To be annoyed about this dynamic??

[ConfusedDotCom123]

Is it weird that I’m annoyed that my relatives and family members put more effort with my DH than they do with me?

For example:

My brother would readily pick up the phone and have a long chat with DH but hardly ever answers my calls and is always busy.

My mother would go out of her way to make conversations and if me and DH wanted someone to look after DC we both know she is more likely to respond if it was his request not mine.

If a relative gifts is something they make sure he is there to see it and the fuss and focus is on him.

It didn’t bother me initially as I thought they’re just “building relations” with him when we first got together and we were a tight knit family.

But we’ve been together 6 years now and the dynamic got worse as time went by to the point it got unbearable.

If we give a gift from both of us (at times even if it’s just from me with my own money), the gratitude usually goes to him and I just get a passing quiet thank you while he gets a long half an hour with drum rolls.

If relatives want to arrange a holiday with our family they call him up and arrange things, or invite him.

Truth is, I don’t want to have the attention he is getting but it just bothers me.

Do I need to get over myself or do I need to express to him why I find this stRange ?

For context,
I’ve thought why I suspect this imbalance started. DH comes from an affluent background, and I come from a troubled background, but I made something out of my life way before I met DH.. me and him have the exact same prospects and everything but I just took a career break for my kids.

I’d like to think it’s a resolvable misunderstanding or that I’m over sensitive. But I don’t know how to express how I feel without sounding so petty.

I saw a similar poster on something like that few days ago, so it got me thinkng whether that’s the issue with my family as well?

For some reason, it makes me feel terribly isolated and suffocated. Especially that I don’t get on with my in laws at all... and some of those relatives are also trying to forge great relations with my in laws who I’ve tried to go LC with.

Am I unreasonable to feel this is weird ?
And would I be unreasonable to say or do anything about it ?

Also,

I already had sensitive feelings with regards to some of my family members as I felt they didn’t put as much effort with me as I put with them.

But having them suddenly focus so much energy on my DH has just highlighted to me how worthless I am to them even more.

So I wanted to go LC but DH is sort of confused about why I’m involving him when apparently he “has done nothing but be a friendly guy to fit in”

YANBU

I think as you come from a troubled background and this is a further area of issues for you, I think you should pull back from them quietly.

Be a lot less available and live your life as best you can.

Don't be used by your family and don't put up with being treated poorly by them.

They are your family, your decision.

Rather than you presuming they think you are worthless, could a reasonable alternative explanation be based on your DP coming from a more affluent background so your side of the family feel 'inferior' and make more effort as they worry he will think they are beneath him or 'cheap' and don't want to live up to any prejudices (I'm not saying your DP feels this way, just that this could be their way of thinking?). This would be the opposite of an aristocratic family not giving a fig about 'their lessers'.

IME, many people try harder with their social 'superiors' and the wealthy (not that I think this way, nor that it is right).

Only you can tell and I hate pop psychology but you mentioned 'worthless' which feels a stretch even if you think they 'prefer' your DP - could your interpretation of this arise from subconscious feelings of worthlessness? In effect, could your interpretation of the behaviour be faulty?

Hope you feel better.

your side of the family feel 'inferior'

There is a huge element of that.
And it is because MIL was extremely condescending about my family and they know about that.

I told my parents about it but I’m shocked that their reaction is to suck up to DH...

OP - I suppose you can't control their behaviour but even if you find it shocking (I don't as I've seen it several times, usually when first child of family to go to university brings back a DP), try not to then translate that into feelings that they think you are worthless and then go LC. Try to break that link between their surprising behaviour to your DP and it impacting on your self-worth. If you can, be grateful they are (over) pleasant to your DP rather than hostile (which I've also seen for DPs who differ from the family norm).

Good luck.

We jokingly call my BIL (sisters husband) my mums favorite child. It actually really bothers my sister, but doesn't bother me at all. Like you I think she feels overlooked and less liked.

I just put it down to him being a better fit with my DMs personality - he's chatty, my DH is quiet and also her old fashioned sexist views

More examples...

If I invite them over, and spend the entire day cleaning and cooking..

And then he does one small thing my mum would rave about how helpful he is as a husband.

My wider family give him credit for everything that comes out of our lives.. they go out of their way to pinpoint behaviours and features that my DC do that resembles their father but absolutely ignore me..

When I gave birth my siblings and mum obviously supported me but my wider relatives were more fussed about congratulating him and what an amazing dad he will be... and I was just an attachment.

In fact they asked him “how does it feel like to be a father” and how are you coping with lack of sleep and I didn’t even get that question or asked about how I’m coping when I’m the one who came out of the hospital bed.

I’m generally not a jealous person and I hate to come across this way but I do feel a bit disrespected.

Perhaps they think DH is the representative of the family because he is the more important one. It’s not due to his gender but mostly due to our backgrounds.

Sounds like they think you have 'married-up' and are a bit in awe of him

That would piss me off as well

What can I expect from my DH in this situation.

I’ve told him I need him to support my decision in maintaining a low profile around my relatives and family.. because I find their behaviour disrespectful.

He agreed with me. But I think he does enjoy the attention and so, when they call him up trying to “consult” him on big decisions that are nothing to do with him, or trying to make arrangements that are more to do with me than him... He just finds an excuse to undermine our agreement and we default into the argument of “but they’re my friends now” and me responding with “no, they’re your in laws and my relatives and so I need your backing”.

OP, I won't post again as you'll want other posters' views but to me, the part that is in your control is translating seeing their behaviour to your DP into 'feeling disrespected' and then deciding to maintain a low profile. I don't think you need to view it that way and, by doing so, you are in effect deciding to harm yourself. I realise not everyone could let this wash over them. Regarding your DP, you may risk further unreasonableness by deciding you 'own' the relationship with your relatives and ordering or controlling him to go low contact. Did your DP tell you what to do and how to feel when your MIL was condescending about your family or any of the times you might not have been happy with what she said?

Good luck and I hope you find a happy balance.

Or in the future, will your DP 'own' the relationship with his 'side' and dictate how you should feel and act with them - if you feel 'disrespected' by them and he tells you that you haven't so must not feel bad?

I'm not trying to be confrontational, just trying to give you a potentially different perspective?

Good luck.

Zilla1 I’m very interested in your posts as you do sound like you have an insight from experience whixh is exactly what I want. Pls don’t refrain from posting.

I’m just waiting for the evening when kids are asleep to contemplate on those points and will reply as much as possible.

Don't feel the need to reply, OP. It sounds like you're thinking about things and only you can genuinely understand your circumstances. I only wanted to offer a different perspective in case your 'happiest position' wasn't going low contact, rather just accepting your families 'unbalanced' treatment of your DP.

I know not everyone is the same and some people can't let things wash over them.

I don't think people should accept being treated badly but it sounded at first glance that it wasn't your family being disrespectful to you, rather just being uncomfortable around your DP and not treating him the same as they would if he were from the same social/economic background.

Hope you find a happy balance.

@ConfusedDotCom123

Is it weird that I’m annoyed that my relatives and family members put more effort with my DH than they do with me?

For example:

My brother would readily pick up the phone and have a long chat with DH but hardly ever answers my calls and is always busy.

My mother would go out of her way to make conversations and if me and DH wanted someone to look after DC we both know she is more likely to respond if it was his request not mine.

If a relative gifts is something they make sure he is there to see it and the fuss and focus is on him.

It didn’t bother me initially as I thought they’re just “building relations” with him when we first got together and we were a tight knit family.

But we’ve been together 6 years now and the dynamic got worse as time went by to the point it got unbearable.

If we give a gift from both of us (at times even if it’s just from me with my own money), the gratitude usually goes to him and I just get a passing quiet thank you while he gets a long half an hour with drum rolls.

If relatives want to arrange a holiday with our family they call him up and arrange things, or invite him.

Truth is, I don’t want to have the attention he is getting but it just bothers me.

Do I need to get over myself or do I need to express to him why I find this stRange ?

For context,
I’ve thought why I suspect this imbalance started. DH comes from an affluent background, and I come from a troubled background, but I made something out of my life way before I met DH.. me and him have the exact same prospects and everything but I just took a career break for my kids.

I’d like to think it’s a resolvable misunderstanding or that I’m over sensitive. But I don’t know how to express how I feel without sounding so petty.

I saw a similar poster on something like that few days ago, so it got me thinkng whether that’s the issue with my family as well?

For some reason, it makes me feel terribly isolated and suffocated. Especially that I don’t get on with my in laws at all... and some of those relatives are also trying to forge great relations with my in laws who I’ve tried to go LC with.

Am I unreasonable to feel this is weird ?
And would I be unreasonable to say or do anything about it ?

Honestly, some of my family have got like this with my partner. But we're a fractured family so I sort of don't mind, can't advise massively but I think some families just do that with partners, made a big fan fair over them and just by pass you.

So I realised the reason why I hate it is because it feels like my DH is Indirectly dominating all my interactions with What would be my support network.

It’s relevant because we had serious issues lately and I was hoping to rely on my support network as I have little kids, in case we couldn’t work things out.

We are in the process of working things out but things are quite sensitive still...

And so it’s a big deal for me that my support network are making it clear that they prioritise him over me (they know I had issues).

Now that I dug deep in my feelings I know why I’m so annoyed and I don’t feel unreasonable.

But how to address it and who to address it wirh is now my issue ? Any tips ?

Bump