Child Residency

[QueenBee42]

AIBU, Refusing to change the childcare arrangement my ex stipulated when I told him I was divorcing him last year?

Up until July 2019 I was a SAHM, with a part time job that could fit around school times. Finally I got the courage to leave my husband who has been gaslighting me for years. My husband who has done very little of the day to day childcare/housework etc says to me as of September he would be doing the school run 2 days a week and would expect to have the children every other weekend. I didnt fight this and at the time we were still all living together in the FH. After many months of his continued gaslighting, filming me, argueing in front of the children I decided to move out. We carried on the same childcare arrangement. as before. Then the pandemic came and we decided for the safety of the children he would have them for lockdown. I was working in a care home, high risk of catching covid etc, he could shield, all very convincing on his part that I was doing the best for the children. I then didnt see them for about 10 weeks. Finally got them back in June and we went back to our original arrangement. He now keeps telling me he wants exactly 50/50 custody and wants me to give him the 2 wednesdays I have each month. I message back to say the children are settled and happy with the current arrangement, the arrangement is signed by us both and is with the school, its alot for the girls as they have been used to having their mum full time. In his message back he says you dont have control here and I have had them more time this year than you but wont use this? What does he mean by this? Not sure what to write back or to send to my solicitor to see what she thinks. I have been through so much this last year? He just can't see my side of things or AIBU? Any advice appreciated

I would definitely see your solicitor. Your ex will just try to tie you in knots.

If he gets 50:50 he doesn’t have to pay you maintenance.

Just go through court, it's not worth the emotional stress to try and come to an agreement you're both going to be happy with. He sounds like he's not going to offer any compromises which means he'll pile on the pressure until you back down.

Let the courts decide and he'll have nothing to hold over you in the future

I think you need to get a solicitor ASAP and go through the court.

While I agree with pp about going through courts, is there any reason why he shouldn't have them 50:50? They are his kids too?

I think he should have 50:50 - I think this should actually be standard unless there's mitigating factors involved.

Oh, and with regards to his comment - he's going to go the court route if you don't agree to 50:50. That's how I take that.

Send him details of Dr /dentist /after school clubs/.. Ask specifically which responsibilities will he be committing to in his 50 /50.

How old are the children?

The Children were 4,8,11 now 1 year older

Personally I’m not a fan of 50:50 when there is an acrimonious relationship.
Having said that, I think the fact that he’s had them for 10 weeks continuously puts you on the back foot if he takes it to court.

I understand, they are but he has also been using them as a way of punishing me for leaving him. He made sure I didn't see our youngest on her 5th birthday as it was his day. I had to drop her at school on the Thursday and didn't see her until the Monday, she seemed so confused and sad. He has started a fledgling business, which he does from home, is he actually going to be looking after them? or just let them do their own thing. Youngest says she misses me, doesn't get a bed time story just told to go to bed. He doesnt check on them at all, the two young ones muck about and often dont go to sleep until 11pm, he just lets them get on with it.

I understand but would the judge not think I did the right thing in exceptional circumstances?. No one at the care home knew the risks we were taking, alot of carers have died from Covid. My eldest and youngest both have asthma.

50/50 is so hard on a child, I don't understand any parents that would push this

They dont do after school clubs anymore on his instigation I think but dont know. I used to do private swimming lessons but had to stop because I couldnt afford it. Our youngest wants to go to Rainbows with her friends but its on a Wednesday which is the day he wants. I do the dentist as they are registered at my dentist and doctors only when needed which ever house they are in at the time

My exh tried to keep our dc away from me. The judge and my barrister made sure I got plenty of quality time.. Not 50 /50 due to distance I moved and schools. Do not back down in what you believe is best for the dc.

I think so to, the eldest is definately being pushed by him to chose. He has even told her he will get her a dog for her birthday. I have been told by the school that the youngest has been sad on a number of days as she isnt sure if Mummy is coming to get her.