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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ruined his football??

24 replies

Pumpertrumper · 10/08/2020 21:41

All day alone with a grumpy, hot, nap refusing 5 month old.
I do over 75% of cooking, cleaning and childcare, plus ALL night wakes as on mat leave. Plus, DH gets MUCH more downtime than me.

DH gets off early (yay I was buzzing at the thought of a second pair of hands. Dreaming of eating hot food with both hands...)

DH walks in and announces there’s a football game in 2 hours time he intends to watch alone, in his study, whilst doing some ‘work’ (he never actually works though. He also usually warns me a few days in advance of a game he wants to watch).

I bathed DS and fed him alone but he again refused to go down. After a full day of battling to get him to sleep, raw nipples and tears I demanded DH come and help me! I was actually really annoyed DH would just sit in his study watching football whilst I struggled.

It has taken DH over an hour to get him to sleep. DH is obviously very unhappy about it all.

AIBU?

(DH was working nights all last week so I didn’t see him and have been so tired/lonely I fear I’m losing perspective)

OP posts:
user1471517900 · 10/08/2020 21:45

The football has been pretty rubbish tonight OP. He hasn't missed much.

AriettyHomily · 10/08/2020 21:45

YANBU at all. Has he helped now?

AriettyHomily · 10/08/2020 21:46

I sorry I see he has. Good, maybe he'll appreciate how hard it is!

LolaSmiles · 10/08/2020 21:51

YANBU

Plus you aren't asking him to 'help'. He doesn't need to 'help'. He is an adult and a father who should be parenting his children and pulling his weight in the relationship by not leaving the mother of his child to be carrying the load.

He should be stepping in and supporting bedtime for HIS child and working as a team with HIS wife, not ignoring family life exists until his wife finally runs out of steam and makes a point of asking him.
Sorry for the rant, but some men need to get a grip and step up.

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 10/08/2020 21:52

He has been pretty hands on and very good until the last few weeks, suddenly I’m noticing him constantly trying to get away from us. Or at least that’s how it feels. He puts an hour of quality time in (with DS not me) then it’s ‘I’m just going to...mow the lawn/DIY/get food/watch football’ etc and off he trots not to be seen for another hour.

Hmm I’m not sure why he feels so entitled to dip in and out as he fancies.

I took a 20 min bath and he says that’s ‘me time’ despite the fact he showers, shaves and shits alone and in peace every day and doesn’t think that’s ‘him time’!

OP posts:
KatieKat88 · 10/08/2020 21:54

YANBU, DS is both of your child and I don't see why you should have a 24 hour unpaid job when DH gets paid and works a normal job (albeit some night shifts). My DH and I have a 9 month old and we're in it together. It's not always equal but we do our best to be fair and supportive to each other. Otherwise what's the point of marriage/a partnership with someone you're supposed to love - surely you'd want to make their life easier?! That goes both ways. DH is currently watching the same game but if our DD woke up he'd go now as I'll go in the night, same as he'll take the early wake ups so I can get a bit more sleep when I've been disturbed by DD god knows how many times!

ScrapThatThen · 10/08/2020 22:03

Would he sit down with you and work out what is fair and practical for you both? Set out some ground rules and quid pro quos? Like, you both have two free passes per week to escape, with advance notice to the other only, with a time limit. Or that you are not the default parent when you are both home.
I think the problem is often that young children and work put so much pressure on both adults that we become furious with each other all the time instead of seeing how hard we are finding it. However, it is well proven that it is overwhelmingly women who perform most child and household tasks. You sum it up beautifully with the bath issue. Night working is also a killer

dudsville · 10/08/2020 22:06

You're seeing things clearly op, not unreasonable at all. When he says he's nipping out to mow the lawn point him in the direction of the sling on you're way out of the room.

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 10/08/2020 22:13

@KatieKat88
@ScrapThatThen

I think DS being EBF and clingy with me doesn’t help. It just gives that easy out of her wants you’

We have sat down and discussed what’s ‘fair’ and if I do say ‘can I go for an hour of alone time’ DH will say yes BUT it never lasts very long. DS always kicks off and is brought to me because he’s ‘hungry’ or ‘not settling’.

So I’ve stopped bothering with actual ‘me time’.

Sometimes I just want DH to be the one on call, be the one holding/changing/playing with DS whilst I sit on the sofa and lounge a bit but it’s like we are at different parenting stages as DH just can’t be self sufficient. He’s constantly asking me to pass him/get him stuff or run up stairs for things. Needs me to take DS whilst he uses the loo or cleans up sick/ changes his clothes.

Hmm I’m not sure how he thinks I manage alone whilst he’s at work. It’s like when I’m with DS most things are a one person job, when DH is with DS everything becomes a two person job

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 10/08/2020 22:16

@dudsville

Ha!!! I did this!!

Even took a pic of him with DS angry and strapped to his chest. I won’t do it again though as DS was very sneezy and snotty afterwards and I wondered if he’s inherited DH’s allergies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 10/08/2020 22:20

The thing that upsets me most is I’m sat here in the dark in bed, listening to DS fidget and haven’t had any quality time, cuddle or decent conversation with DH in about 2 weeks but he’s in his study watching football.

He’ll come in when it’s over, get straight into bed and be SOOOOO tired he can’t possibly have a conversation. FFS I’m just lonely.

OP posts:
KatieKat88 · 11/08/2020 08:11

I think it can be quite a lonely time - you find that most of your conversations are about DC or the TV! I'd say pass over DS to DH just after you've fed him and then at least you should have an hour or two at 5 months old before he needs feeding again. Tell DH he needs to do whatever it takes to keep DS happy without getting you. In a couple of months you'll reach separation anxiety time and it'll be harder if DS isn't used to being with Daddy too. My DD has cried when either of us leave the room (even when the other one is still there!) which I think is a positive?! Basically the more time your DH spends with DS the more confident he'll be. I'm BF too but used to give a bottle a day which DH would do which was great but not everyone's choice. It was only once a day though so mostly on me and I know how tough it can be. But DH wasn't constantly passing her back to me because sometimes when they're grizzly it's not always about feeding. Get him to try something else first.

sleepyhead · 11/08/2020 08:55

I always found watching football was a good dc & dh "bonding time" (obv dc doesnt care whats on the telly so it could be anything).

Dh takes dc away for cuddles and snooze for 2 hours, you get 2 hours to yourself.

I get that if you've got a routine you dont want to disrupt then that doesnt work at night though.

dontdisturbmenow · 11/08/2020 09:00

You are not unreasonable for maybe wanting him to do more or occasions when Things are harder for you, but the mature thing to do would have been to discuss it with him at a calm time having an adult conversation about it.

Waiting for something that he really looked forward to to do it is quite spiteful. Inevitably, instead of triggering acknowledgement on his part that he needs to help more at times, it will instead trigger resentment and wanting to help even less.

The worse thing a couple can do is get to the stage of counting downtime like kids count how long each get on a device.

Talk like adults, tell eachother what you wish the other did more of, agree to review division of tasks, don't punish eachother by taking away treats!

Original poster
Pumpertrumper · 11/08/2020 09:48

Waiting for something that he really looked forward to to do it is quite spiteful

I didn’t wait for it. I had no idea it was on. I was struggling and DH walked through the door and announced he was going to watch the football. No prior warning.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 11/08/2020 09:52

Waiting for something that he really looked forward to to do it is quite spiteful.
Inevitably, instead of triggering acknowledgement on his part that he needs to help more at times, it will instead trigger resentment and wanting to help even less.
Oh no. The poor man. He chose to have a child and might have had his man time inconvenienced by the existence of his own child.

Now he'll be even more reluctant to be a man because mean wifey interrupted his football.

Give me strength.

steff13 · 11/08/2020 10:03

Waiting for something that he really looked forward to to do it is quite spiteful.

It doesn't sound like he gave her much notice. And to be fair, when you're exhausted and at the end of your rope, you aren't always capable of an adult conversation. She needed help then. The conversation can come later.

Can't he DVR the game and watch it later?

KarmaStar · 11/08/2020 10:26

Can't believe anyone voted yabu!he was being a selfish fool who should have come home,taken baby and sent you for a cool shower and some rest.sod the football.If it's that important he can record it.Yanbu and it's ridiculous to suggest otherwise.
Hope your baby settled more today Flowers

randomchap · 11/08/2020 10:35

Could you have your me time out of the house? Meet a mate for a coffee or something? Then he would have to deal with the baby if he's not settling.

rainbowstardrops · 11/08/2020 10:42

If he wants to bugger off and watch the football then he can take the baby with him!
Jeez, men like this boil my blood!

Minai · 11/08/2020 10:52

Yanbu at all. He doesn’t get to come home and just check out of being a parent because he feels like watching football. Being at home all day with a small baby can be stressful and isolating, it’s not on to leave it all to you when you’ve been looking after the baby all day. My children at 1 and 3 now and I’m a stay at home mum. If my husband has an evening work event on or is going out with friends he lets me know well in advance so I know I’m going to be looking after the children single handed that evening, same goes if I want to go out. Some days you are counting down the minutes until they’re home so you can have a break and it’s not fair on you to suddenly dump all the parenting on at the last minute.

Weenurse · 11/08/2020 10:54

Also agree he takes baby with him.
Sit down, sort out who gets to sleep in when. Who gets alone time when and when is family time.
I agree with PP that you each get so worked up with how tired you both are and life changes that you forget the other is just as tired.
Divide up chores remembering that baby care is more than a full time job.
Take the opportunity to leave baby with DH so he can build up his confidence. Go for a walk so you are not easily accessible to defer to.

MiniCooperLover · 11/08/2020 12:06

Also I note he managed to get home early when there was a reason, ie something he wanted to do!

LolaSmiles · 11/08/2020 12:08

Jeez, men like this boil my blood!
Same. As do women who enable the behaviour and tell other women they're unreasonable for expecting their adult partner to equally parent/do housework.

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