Hi there,
I am writing this thread prepared to be flamed, but this is preying on my mind and I really need some external advice from people who won't sugar their views!!
Right, so I am currently pregnant with second child - 6 months gone. The post birth period is starting to prey on my mind. Specifically, managing the GPs
Last time around, my parents were keen to come to us, asked me when would be helpful for them to come to help and I said when my DH went back to work at 3 weeks. They didn't like this at all (because they wanted to be involved much sooner) and kept asking me, hoping that I would change my view. Then, when baby arrived, they said would it be ok to make a quick trip to see the baby before coming back to help later, to which I said no probs, totally fine. Then they stayed with my in laws, hung around for nearly a week (week 1-2), got their fill of baby cuddles and never came back for the bit that would have been helpful (I had a section, so would have been nice to have someone to help with any lifting around for week 3-4). They also took the baby out at one point in the sling without asking me whilst I was in the shower - basically ambushed my DH who wasn't sure what to say and took her without saying how long they were going for or where. I found the whole time a bit stressful - at the time we were in quite a small rented place, so every until after dinner for a week we had my parents (and sometimes my PIL because my PiL didn't want to be left out) and then they turned up again at breakfast time. I know they meant well but I was in tears by the end of the week - it was just too much having at least four adults weighing in on the baby stuff and being in my space all the time.
I really don't want them to come during my DH's paternity leave this time. We have a bigger space, so I am worried they will expect to stay. Even to help with my toddler because, whilst they are good GPs, they only want to do the fun stuff and aren't really supportive about trying to make healthy meals or routine etc (which is fine in small bursts, but in long stretches I just find I am the bad guy all the time), so I just want to have an unstressful few weeks. Also, my DH is a properly involved parent, I don't actually feel I need anyone else because he really is more than capable of cooking and either looking after a toddler or helping out with the baby. And I would quite like my DD to keep going to pre school if possible, which I don't think she will be so keen on if she has my parents around offering her continuous treats etc.
I am also having a section this time and given the pandemic I don't think they are likely to be able to stay anyway within the rules and it would probably be a good idea to have a few weeks at the start where we are all cautious about letting someone out household hold the baby (and my parents and Pil don't really observe the restrictions that much).
I know that I will be asked about all of this because my parents live a way away and we are going to go on holiday and stay near them for a week so that they can see their GD (I am not truly horrible, promise!!)
Is it awful for me to just say to both sets of grandparents that during my DH's paternity leave they can come and see the baby for a morning/afternoon etc at the weekends early on (but possibly not hold her initially depending on advice given at the time) but then maybe give us a bit of space in the week and visit later if they are allowed to? Obviously, if things go wrong I would have to revise my position, but assuming things are straightforward, is this controlling and weird?
Btw, my plan for the birth is that we hopefully won't need childcare, as my DD will be at pre school until 3pm, so my DH could be with us for the birth and collect her on section day and look after her and come back to the hospital to collect me the next day (the hospital was really very good last time about helping me with baby care in the night I had overnight - I had a HCA coming in every 3 hours to give me paracetamol and ibuprofen in alternation and they just gave me baby for feeding and helped me then). But if it all overruns, then my DS or Mil live close and could help out easily.
Sorry, very long - just don't want to be accused of drip feeding!!