelihood that this man you haven’t seen for a decade will fixate on your child) rather than expending your energy on your mums irrelevant FB.

She can keep her fb friends - it’s her right really

But it’s your right to ask her not to post anything baby related, ever.

If my son or dil tried to tell me who I could be friends with, I would be very angry. However, whilst I respond to pictures they post of dgs, I would never, ever, post a picture of him myself without their express permission. I do wonder at times, whether they are bothered by the fact I don't post his pictures, but then I don't even put pictures of me on there - I only ever put the odd picture of places we've visited, not people.
If she is likely to be offended by you asking her not to post pictures of your new baby, then it may be that tou will have to restrict her access to photo opportunities.

You have no control over her choice of friends or who she has contact with but it's absolutely up to you who posts pictures of your child online.

I can understand why she'd want to tell people she is a Grandma, that' hers to have, but I'd make it very clear to her before the baby arrives that she is not to post photos of your child, ever.

It's not unusual to feel this way about baby photos online, it is unusual to ask others to unfriend people on SM.

@BlueJava I don't understand it either but then again I've never been in an abusive relationship. The situation is extremely complex and as you can imagine I haven't even been able to go into the half of it here. She says she still loves him and wants to check he's okay 🤷🏼‍♀️

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe you're right, there's no way I can know 100% it wouldn't get back to him some other way. It does seem unlikely as he lives in a different area - he's moved back to his home town and all of his family live there, I know no one there and he doesn't really know anyone here. As far as I'm aware my mum's Facebook is the only connection. Obviously I can't rule out some sort of long and convoluted 'what a small world' type connection, but this seems the only logical source of information getting to him. I've had several courses of counselling dealing with the trauma that this has left behind in my life, and for the most part I've been able to move on (although I still have nightmares and flashbacks). I think one of the ways I've been able to do this is by knowing he knows very little about my life - he doesn't know my address, where I work or even my current surname as I'm now married.

Might a first step be to tell your mum how worried you are, and that you don't know what to do about the potential situation?

I think you could ask her not to share pics of your baby, or as a compromise you could ask her to only post photos of your baby on restricted settings, so these people are blocked from viewing them. She can do this for individual posts, or for everything she posts.

@Oakmaiden

Might a first step be to tell your mum how worried you are, and that you don't know what to do about the potential situation?

I think I would tell her you’re concerned and explain you don’t want to ban her outright from posting anything but you don’t Know what to do. You can then and ask her if she has a better solution. If she wants to do something, which contravenes your boundaries, it is for her to find one, not you.

Make it clear from before you child is born that she is the grandma but she can not post photos of your kid online.

I told this to my parents and in laws. Imade it very clear. And they dont post photos online.

@bluemoon2468 ask your mum to add the relatives to her restricted list on FB. It means they stay friends but those people won't see anything she posts unless she sets that post to public or they are tagged in it or a mutual friend tags them both.

www.elegantthemes.com/blog/business/how-to-use-the-facebook-restricted-list-to-protect-your-professional-life

I don't think you can ask that of her. However, you can ask her not to post pictures of your baby on social media; and I think that is a fair request. I think that people shouldn't in any case post pictures of people on social media without their consent, or in the case of babies and small children, without their parents' consent.

You have every right to request that your baby is not posted on social media. Other than that it’s up to your mum what she does. Make it clear to your mum how you feel.

YABU you can't dictate peoples fb friends, and why should he be bothered about your life, he probably couldn't care less.
If it bothers you that much delete your mum, but you can't dictate her friends.

@Devlesko part of his psychosis was that he believes I am the devil/snake from the garden of Eden who has come to walk on the earth as a human, and that my brother is the reincarnation of Jesus. He also believed that our cat was the 'lamb of God'. I kid you not. He blamed his hallucinations on me implanting things in his head, and at one point shortly before I moved out he drew a huge cross on my bedroom door. It's fair to say that as part of his mental health condition he was obsessed with me. I hope above all things that he doesn't care at all about my life any more. My biggest fear is that he still does.

How would deleting my mum on Facebook make a difference to anything? 😕 That's not how she'd be getting access to photos of my baby - I don't post on Facebook and she will be spending lots of time with him herself with plenty of opportunity to take photos.

You cannot tell her who to be friends with buy you can tell her not to add photos of your child. That is your decision for sure.

Kinda similar issue here. My mums the type of person who’s fb friends with anyone. Shen she first got fb it was almost like I want the most friends. She adds people she barely knows. She had 2000 friends. I had to put a stop to her adding photos on her Facebook of my children. Who knows who’s seeing them.

Aw, I see now.
In that case he probably will be bothered about knowing.
Talk to your mum, tell her how you feel and definitely no pictures on social media.
But does this mean you can't post any yourself in case one of his relatives see it on your mums thread.
I don't know how fb works

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun thank you, that's really helpful. I didn't know you could do that!