To think friend is making excuses not to meet?

[beetroottt]

Been friends since school.
Haven't seen her since December even tho we only live 15 mins away from each other.
Ever since she got with her BF and had kids she doesn't seem to care about her friendship.
I have kids and husband but still make time for friends.
Anyway after trying to get something in the calendar.
We planed to meet tomorrow lunch time for food.
She said her sister would babysit her kids.
Got a text last night
"Sorry can't make it,sister has toothache and only apt she could get is Tuesday at 1 (same time as our meal)
I said no problem.
No reply
Aibu to think that's a bit convenient?

Hi op,sounds like maybe the friendship has run its course.she could have rang to tell you and make another date but she didn't because she is avoiding speaking to you.
I would not contact her again and move on.

My first thought would actually be concern for her tbh. You say this started when she met her BF?

Yeah it seems very convenient. Call her bluff- say her and her child can come around to yours instead. If she still wants to meet, they'll come. If not, you know she is a flake.

I know a few people like this, although none of them have children and the excuses they use are ridiculous 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't understand why people make plans they have no intention of attending.

Have you tried doing something with the kids? Then she can't use that as an excuse.

I used to have a friend that would often cancel last minute. There can be genuine reasons but usually the person cancelling would offer to rearrange for another time e.g. can you do X date instead? My old friend would never do this so in the end I stopped trying to arrange things and the friendship fizzled out.

I would just leave it now and see if she comes to you to arrange something else. No point making an effort if it's only one way.

Sounds like shes fading you out unfortunately.

Dont make anymore plans with her, see if she makes an effort with you.

I suggested we go out with the kids to the sea life centre tomorrow or even for lunch with the kids.
I said actually just let me know what you fancy doing.

Her boyfriend is so controlling.
She changed so much when she met him.
I don't like him at all.

Has she responded?

No nothing yet.
I think she will find a excuse tho.

This REGULARLY happens with a friend of mine as well.

There were 3 of us who were friends at school (but mostly when we were around 16-19), and then for various reasons we drifted apart.

But we reconnected about 4 years ago now. One of them lives about 15 mins from me, and the other lives about 30 mins away. The one who lives closest, I've seen multiple times a month, but the other is INTENSELY hard to pin down to anything.
We met up for a cream tea afternoon in late November, pinned her down to a zoom catch-up in April, and that was it. Multiple times we've invited her to "coffee in the back garden", but she's always busy or working. Then she said she didn't want to go out because her husband has asthma. From her socials, it strongly appears the family haven't left the house since this all kicked off. They have 2 primary school aged daughters, but nothing to suggest they've met up with friends, or been anywhere either.

It's always been a bit frustrating that she's SO hard to pin down to anything. But now we are actively concerned about her... But short of driving round her house and physically pulling her out... we can't do anything.

We long-ago accepted that, of the 3 of us, while she's lovely and we adore her, she's always going to be the "flaky" one who can't commit. It's not our fault, or our problem. We'll keep inviting her to things, because we love to see her, but we're not not going to "pander to the flaky". This is the date and time something is happening. If she can come, great! If not, we'll have a nice time anyway, just as a twosome.

OP: If childcare is a sticking point, could you stick to "kids welcome" meet-ups for now? A picnic in the garden? A play at a local park?

@zingally yeah deffo ..tbh I enjoy the kids meet ups.
I've told her so many times that we could do the park or zoo etc but she never texts back or sets up a actual time.

@beetroottt

Her boyfriend is so controlling. She changed so much when she met him. I don't like him at all.

And you know this yet you still posted without concern for her?

It was the first thing I thought about. She needs help, not bitchy threads on Mumsnet. This is the pasty of being a friend where it's not about you and the fact she lest you down but about her and how you can help get the old her back.

@blacktop I've posted about her before on here (under different username ) and got lots of good advice.
Unfortunately she didn't think he was controlling and it was a no go conversation

Fair enough, but why have you now made a thread about her making excuses? You clearly know why. You made her sound like an awful friend in your OP, but it was quite obvious, to me anyway, that this isn't her fault. If she won't let you help her then just let her know you are there for her if and when she needs you. I wouldn't be fussed about a cancelled arrangement when you know she is in an abusive relationship.

Her controlling boyfriend isn't the reason she's cancelled.
He is at work anyway.

She hasn't replied to my text sent over 2 hours ago but she's online.
Couldn't be more obvious now really.

Her boyfriend can certainly still control her from work.

Only you can guess at whether she’s cooled off/ doesn’t enjoy the same things as you/ doesn’t like your DC etc etc. Some friendships don’t last.

I’d leave it for now and possibly text in a few days saying you’d be sad to lose touch and will leave it up to her to suggest a new date.

She’s not interested. Time to move on OP.

@beetroottt

Her controlling boyfriend isn't the reason she's cancelled. He is at work anyway.

Ah, you really don't have a clue, do you?

She can't meet up apparently because there's no where with kids entertainment.
She won't do lunch cos her 8 year old needs entertainment apparently

I'd just reply 👍 and then not bother again