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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

doggy issues

16 replies

StBernards39 · 11/08/2020 10:34

A couple are married. Let's call them gender-ambiguous names like Lesley and Vic. They have a son who's a late walker, just cruising at 16 months & can bum shuffle well.

Lesley's remaining elderly parent has 2 medium sized dogs which are untrained, have a history of "nipping" people's ankles, and cannot be restrained by said elderly parent (e.g. during walks, cannot control them pulling along, cannot be trusted to walk on the pavement or stop at road crossings, have to be walked without a lead by letting them run free in a public park). When Lesley and Vic were dating, when entering the house, Vic used to hide behind Lesley because the dogs are so boisterous and full-on at entering that they were being pushed over/unable to control being shoved whilst walking up stairs/etc. and frequently had ripped clothing (etc) where dogs had jumped up and couldn't be restrained (claws caught).

Lesley is now a SAHP. Vic works fulltime during the week (M-F) in a full-on stressful but well paid role.

Vic has asked Lesley to not take toddler to their parents (unless an emergency/something unusual) during the work week so that Lesley is never in the position of having to leave toddler unattended e.g. to go to the toilet, whilst the dogs are in the home. Visits to elderly parent are infrequent (every 2 or 3 months). Vic says that weekend visits are better so that both parents can go together, any time. Vic says that the concerns are around toddler being on the floor, and the dogs either being too boisterous or startling (near a main road) and deciding to bite... as well as just generally, say, putting crap in the mouth whilst on the (usually dirty, hairy) floor there.

Lesley feels that as an able, independant adult they should be able to take their toddler wherever they want, and feels like Vic is being overly controlling; they would "be careful and ensure toddler is safe". Typically, Vic has a history of being more risk adverse than Lesley, and does try to control situations beyond the norm. Lesley is generally extremely responsible but does not respond well in an emergency, and downplays risk a lot (e.g. leaving toddler in a locked car with all windows closed "for a couple of mins" in car park whilst nipping into a shop).

Vic feels like the risk/reward ratio of limiting visits to elderly parent makes the route forward easy - just stick to weekends. But Lesley feels like their freedom and ability to parent is stifled.

YABU - Vic should calm down, trust Lesley to keep toddler safe.
YANBU - Lesley needs to act on Vic's concerns, why take the risk if non-emergency visits can be limited to weekends so both can be there?

OP posts:
iVampire · 11/08/2020 10:38

Even if your PILs dogs were beautifully behaved, no toddler should be left unsupervised near a dog.

Spouse 1 does not trust Spouse 2 to do this, so I would say no visits without Spouse 1 being there

StBernards39 · 11/08/2020 10:40

To clarify on that score, Lesley has explicitly said that they would never allow toddler to be left alone in a room with any/both dogs. Vic is concerned about incidents like doorbell going, or Lesley going to loo and elderly parent being the one to keep toddler safe (elderly parent does not believe dog behaviour is a problem).

OP posts:
sunflowersandtulips50 · 11/08/2020 10:42

Sorry but I agree with Vic and wouldnt want my DC put at risk especially given lesleys down playing risk attitude

Griselda1 · 11/08/2020 10:47

Toddlers can be taken to the toilet with their mother so I don't see why he should be left on the floor at the mercy of the dogs. Elderly parents won't be around for ever and short visits with their grandchild are surely achievable. I'd be really concerned at the lack of trust from my partner.

BertieBassettsBits · 11/08/2020 10:48

100% agree with Vic. Not worth taking a chance. Why haven't they trained their dogs, that's totally irresponsible of them

BurMaMa2 · 11/08/2020 10:48

I entirely agree with Vampire on this. Child safety at whatever age is paramount. Especially at such young ages.

JustCallMeGriffin · 11/08/2020 10:51

Lesley sounds like the kind of person who won't accept that they're judging risk badly until it all goes badly wrong (like people who drink drive or tombstone...how many times do they get away with it before they don't).

Vic is rightly concerned that Lesley is blind to/doesn't care about the risk to their child and what their asking isn't unreasonable.

A compromise would be that the dogs are crated when Lesley visits so the risk factor from their untrained behaviour is nil. I suspect neither Lesley nor their parents would agree to do this or agree and completely ignore it

VimFuego101 · 11/08/2020 10:51

VINBU (Vic is not being unreasonable). This sounds like a horrible accident waiting to happen.

JustCallMeGriffin · 11/08/2020 10:52

Agh made a rooky spelling error...please ignore that one why can't we edit?!

StBernards39 · 11/08/2020 10:58
  • no crate/pen for the dogs at the home, they wander freely.
  • grandparent is an hour's drive away so quicker/more frequent visits not really an option logistically
OP posts:
Knowhowufeel2 · 11/08/2020 10:58

@JustCallMeGriffin, what does 'tombstone' mean in this context?

JustCallMeGriffin · 11/08/2020 11:06

@Knowhowufeel2 the people that jump from cliffs/piers/waterfalls into 'deep' water. They've done it before and not been hurt so can't see the harm in doing it again...it's an obvious flag that someone is piss poor at risk assessments.

That's the context, people who take unnecessary/unquantifiable risks that others find unacceptable but genuinely cannot see the harm in them...like letting a small child & untrained dogs be potentially left alone/with an owner who doesn't see the danger.

StBernards39 · 11/08/2020 13:04

Interesting, 64% of voters are with Vic. 36% are with Lesley.

For the record, I'm Vic.

OP posts:
StBernards39 · 11/08/2020 13:08

This sounds like a horrible accident waiting to happen.

Exactly. And there have been similar accidents-that-were-so-fucking-obviously-going-to-happen that have happened which are tainting my view on this, and I didn't speak up, so as to not cause an argument/dent egos.

But on this one, I choose to have that argument because I want my child's safety to come before anyone's hurt feelings this time. Angry

OP posts:
northprincess · 11/08/2020 13:20

I have said exactly the same in a very similar situation and been accused of being controlling. It's too important to back down. I won't budge on this.

saywhatwhatnow · 11/08/2020 13:22

Disappointingly not what I expected this thread to be about! Grin

I agree with Vic on this one. He's not saying they can't see the grandparent at all, but just to visit together so they can reduce the chances of anything bad happening.

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