First post but been reading for years. I have 2 boys 11 and 10. I split from their father 7 years ago due to him having a problem with alcohol. He had been a big drinker for as long as I had known him but it got worse. He was embarrassing and sometimes violent and aggressive when drunk. He never hurt me or the children but would destroy furniture, make holes in walls or start fights with people. At home, every evening he'd drink up to 14 cans of lager every night. Eventually passing out on the sofa and peeing himself. Despite all this he was a very likable person when not drunk. Had lots of friends, went to work and worked really hard and was really good with the children.
After we split he said he would get help and went to the GP who sent him to some sort of group meeting. He went once and declared he wasn't going back, he wasn't like them and didn't need to go. He went on self destruct mode, having parties, sleeping around and drinking more. He still saw the children regularly. I met my current partner 2 years later, we've now been together for 5 years. Current partner has a good relationship with my children and had none of his own. In 2018 I became pregnant. Which ultimately ended in the stillbirth of my son. At this time ex had a girlfriend and I was pleased that he seemed to be calming down. He had boys at weekends. I told him I was expecting before I told everyone else as I didn't want him to find out second hand. He took the news well and congratulated us. A week or so later I had a call from his GF to say that she had left him recently, had gone to collect some clothes and found him passed out on the sofa in the afternoon surrounded by vodka bottles. My children were upstairs in their bedroom. I went to collect them, he stayed sleeping the whole time I got them ready.
After this everything went downhill, I stopped him seeing the children, my eldest started having problems at school resulting in him having some play therapy session. I heard through other people that ex was drinking more, had nowhere to stay, was sleeping on friends sofa etc. He made 2 suicide attempts. His father disowned him. Eventually he went into rehab several times. The most recent appeared to be really helping. He moved about an hour away to be in a residential home and attended lots of AA meetings. I eventually started letting him see children, supervised by my mother. He would proudly present boys with his AA coins marking months of being sober.
He arranged a special trip out for boys and they spent weeks excited for this trip. He phoned weekly and talked about the trip. On the day of the trip he didn't turn up. The boys were devastated. He didn't answer the phone to me or reply to texts. My youngest called him from his watch phone and ex answered, when he realised it was youngest he hung up. I later saw on FB that he was tagged in a photo at a local music festival. He'd relapsed and had been drinking.
A few weeks later, he'd told me that it was a one off relapse. He had wanted to be like a normal person and enjoy a beer at the weekend. He told me about the support his sponsor was giving him and I believed him so let him visit with children again. The boys were always happy to go and be with him and looked forward to it.
Fast forward to recently, I have had a baby, I didn't tell him or anyone in advance that I was pregnant this time due to high risk nature and covid situation making it easy to conceal. He had been working as a volunteer helping others with alcohol problems. He had started sending me maintenance money and I finally started to think that he was changed. He still saw boys regularly and they still loved going. He arranged a camping trip for last week. The day before I text him to ask what time he would collect them. He didn't reply. I called twice, no reply. By this time I'd started to worry that he had relapsed. The following morning he text to say that he was working and wasn't allowed his phone but wouldn't ignore me. Things didn't add up, I questioned him more and said I was afraid he was drinking. He assured me he'd been working and was currently at the hospital as a client had taken an overdose. He would be fired if anyone found out that he had told me. I said I didn't trust him and that is need to visit him before I allowed him to collect children. I would only need to look at him to know if he had been drinking.
I got to the place where he was staying. He told me it was his sponsors house. It was clear to me that he had indeed been drinking and everything about him working had been a lie. I got up and walked out. He asked me to talk and I said no and told him that's the last he sees of the children.
The rest of the week he has been silent. This morning he sent me a message to say he had sent some money and there would be a delivery of sweets for the boys. I just don't know what to do. I will he would disappear into thin air but that isn't going to happen. Throughout all this I have been completely honest with the children. I just know that in a few weeks he is going to say that he is improved and wants to see them again. I feel terrible that they are having to put up with this and wish so much that they had a 'normal dad'. AIBU to tell him that he can't have contact with them any more?